Heres something awfully raw and honest i never let anyone know, but i cynically and sarcastically have stated it and slipped it in during my jokes.
I hate myself alot
And its shocking to understand why. I hate myself with the way i deal with things or the way i DONT deal. There are days where i genuinely just want to shut down and then there are days where im pretending to be someone else. This got to a point where i had identity crisis. I didnt know who to be or who i was.
It lasted for years.
Add in me questioning my sexuality and being afraid of dissapointing my parents (still am), 20's is a hard time . And then a relationship where i spent most of the time trying to pleaze the opposite partner.. i killed my mental health in the process.
I killed myself off because i loathed to be me
You all know me for my amazing laughter, my jokes, my smile and my ability to lend a ear or a hand. I will pay for your meals and sacrifice my time to make sure you arent suffering.
But i realized i needed to stop because no one would do the same.
Id be called at 12 am, messaged at 3am and id be answering all of them back.
But i have called at 9pm and no ones answered. Or they said they're busy
I made myself think im a burden
And i still think i am
But i think im worth the burden
And this is something i need to work on
Giving myself so freely and being taken advantage of is not fun. Its not nice lying in bed at 3am wondering why im lonely. And why i cant make friendships last.
Heres a journey to understanding why i hate myself
-3AM
