Coffee shops

He couldnt help but stare in awe at the surroundings around me, the earthy colours, the comfy atmosphere, and the buzz of people sitting at the tables and booths with cups of coffees and books. He  looked around for a spare seat, when he noticed that one booth, out of all, was empty with only 1 girl sitting inside. It intrigued him, as the busy coffee shop had people forcing to take away their coffees as there was literally no space to sit down, and all except her booth was full. He made his way to the barista, who beamed at him cheerily, almost too happily for his liking. "Hi what can i get for you today?" he asked, flashing his lip piercing in a beaming smile. He smiled back politely and took out his wallet. "Expresso double shot" he stated, handing him a 5 dollar bill. "Youre going to have to take away though , seeing as theres no empty seats at the moment, unless you'd like to wait?" the barista stated, nodding behind him to the full room of people. "How about the booth there? Can i share the space with her?" he asked, looking towards the girl in the corner booth, sitting the farthest away from the windows. To his suprise, the baristas eyes dimmed of its radiance, and his smile dropped slightly. "Um.. i cant really say. ill still put it in a takeaway cup. No one really bothers her and shes a regular here. its almost like her spot you see. " he murmured nervously, handing him his change and walking away towards the coffee machine. As he waited for his coffee he took his time observing the girl sitting there, and analyzed her from the distance. She had jet black hair, pulled up in a messy bun with tufts of strands poking out in various directions. In front of her she had 2 empty cups, holding the third one in her left hand while she scribbled away in her notebook in the other. He couldnt see her eyes, for her back was towards him and he could barely see her head even from his position. Grabbing his coffee and murmuring thanks to the barista, he walked towards the girl, curious as to see why no one would bother her. As he approached her he noticed how cool it was at this spot compared to the front of the shop, the heating was minimal and the chatter here was more dimmed as well. walking up to the table he placed his coffee on the surface and slid into the bench opposite of the girl, and waited for her to notice him. it was almost funny, how her head raised up from her notebook and met his eyes with a shocked look, as if she never saw a human in front of her before. Giving her a tentative smile, he asked her softly, for as he looked at her expression, he realized she was actually nervous of him. "is it alright if i sit here? i wont disturb you, its just there is no where else to sit" the girls eyes widened even more, and she bit her lip and nodded, shrugging slightly and dipping her head again, hiding her eyes from him. and he realized he was staring. the girl in front of him was very intriguing indeed. with almond eyes with the darkest of brown, full plum lips and with her tanned complexion, she was quite a sight amongst the other ethnicities in the shop. But what shocked him the most was her eyes. Besides the darkness, how dead they looked. they didnt spark with any emotion and they looked so lifeless, when she stared at him while he sat down, almost as if she never even knew what happiness was. it jarred him at the spot, as he wrenched his eyes away from the girl and took out his own novel he was holding in his hands, holding his trembling hands tightly to his coffee cup with the other.

A hour passed solidly and no one disturbed them. it was then he noticed, as he looked up from his book that the girl had stopped writing and was staring out at the walls again with the blank expression, yet it screamed sadness. the expression wrenched his heartstrings, for never had he met a girl so quiet and lonely, and so withdrawn. as he watched her stare at the walls, her phone rang suddenly, piercing the silence with a dubstep ringtone, catching him unawares and making him jump. the girl, faster than light snatched the phone up and put it to her ears, whispering something, and hanging up a second later. thats when he stared even more. She had smiled.  she had smiled a crooked smile, where only a part of her lips raised to actually bring out a dimple right next to her slight smile, so small he almost missed it. she grabbed the notebook and shoved it in her adidas bag, sliding out of the booth with agility. she looked at him, as he looked at her, wondering if she was going to say anything. but she didnt. she blinked and turned around, walking out the coffee shop with her empty cups of coffee in hand, taking his heart away with the smile she never gave him.

he wanted to know her.

You see heres the biggest difference between my best friend and i. To her, looking acceptable is important. With fashionable clothes, a nice hair day, and just overall looking good means alot. Whereas its totally the opposite for me. I dont care now whether the jeans i wear are ripped inside or too baggy from being stretched. I dont care how tight my shirt looks around my shoulders and stomach because my condition makes it so hard to lose fat when i am struggling with deficiencies. And most of all my hair. I dont care if its in a messy bun and overall looks like a birds nest. You know whats the best part? No one cares. They look at you but they forget you. They wont remember you tomorrow because we are not deemed important enough.
And here is where your friends come in. If your friends pick on you for what you wear and how you look, and put you down for being yourself outside your room, girl let me tell you this. Being alone is so much more worth it than being with someone who cant accept your differences. Sure, my best friend doesnt need to be so dressed up and fancy everytine because in all honesty shes always pretty with someone without those clothes. But that's how she feels comfortable and it doesnt bother me. And imagine me next to her with my hoodies and sweatpants eating in a fine dining resturant.
She didnt give a fuck . She didnt question my outfit, didnt comment on my tired eyes, just kept it normal.

We accept each other for our differences. Maybe thats the biggest thing friendships should focus on. Not the similarities. But the differences. Believe me then youll know you made a friend worth more than your heart.




-3AM

punching bag

I realized there was something very wrong with my family. Something i  had known all along but never acknowledged it.

