Haze

 I do not know how to describe the feeling of failure

The slow haze of acceptance and anxiety

Like the quiet tears mother wiped by herself at night

Or the blurry gaze of contacts of the wrong prescription 

It is akin to watching sunlight through cracks of a broken window

Glaring sunrays reflecting but not quite hitting the expanse of my skin

It is the realisation of the symphony within my head

That the world was not made for me to be in it

There is no simple way to tell you I want to die

Words are not enough to describe the emptiness in the hollows of my being

Love is poured into it endlessly yet it has not reached the bottom

Affection has been stripped from my skin

I am a walking roaring green-eyed monster

Envious of people who can love and be loved 

I am simply a being hurt and afraid of being hurt

A suicidal girl beneath the tresses

No, I do not know hot to tell you

I am Icarus flying without wings

Freefalling to the sea

With no desire of stopping.

A Walking Contradiction

 God took his time to make a walking contradiction

To create a being so uncertain about life

That I spend more time counting down how much longer I can live

Than to look at what I have left to live for.

To be said more simply, I love the life that I live

I love the people I love and I love the kids I teach

But I feel like with every person I add in to love

I give away pieces of me that crumble away from my being

Like toppling dominos

Or cracks in pastry

Or flakes of the delicate croissant you spent hours folding and creating

I am as fragile as melting snow and as cold as burnt out flames.

To all that is out there

Oh I am so frustrated with myself

I want to break down my veins and tear out my skin

Take away everything that creates who I am

And set alight to all that I am not

I want to throw them towards the Sun

And watch myself fade from existence

As If I have not been doing this in the first place.

I have been this way for years

Unstable, Unreal, Unloveable and Unadorned

This soul no longer takes in the beauty this world has to offer

For the emptiness is no longer ‘borderline’ or ‘diagnosed’.

It is eating away at my being like untreatable cancer

And no amount of therapy can stop its descent down my throat

If only I could express what I felt is real with how you treat me

Rip my shell off to show you the truest version of myself

A little girl crying out to be loved in a world full of hate

A little girl crying at the realisation

That people like me are not meant to be loved

We are meant to give 

We give and give until we no longer exist

The world runs on the throes of our love. 

So forgive me If I no longer want to be a part of this world

For my soul was not meant to be at your disposal.

-3am