Aggression

I am a very temperamental person. Its no suprise really as i cant keep my emotions inside when I'm pissed about something. I outright burst out and act with physical intentions more than emotional. Maybe it's because my childhood mainly consisted of rough-housing and wrestling with boys and outright punching the other when annoyed.
Whatever it is I realize what a huge disadvantage I am in because I can't control my anger

I want to physically hurt someone
Until I feel like they've hurt enough equal to the anger within me
Maybe it's ruthless and cold and cruel
Whatever it is, I am afraid of myself


Today I had a long shift at work, filled with rush hours and lazy crew members, it was far from enjoyable. Already angry from then, I almost lost it when a customer kept on asking about the same order she had ordered, and kept on asking for more descriptions. There's a limit, and after working 10 hours straight with no sleep, I'm no patient man. I felt myself shaking and i kept clenching unclenching my fists to prevent myself from hitting something..someone. My voice was actually shaking from the strain of keeping it polite yet sharp.
 The only reason I didn't snap was mainly for my crew. And Katherine. Very few are able to outright calm me down and she was one of them. But at that moment, I had to get away. I didn't want to lose control in front of her

So i walked to the back
And when I leaned against the manager table struggling to breathe properly I noticed how badly I was trembling

I was addicted to my anger

It's like a person addicted to smoking. I truly feel alive when the adrenaline rushes through me and I feel powerful

Invincible

It's a poison I can't live without and God that's why I never make friends for long enough

There's something truly wrong with me

And i fear for myself more the fact that I realized today how i direct my anger in the wrong direction


Guess I need yoga


-3A.M

Finding you

i was wondering how to expand my blog to others without advertising for the money does not entice me. So i cut down the advertisements and stopped blogging to focus on myself and those around me

and i thought of you alot

just right now when i was checking the google+ feature to add friends to my circles, i decided to try again. maybe youre alive and i just dont know

so i typed your name in

then one of the results popped up. it was the name your friends endearingly called you

my heart leaped in my chest and i stopped breathing
the picture wasnt clear
but it showed the user was from bangkok
with my heart in my mouth i clicked the profile
first thought- damn it
second thought- what am i doing?
third thought- im not upset

and i wasnt upset
its as if ive finally come to terms that yes youre not there anymore. yes im actually finally moving on

and im not scared anymore

maybe its because of all this positivity around me
its katherine who relentlessly puts up with my emotional outbursts and directs it towards something beautiful
maybe its Ru who molds them into the protective nature i use over her
and the random unexpected friendships i made along the way
i find positivty in words i used to find negative
i smile only when i need to now
and i hold my head high

i understand this now.Before i used to get through life, living everyday like it was a burden i need to get along with, and if anything reminded me of you, i was in Pain. Constant torture in my mind.

Until i learned to let go. Today i smiled alot when i thought of you. im smiling right now while im writing about you even though im not thinking of any memories. Of course there will always be the initial feeling of loss, the feeling of you not being there

but thats okay

because i know 

youre in a better place

and its time i make this one better for me

and this is what ill use to be positive. get better

and for those who aided me in my journey, you know who you are

and i love you all

i love you so fucking much

and special shout out to katherine and ru

with kats cheesy cards and small gifts that always made me go speechless

rus constant support behind me 

both of their words

their warmth

their awkward hugs

you both mean alot

i dont know about forever

but for now

youre my forever in being a better person

-3A.M

Sick as fuck but not going to see the babe for 2 weeks. Wearing my worst with my over large jumper and baggy sweatpants and to make me feel less subconscious she's wearing a jumper and jeans as well

Too bad I ain't sharing my bestie with you
With both of us wearing grey jumpers we walked along the street and saw a small vendor selling necklaces handmade with your name characters
I was instantly entranced
Dragging katherine over I paid him to make the necklaces for us

And i cant be happier

People ask why were friends or how we manage to stay friends 

But this kid writes me cards and shit 

And is so cheesy

That even though she may not say she loves me 

I know for sure 

That I love her enough

I love thou! 

