People often told her how lucky she was to be where she is right now. Having 2 amazing supportive parents, a wayward yet supportive brother, and having her education being given to her in open hands figuratively. Lucky she was born and raised in a family wealthy enough, lucky that she was so cherished.
But she never felt lucky.
Never.
Because her family was far from perfect. On the insides, it was broken like cerulean pieces of china, glued together haphazardly to resemble they were okay. They brought on their smiles, their best dishes and best décor when inviting guests over to the house, yet.. because it was expected.
Her schooling went well with countless tutors day and night to make sure her grades were high, because it was expected. Her parents made sure to limit her social life so a minimum so she wouldn't be distracted, because that was expected. Her hair always in a tight ponytail and always wearing old clothes, as no one would see her anyway, it was expected she would never defy her parents or go against them.
The smart, apparently perfect child with the perfect family... they were such ironic bastards. With her dad who would smile when required as his daughter would get another award in academics and turn out number 1 in competitions, yet would never see her existence when the sun went down. The mother who would fuss over her in the mornings yet would not even remember if she was home.. because that was what expected. the daughter would never leave home. She didn't need anything too much.
it was a perfect family really if you looked from afar. the walls were bare from photos so that no shadows hung over the house. yet no one realized the shadows behind each of the individuals of the house.
which drove her older brother insane
therefore he disappeared like smoke in the wind. the son that the mother and father adored more than life itself turned against his parents to be who he wanted to be, not what was expected.
they never mentioned him in the family gatherings again.
the daughter came into the view.
but she was never what they wanted to be
she could never be the son they wanted to replace
she was just a daughter.. they wanted, that everyone thought off, but no one ever spoke off twice.
the shadows loomed over her .. the shadow of expectation. the shadow of fear. the shadows of loss.
she didn't want to be a memory of her brother in the eyes of her parents. but what can replace a memory? when it isn't there in flesh and blood anymore? the 2nd child left behind could never ever be the 1st lost child.
she wished a lot. she prayed a lot. and that's when she realized she was alive when she bled. she wanted to feel loved, to be remembered, and to be cared for . she wanted to know what it felt like to be special in her family. the fucked up family.
but no matter how hard she tried to be exceptional, she could never be what was expected. what the world expected. she could never be enough
but she could bleed
she sat in her balcony underneath the blanket of the stars too numb to even feel the cold. she was surprised how little pain she felt when her wrists bathed itself in the dark colors of life itself. she was in awe of the rush of blood, the adrenaline, the fact that she could feel something besides being numb.
but then she didn't feel surprised anymore.
the feelings came back
the darkness of the mind
she went back into the embrace of her shadow
where she was nothing anymore
not special
not second best
just nothing
a shadow no one would speak off
think twice off
a shadow
no one would miss
and she was gone
-3A.M
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