Everytime something went wrong
If brother made a mistake
If dad got upset
Or if mum got angry

I was the punching bag of the family.

I was both blamed and vented upon. I was both their release for frustration and their eye sore. They hated and loved me for their problems and pains and for never speaking up against the pain they caused me.



I am but a skeleton
A girl who never loved herself

paper towns of confinement

"if you ever feel like youre in a paper town, and you want to run away, go. Because no matter how far you go, and how long it takes, i know i will find a way to get you back. Not as lovers the movie potrated, but as best friends"

"i never run away, thats not me"

"no, you keep going on. But one day you will. And youll travel far away from civilization. Dont worry. Ill come with you"









3am

skeletons

"its okay to keep failing, keep falling, and to keep getting back up. Because thats just who we are"
"im so tired of being a nobody though Ash"
She smiled, as she hugged her knees closer to herself and looked at the city lights.
"why be afraid of being nobody? Afterall , we are but skeletons. Inside and out."









3Am

"Hows life?"
"Splendid"
"Hows she?"
"Gone"
"What?"
"what?"
"Explain that"
"there is no explanation needed"
"i thought you fell for her"

He looked at me, and i saw it for the first time. Without his usual mask of indifference he was hurting so bad.

"i didnt just fall for her." He murmured, putting his trembling knuckles inside his jeans. "i fucking drowned"

Ugly monster

Those few times i look into the mirror,
would you like to know what i see?
Shush let me tell you what i think
Because i know you will never agree

We both know im hurting, hurting so bad
i so badly want to let everything go and give up
Because we both see the monster, inside me
Thats telling everyone and everything to shut up
Shut up it says
as it clenches its fists
it swings out with its temper
and holds onto your wrists

See, times like this is why i want to be alone,
Where everything is lost and nowwhere to be found
i get lost amongst the voices, voices inside the darkness 
that try to bring me down to the ground

see my mind is like a path, a path to follow
yet without the clear directions of a map
those who try and enter within its maze
end up falling to my angers wrath

You tell me that you can see, that im afraid,
of letting every thought go free
Because confiding in people
has broken you more than me

But problem is my love, that deep down,
i know i will never want to
Maybe something happened, that i cant speak of
something that i refuse to let go off.

You see this is how close i finally am
to finally breaking down on the outside
Because im just so sick of people assuming
That i am a bad guy

A bad guy they said
Who has a temper of an beast
breaks things without hesitation
upon dead memories it feasts

you say that you understand
everything im going through
you try to provide me an unconditional love
so i can trust you

I see myself as an ugly monster
with red eyes and claws
i try to keep you away from me
hide all my flaws

but you keep coming back my love
to break down these walls
this ugly monster hides away from you
for it fears you abandoning us all

this monster is attached to you
that you gently hold on to
im so afraid at this point of myself
to again end up hurting you

so now let me ask you again
do you know what i see?
when i look into the mirror
i see me

im begging you to understand
to keep being here while i start to see
that i can be better, i am trying
just trust in me.

the lass of the past

There lived a lass once filled with joy
that showed with every leap and bound
'Ere she lived with comforts of wealth
that turned a green eye from everyone around
But oh, joy never does last
as her light started dimming with sorrow
mistakes being made without second thoughts,
she barely thought she'd live to see 'morrow
Alas it was as if fate was playing
a game, of how much she could go through
No words could explain the profound madness
which she kept hidden between me and you
For a man had come along with shining armour
He brightened her world with a smile
you could find them frolicking around every corner
ah but it sadly lasted for a while
for God became angry at these 2 kids
who had nothing but content peace
everyone thought we had found our happy ending
till a storm came and wiped out every loving bliss
he was gone, taken away by the winds
so fast, so swiftly, all in one breath
the lass was confused for she had never felt so alone
that in the end, nothing seemed sweeter than death
she maimed herself in every way
blamed herself for the pain
for nothing could heal her rightly again
as she started drowning in torrents of rain
the wounds on her wrist then started to heal
the scars now reflect her anger of a lovers loss
she lost her quiet and sincere attitude
to a prideful bitch she never was
never a nigh' went by you wouldnt hear
how someone would be charmed by a smile from this lass
they would think they shouldve forseen a warning
the moment she stepped into the new class
with her family name and wealth stamped in her mind
prideful, haughty and high
but in reality she couldnt change who she really was
until she met a lad who looked at her straight in her eyes
he was handsome, well clad in fine clothes
belonging to one of the richest families present in the country
a well known player, heartbreaker, yet a sinful lover
one could never imagine to live with him happily.
she doubted herself yet again
she stayed back as far as she could go
but his actions showed nothing but kindness
which in the end became her fatal blow
for you wouldve found them together always
in class, in the grounds, in the car
the pure bliss could be seen in their eyes
as one would watch from afar
but sometimes expectations lead astray
the lass was too broken to give for more
the handsome lad then picked himself up
without looking back forevermore
she felt angry, betrayed, lustless
for she thought she had been played
she closed her heart against all men
no matter how many promised they would stay
this lass now is the ice queen
playing and breaking hearts like no tomorrow
but in reality shes just so afraid
to drown again in another heartbreak sorrow


-3am