-3A.M

You always need someone Semanti, a partner, a friend, anyone really. Someone you can call up and talk about shit and be completely okay with. It doesn't even matter if you don't hang out everyday or you don't talk everyday but the fact that you know they're there. No matter what. That's what's important. Those people that suffer from depression and loneliness, they're all looking for someone. Even just someone to talk to. And that's why you're different. Right now you have katherine. And you guys are close as hell and everyone can see that. And you're happy. Whenever you talk about anything it always ends up relating back to her because she's the one who's making you live
You laugh more. Talk more. Every since she came into your life. You don't even feel depressed anymore do you?

"No"

That's the difference. And always keep one person in your life because that's how you get rid of depression. Be the same for her. Or him. Smile more. Talk more. Love more. Its worth it.

Trust me



-3A.M

dear diary

Dear diary

Lately I've been feeling more drowsy than usual. Almost like I'm sleep deprived even though I have been sleeping enough. But i cant sleep at nights sometimes.
Yet sometimes I do
I had 12 hours of sleep today yet I can't even move properly still
Also my chest pain is back
It's almost like a muscle strain but it hurts whenever I move or breathe
And i cant tell anyone

It's exactly between the middle of my chest right to the left quadrant of my breast, straight to the heart

It doesn't feel normal and I'm scared
I've been throwing up blood again and this pain intensifies every time


Diary I think I have cancer
But im too scared to go check

I don't want to die of a heart attack or a stroke either
But im so afraid to fall asleep now
And end up never waking up
I can't breathe properly

And im tired of staining my bed and pillow with blood droplets


Help me



Dear diary



-3A.M

GWTI#5

"She hasn't woken up for some time " Caithlin murmured, as he settled down into one of the chairs next to her bed. "Her vitals okay? " he whispered, shivering in the cold air surrounding the room Like a blanket of ice. Lin nodded her head, yawning as she did so, and that's when he realized how tired she looked. Looking at her properly, he picked out the eyebags that were in contrast to her normally tanned face, her pale skin standing out against her dark eyes. Her normally blank face was riddled with frown lines prominent on her forehead as she rubbed her eyes sleepily. "Go home. I'll be here " he murmured, resting a gentle hand on her arm. Caithlin hesitated, and was about to reject when he interrupted her " Jarrod's waiting outside. I bought you food. Reach safely. " Lin opened her mouth to argue but he sighed loudly, pinching the bridge between his nose as he struggled to reign his annoyance in. "When she wakes up, you'll know. I want her to worry less and with you safe at home that will help me convince her you Are okay. Don't fight me please" he muttered, as he looked at her beesichingly. "Okay" Caithlin whispered, resting her palm on Izzy's cheek for a moment before striding out. "Finally " he muttered, and started to smile in victory. His brief annoyance quickly diminished as Izzy's heart rate spiked.

He froze, and almost dismissed it thinking he pretended it when the unnatural sound pierced the air again.
 And again. And it stopped

He frowned, unsure whether to call the attendants when her heart rate spiked more, the graph charting an unnatural peak before quieting. Was she waking up?

 And that's when the deathly quiet room filled up with more sounds of her irregular heartbeat as she went into a spasm. "No" he whispered, frozen in spot as he eyed ambulatory monitor that stuck to her chest as she heaved for breath. The door to the room burst open as nurses streamed behind him, each holding a series of medical instruments, and strapping her down to her bed, restricting movement. Another shoved him away, away from the bed as more streamed in.

And he watched from the sidelines frozen


 He saw the nurse prepare the anesthesia.

He saw the oxygen mask being placed on her.

Everything was being played frightfully slowly, as if someone had switched the speed of life from normal to slow. He stared as the doctor snapped his gloves and readied the electrical cardioversion all the while barking orders to the nurses milling about him. One shock. Her chest arched at the sudden charge. Two shocks. She heaved again. Third shock. She lifted a mere centimetere before allowing her body to fall limply. Then he saw nothing as everything stopped. It was as if God decided it would be the perfect moment to press the pause button in the scene in front of him, and made sure to add sound effects. For every one effectively froze as the shrill sound pierced the air and the beeping faded away. "No" he whispered, shaking as he watched his lifeline fade away. All he was met with was the shrill sound.
The sound of failure
The sound of utter pain
The sound of death


"NO!" he roared, finally unlocking his joints as he lunged towards the bed to reach her.

-3A.M

"We should do this some more" she murmured, deftly handling her chopsticks and picking up the string of rice noodles. "mmmm" i mumbled back, too full of emotion to reply. i was too prideful to say i had ejoyed today, and that it was one of the first time in my life i actually properly shopped with someone. even though it wasnt much. even though shoe shops and hoodies and jumper shopping is what we went for, the fact that she didnt complain at all was what warmed me. It thawed me on the insides, the the ice i normally felt from the coldness of my heart melted. She did that to me.And i tried my best to understand these emotions. I realized i was becoming attatched to her. I was calling her the friend i never called anyone nor trusted anyone with. And as her eyes animatedly retold their own story and moaned about how good the Pho was, i stopped fighting the smile tugging at the corner of my lips and watched her in amusement. She was already planning our wild adventure to Thailand and Vietnam, the place where we both wanted to go badly. What really amused me was the fact that she could never stay still. She made plans of all the countries that she wants to visit, the reasons, and when and how. She barely gave it any thought, for the moment she thinks of anything, she makes up her mind eventually no matter what. She has a stubborn streak , just like me. Which is probably why we clash so much. And as we finished up our late lunch, packed our stuff and strolled into more shops, i let her walk in front of me again. i memorized her. i had this irrational fear of forgetting moments like this ever since i have been forgetting my past. i dont want this to be my past. And as she strode along the road with the wind blowing the leaves around us, i could easily pick her out from the crowd of people. she was different. she was unique.

she was a friend.

and then it hit me, hard. To what misfortune did she end up with me? Im neither of the things people look for. i cant be cheerful, humorous, and loving everytime. No. i was the opposite. quite the opposite. With my temper that only she has managed to keep in check, a selfish possessiveness and my brooding personality, i wondered if she ever regretted being stuck in the darkness with me.

but i couldnt help but be selfish.

she was the light

she was the only one who didnt leave me alone

i was fragile

like a broken toy

yet she looks past that and sees me as whole

and the fact that i hurt her in ways unimaginable 

because of my own god damn thinking 

and my words i cant stop

the pain was enough that i halted 

i crouched on the floor as she browsed the shelves of the stationary shop we were in. And i closed my eyes in regret

i pretended to look at the items i didnt register as i flashbacked to the moment where i had hurt her enough

that she had backed away

she didnt trust me 

she probably doesnt

because this is all new to me

the fact that there is someone there

and that im not alone

you feel helpless

consumed by emotions

you never felt before

so god help me

if shell be the death of me

because for now

theres so much to see

the way she laughs

like music to the ears

and the way she nudges

me through all my fears

the fact that shes here

and not scared by my mind

she steps into the darkness

no matter what she may find

i hold my own baggage

of thoughts so worn

yet she turns a blind eye

like my clothes that get torn

she respects my space

my jackets and hoodies

though we clash

we make up through foodies

and though silence

now dominates most of everything

its comfortable enough

i dont need anything

but words fail me

when it comes to her

because shes everything

with her leapord prints and fur

the fact that im drowning again

with all the pain i inflict tirelessly 

i wish i could say

you dont care mindlessly

but now that would surely be a laugh

as its such a lie

i know you now have your doubts

as i once had mine

but now i kneel to the floor

my palms on the ground

i submit to you

without a sound

its almost like im reigned in

and im finally in a cage

stuck in a notebook

no longer a ripped page

so i guess ill hand you 

the pen you have seemed to take

and let you write our stories

that you mostly make

and i will sit here and read them

laugh through our joys and sorrows

for no matter every fight we have

there has always been a tomorrow

so i will hold on to that hope

and god forbid if this ends

i will make one last promise i never have

ill always.. be your friend.

-3A.M

She walks in front of me with a strut and a bounce
Her head held high
Her chin in the air
Even with the wind blowing her hair
She's the friend you can count on
for anything
And everything
Here's to you

Skype sessions #101

When youre skyping with a friend, most of the time you talk the whole time. if not, for the most of the session. thats not the case between me and my only skype buddy.
we end up leaving the videos open and just do our own thing. we dont need to have words to fill in the conversation between us.
but sometimes
we end up typing
instead of speaking
and these are snapshots
of the times when both of us
are in our crazy weird moods

and i think its amazing
to have a friend
that you can be totally stupid with hey

the light blue logs are my answers
shes dark blue

and maybe because of this i cant help but smile and look back at these

these are good memories to remember

both her an i have our differences

we have our arguements and fights

but as long as we make up 

and apologize

i believe all friendships will turn out okay

because life is a rollercoaster

everyone and everything

has their ups and downs

and sometimes they come to a complete stop

but rollercoasters just start again

so its okay

to ever be in a fight with your best friend or mate

swallow your pride

talk it out

work it out

and itll be okay

i promise

hey kittykat :D

-3A.M

Shadows of the present

People often told her how lucky she was to be where she is right now. Having 2 amazing supportive parents, a wayward yet supportive brother, and having her education being given to her in open hands figuratively. Lucky she was born and raised in a family wealthy enough, lucky that she was so cherished.


But she never felt lucky.
Never.


Because her family was far from perfect. On the insides, it was broken like cerulean pieces of china, glued together haphazardly to resemble they were okay. They brought on their smiles, their best dishes and best décor when inviting guests over to the house, yet.. because it was expected.


Her schooling went well with countless tutors day and night to make sure her grades were high, because it was expected. Her parents made sure to limit her social life so a minimum so she wouldn't be distracted, because that was expected. Her hair always in a tight ponytail and always wearing old clothes, as no one would see her anyway, it was expected she would never defy her parents or go against them.


The smart, apparently perfect child with the perfect family... they were such ironic bastards. With her dad who would smile when required as his daughter would get another award in academics and turn out number 1 in competitions, yet would never see her existence when the sun went down. The mother who would fuss over her in the mornings yet would not even remember if she was home.. because that was what expected. the daughter would never leave home. She didn't need anything too much.


it was a perfect family really if you looked from afar. the walls were bare from photos so that no shadows hung over the house. yet no one realized the shadows behind each of the individuals of the house.


which drove her older brother insane


therefore he disappeared like smoke in the wind. the son that the mother and father adored more than life itself turned against his parents to be who he wanted to be, not what was expected.


they never mentioned him in the family gatherings again.


the daughter came into the view.


but she was never what they wanted to be


she could never be the son they wanted to replace


she was just a daughter.. they wanted, that everyone thought off, but no one ever spoke off twice.


the shadows loomed over her .. the shadow of expectation. the shadow of fear. the shadows of loss.


she didn't want to be a memory of her brother in the eyes of her parents. but what can replace a memory? when it isn't there in flesh and blood anymore? the 2nd child left behind could never ever be the 1st lost child.


she wished a lot. she prayed a lot. and that's when she realized she was alive when she bled. she wanted to feel loved, to be remembered, and to be cared for . she wanted to know what it felt like to be special in her family. the fucked up family.


but no matter how hard she tried to be exceptional, she could never be what was expected. what the world expected. she could never be enough


but she could bleed


she sat in her balcony underneath the blanket of the stars too numb to even feel the cold. she was surprised how little pain she felt when her wrists bathed itself in the dark colors of life itself. she was in awe of the rush of blood, the adrenaline, the fact that she could feel something besides being numb.


but then she didn't feel surprised anymore.


the feelings came back


the darkness of  the mind
she went back into the embrace of her shadow


where she was nothing anymore
not special
not second best


just nothing




a shadow no one would speak off
think twice off
a shadow
no one would miss




and she was gone


















-3A.M

we dont need to be kids to rejoice in the excitement of having temporary tattoos. 

-3A.M

GWTI #2

"talk to me" i snarled, forcing her to face me as we both stood in front of each other. "Leave it" she replied, refusing to look at me in the eyes. "Stop hiding everything from me!" i snapped, unable to keep my emotions in check as i stepped closer, forcing her to look at me. She snapped her eyes at mine, and i was suprised to see her hidden anger. She never showed this much anger towards me. "Its not your business Izzy!" she replied, stepping backwards, now looking to walk away. "Why do you push me away everytime? Why is it that when i want to know anything about you , you push me away! We've known each other for so long god damn it, why dont you trust me?" "I trust you" she whispered, now looking anywhere but at me. "Lies" i snarled, clenching my fists as i started to shake from my anger. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and looked at me again, but with her blank face on, meaning she was upset. "Ive never done this before. i dont talk to people and you know that.  I dont want you to know my family. Theyre mine, and i dont like it if you force your way in to my life." i stepped back, as if she had slapped me with her words."but" i whispered, "i would never do anything to your family, yet i do know them. But you just become so secretive. You know everything about me yet i dont know anything about you. You refuse to tell me anything about your past yet you know everything about mine. How do i even trust you if you dont trust me Ryn!" i all but yelled as i felt my eyes tearing up from the waves of emotions running through me. "You told them to me yourself" she replied, looking at me coldly. "So you could trust me. Know who i am" i growled back, biting my lips as my eye sight started to blur. Thats when i felt it, the familiar pain in the abdomen, coming back and slamming into me into full force. "fuck" i snarled, fistin my clothes as i hunched over in pain. "Whats wrong?" she asked, hurrying over to me. "Dont touch me" i growled, still angry that she didnt trust me. i wanted to say more but couldnt, as my stomach rushed into my mouth and i convulsed, dropping to the floor as i splattered blood everywhere in the ground. "Izzy!" she screamed, holding my shoulders to prevent me from falling face first into the gravel. With my pride still hurting from her lack of faith, i held myself on all fours, then staggered up, away from her. i didnt even want to imagine what i looked like, as my clothes filled with blood. i coughed, and coughed yet again as more blood flowed out. She made a move to step towards me, but i held up a hand. She stopped, her eyes now whirling with emotions again as i struggled to reign my pain in. I was going to tell her my last secret, the only thing no one knew about me. But she didnt deserve to know.She didnt trust me.

She never trusted me.


With that, i turned my back towards her and tried to walk away but the pain was too great. Black spots swam in front of my eyes as my knees kissed the gravel yet again and this time i fell to the ground. With my senses dimming, i fluttered my eyes open to see something i never thought id ever see. She was crying. She was crying for me. With that thought, i closed my eyes , giving in to the pain as the smell of blood filled into my nostrils.













-3A.M

Dear Me

Dear Younger Semanti,

Life is going to be tough and you know that. Stop driving your mom crazy and keep hanging out with your two crazy childhood best friends. Play more badminton. and basketball and cricket and baseball and hide and seek and run the dogs and save more stray animals. Climb more trees because you may forget how to. Make sure not to hit the cricket ball towards a wasps nest because they sting like shit. Stop studying so much and just spend more time outside because you never know what youll be missing when you grow up and go to high school then university. Stop comparing your height with the other two boys because theyre shorter than you, youre a mean bully. Learn how to dress properly otherwise you'd end up with the tomboy style you grew up with with the boys. Stop eating chocolates. They cause cavity. Dont throw away the art book because it has memories youll never recreate again. Remember that whole dragon story you wrote? Keep that god damn notebook safe because the names of the characters were amazing :D

Dear younger me,

Play out in the sun more, get tanned, and stay until you can see the stars, wrestle with the boys, win, and then hug them and become the triangle again. Dear me, keep drawing crazy shit in random papers. You never know how good you can turn out to be. Dear me, dont stop saving money in the random corners you used to put and were too shy to ask for a 3rd piggy bank because everything was cluttered with notes and coins. its good to save money. Youll need it in the future.

lastly, dear me, enjoy the boys as much as possible. for when puberty hits and maybe one day youll like one of them and theyll like you, you never know what to do when its time. choose wisely and make the right decisions for 2 friendships are at your stake


and always hold on to that friend youve had since kingergarden

heres to you my 3rd childhood bestfriend. I know youre studying in London, becoming a doctor and shit, but regardless of the distance, the fact that we still keep tabs with each other is enough for me to let you know i god damn fucking love you you idiot. and one day well meet again.
you pretty little woman whos still shorter than me <3




-3A.M

Suffocate

I feel like im making an enemy of myself, wrapping myself in a shroud of darkness to keep the light away. I suffocate my breathing from all air and close my eyes against any light because im too afraid of those around me.
i feel like im suffocating you because i care too much
but its worse when you cant breathe during those periods where youre huddled at the corner of your room fighting with the demons of your mind, preying upon you like sharks in the ocean. The voices never lessen, never diminish, rather grow in number and size. Its almost intimidating how much i loathe going deep inside my mind, for i fall upon waters of thoughts ill end up drowning in.
i feel suffocated whenever i have to start and end a phone call with the parents because the first and last thing they talk about is my studies. not about how happy i am or if im okay.
i feel suffocated by these emotions and thoughts i seem to possess and cant get rid off because they strengthen their hold on my mind everyday and shake me to my very core.
theyre poisonous thoughts that run through my head that makes me curl up and never see the sun again like before


but sometimes 
.
i hate.. i hate the way i feel like im drowning when everyone else around me is breathing perfectly fine. Theres a wall between them and i, making it so silent that my own screams are the only physical sound. No one can fix me, yet no one can help me escape from the chains of my mind, And i fear for those who climb my walls to join me for i would drive them insane. I cant help but let the walls become thicker, thicker than ever, throwing me deeper into the water suffocating my very being, drowning in my own screams.

-3A.M

No restrictions

A friendship between two individuals is like the relationship between the ocean and the rain. For without the ocean, the rain will never come, and yet without rain, the ocean would forever be restless. Too still. Too calm. Too quiet.

They both compliment each other in ways people don't understand.

True friendship is when there are no restrictions with each other

You speak of what's on your mind and you think of the other's welfare when you are about to do something crazy

A friendship has no definition to be described
Millions say it's just someone who's there with you forever
Or just understands you the best

But maybe a friendship is just companionship. A bond that can't be tethered by any normal means. Its so strong that you need only but trust and distance to make it grow. That's when you know you have a real jewel of a friend

A friendship has no limits. Its like riding a car with no destination. Often times we meet people we click with and we end up never thinking of them again. That's when you know you were in the taxi together with a stranger and left in opposite directions.

A friendship needs no words for everything. Often times just being next to each other physically, or knowing that the other is just a phone call or a drive away whenever you need them is enough to make you feel comforted that you have someone to depend on.

A friendship needs no cheering. Sure others look up to you and comment on saying how well we fit each other like two jigsaw puzzle but what makes you stick together is purely your own protective nature over the other. You can't stand it if they get hurt. So you talk to them. As much as possible. Protect them. As much as possible.

A friendship never is perfect. Without fights, it is dull and lifeless. Arguments show that even though heads clash and we snarl at each other and raise our voices, we end up laughing about it or put it behind in a closed notebook. They bring sparks. They're the reason why two friends end up even more bonded for they know they can be themselves. Talk it out
 Fight it out.

But mainly a friendship just means having freedom, or no control. We have to let them go at times because we aren't the only ones for them. I learnt this the hard way and I realize it now. Its for the best when we know we have each other, why not trust them to be with others? In other words, without trust a friendship never lasts. The more you trust each other the more secure you both feel.

It takes time to find a friend as such
But one day
You will
I promise








-3A.M

firecracker

I feel like our birth is like a firecracker you know that is travelling up to the sky. And when we burst is when we truly grow up. All those sparkles and shit are the troubles we went through and put it behind us. The colors are blinding. The noises are deafening. And at times you can't even see straight. But in the end after all the sparkles fade away you know you just went through something beautiful. You witnessed something beautiful.

And maybe that's what life is you know

Sometimes we just gotta br the sparklers than be running away from the light

-3A.M

flowers

Flowers are generally described as beautiful, scented little blossoms that supposedly cheer the receiving end. Yet some despise them. For what they're made for. What they look like. And the purpose they serve. I do not understand the concept behind handing someone a living thing that dies quickly. Its a general temporary spout of happiness yet millions yearn it from their lovers. Why?

Do they like the fact the lovers are giving them temporary happiness?
Why is it even considered "a sweet move" when they never last long enough.

And let's not even talk about how expensive they are at times

I never understood what they meant until I started getting them from a boy. I despised red roses for they symbolized a love so dark that died in the end.

White roses always brought the worst memories in my mind for when he died, I saw white roses everywhere
Desks
Chairs
Tables
Rooms
Churches

Everything reminded me of his death


Then this boy comes in and he actually bought roses. But different ones. I still remember when he interrupted me in the middle of my tutorial and bought me 3 pale pink roses, 2 sunset orange and 2 pale yellow roses. They looked beautiful

And when we stood at the doorway to my bungalow he handed them to me with a smile I remember being confused. What was I supposed to do with them? And when he handed me 2 lindtt chocolate bars in the other hand I remember smiling wide. Chocolate was the way to my heart. He knew that. And after kissing his cheek and letting him go, I remember looking at the roses in my hand.

They were bright and vibrant. Signaling the feelings he felt for me. And i was slightly awed by the sheer Perfection. Not a petal was out of place.

My dad took them from my hands and placed in one of the antique vases around the house. I remember checking on it every few hours to see if they were still alive.

And on the 3rd day they wilted



Even with my dad's utmost care and loving attention they withered away like a plant without rain. They turned brown and lifeless and fell everywhere around the floor, outside the vases, resembling a broken heart. The pieces left after the aftermath.

And i hated roses even more since then. I hated every type of flower since then. The temporary joy they brought was never meant to last.

Because happiness never lasts.


And maybe I hated them because they died. They died just as easily as humans did

And i was so tired of death

I am tired of death

I am tired of the fact that I carry a burden with me everywhere I go and no matter how hard I try to look at the most beautiful things in life I end up finding flaws and distance myself from it.

Just as I'm scared to fall in love again
And end up greeting deaths victorious face yet again


I'm so tired god

I'm so fucked up





-3A.M

The worst kind of pain is when you're letting go someone not wanting to. But you have to. Because you're going to be there in the darkness, waking up at 2 in the morning crying about the worst things in life. And then this stands out. We fall in love with the most unexpected people. Maybe it's the perfect guy you met the other day, or the most arrogant jerk you can ever come across. But it doesn't matter. Because when death comes in the middle, your whole balance of the world shifts. Its like someone just stole the ground you're standing on, and you're left falling into an abyss of pain and loneliness. You don't know how to get out of it. Not at first . But everything takes time. But how about if it wasn't only just time? Maybe because you just don't want to let go? Because I don't know how to. And so this is my story of my struggles, my pain, my life. The honest truth In life is watching someone die my friend. So think about it, who's going to watch you die?









-3A.M

thrown back

"What do you want to be?" he asked, smiling softly as we sat next to the river bank, throwing rocks to see who threw it the farthest. I looked at him, admiring his sharp nose and my favorite crooked grin on his face, as he plucked another stone from the ground and threw it into the river. " author " i answered back immediately, grinning my broken toothed smile as the scar on my upper lips twinged in pain. He smiled wider and stretched, unfurling his long limbs and laying back down in the grass. "You?" i asked, staring at the bit of skin that peeked at me from underneath his shirt. "A skater" he grinned, the bad boy grin, as he rolled over on his stomach and promptly fell asleep. I couldn't help but sit closer, run my hands over his soft hair that was just below his ears. And when he sleepily opened one eye and smiled at me yet again, I realized I was in love. It didn't matter how ugly I looked or how dark I was in skin colour. Because the moment I found him, it was just him and i.


And i wonder what would've happened to us now. I'm studying science. He probably would've kept his passion for collecting shoes and still skateboard every now and then
And handle his dad's gigantic company.


And he would've known how to erase my mind from all these fears
From all this stress
For the moment I saw him
The sudden charge of electricity always increased in intensity the closer we got


And it's been so gosh darn empty
Since he's been gone






-3A.M

Having her back

She walked in front of me, leading us to our destination. And as i struggled along with my sore quads I couldn't help but smile. She was back. She was here again. I hadn't talked or laughed as much as I had with her. And as we sat down and talked and talked without limit, i felt myself putting down the walls again that erected when she was gone. She gained my trust

And i wasn't scared

And that hit me

As she laughed uncontrollably about how others view our friendship as a goal to look forwards to.

And it's funny how there's never enough to say
There are no uncomfortable spaces in our conversation

We spent 4 hours without knowing and soon it was time to go home.
She accepts my hugs without complaint now


And as we went our seperate ways


We both had a smile on our faces

It was good to have her back


It was good to be back with my mind again


This year is our year
For our friendship
And I'll work for it

I've never been the best friend
But I'll be someone
She can finally look at
when we do stupid shit together



-3A.M

_#1

I stared at her, mesmerized by the way her fingers tapped the steering wheel as she tapped along to the beat of the song. My eyes slid to her lips, so full yet tantalizing, almost like a deathly poison. She bit it, gently, driving me wild on the inside. Her eyes darted between the road ahead and the rear view mirror, her curses falling onto blind ears as i watched her shake one fist in the air and flip a birdy at the driver she drove past. I couldn't help but bubble out a laugh, completely put into a trance as i saw the mirth of the situation hit her. We both were giggling like school kids, with not a care in the world. And it felt amazing. To release this pent-up happiness as we drove to god knows where. And it was okay
For once we drove along without a destination
But as long as she stayed with me
It was alright
It was going to be okay







-GWTI excerpt



-3A.M