panic attacks

 Fuck me. God. Jesus I was a mess. I could barely swallow down the pain that wanted to be let out vocally, and god I felt so fucked up. My tongue felt so heavy, dry as a cardboard, as I clicked his account name again and again.

And again

“You have not received any new emails from….”

“fuck” I swore, clicking the sent emails next. As I skimmed through them, read each and everyone I sent, smiling fondly at how stupid I sounded in some, I felt the terrible ache again in my chest. It got worse as I slowly reached the last few emails I had sent him. When suddenly, the pain hit me as if I was having a heart surgery without anesthesia. There it was. The last email I had sent. “Please. Talk to me. Say something. Please”

But you were gone by then. I know it now. But back then I didn’t.

Please. I begged in my mind at present, as I shoved the laptop away from me, finding it difficult to breathe. My hands started shaking and my body started becoming numb as fresh waves of agony came in waves over me. Crawling to the floor, I recognized the symptoms this time. Panic, Anxiety, Pain and Depression. These 4 nightmares had come back to me again. Please. I thought, as I covered my ears and curled into a ball. I felt it again. The walls coming to crush me, the video player starting up again in my mind without a pause button. And then the voices started. Crying out, I curled into a tighter ball trying to shove my fists to my ears as I heard their voices. Wills voice. My friends. The teachers. And the funeral speakers. I couldn’t fight any longer as I gave into the video playing inside my mind, every memory of you being shown again. And I remember murmuring the last thing I remember murmuring when in my mind It played the footage where I kneeled upon you funeral picture. Don’t go yet.

I don’t remember anything of that day. I don’t remember the events that took place after. Hannah had found me on the floor, in the same position as some imaginary force made me rock back and forth muttering please every few minutes. Her voice had been shouting my name, and her hands were gripping my shoulders with unimaginable force I learnt later when I saw the bruises. I don’t remember her wrenching my hands away from my ears and pulling my face towards her as she uncurled me forcefully. I don’t remember her crying on the phone as she called the ambulance, my family, and Aiden. Because all I saw were memories of him. The tape played on in my mind as I was rushed to the hospitals with falling blood pressure and sugar, and my heart rate decreasing by the second. All I remembered was at that point I was not there anymore. No I was back in my past.

And then suddenly the memories slowly came to a stop as i came to the last memory of us. I remember seeing it then, the darkness that was surrounding you when you were standing next to the staircase, staring at me so intensely I could not look away. And I remember. The corners of your lips lifting into my favorite crooked smile that was never a full smile, and watched as the darkness then crept towards you. This all was happening while I was there at the other end of the hallway, unable to move, unable to scream, unable to tell you to run away,run away from the darkness, run away to me. And as I watched the darkness fully consume you, I remember you crossing your middle finger over your index, giving me our symbol. I know now what you meant. It meant you promise. It was an unspoken promise we both had given each other to watch over each other. And as I found my legs suddenly fighting the force holding my back, I lunged towards the darkness that rapidly disappeared as well. You were gone by then, but I had that hope, that maybe I could be gone with you. And as I started running fast, I lunged, trying to grab hold of the last bits of the presence that had taken you, remembering how loudly I screamed your name as I tried to grab on.

“NO!” i gasped, wrenching myself awake as I forced my eyes open. I tried to move, tried to run away again, but found myself immobile. I couldn’t move again. “No!” I screamed, as my hands became tangled in all the wires and IV plugged into me, inside me, and the bedsheets that were strangling me. I couldn’t breathe again, the raw pain of watching you gone again ripped through me as the door burst open and people streamed in. But I saw nothing. I didn’t recognize the crying faces nor the nurses that accompanied the 2 doctors as I was held down to the bed like a heavy weight. “No”. I whispered, my strength failing me as I felt a small pinch right in the crook of my elbow, and saw the darkness coming again this time. But it wasn’t that darkness like before. This was the cold, empty, quiet darkness. It did not have the welcoming effect like the one that took you did. But I could fight no longer.Managing to let one tear slip, I succumbed to its arms, feeling empty again. I was nothing.

Sinking

Theres water in my lungs and im sinking to the sea bed
Please dont ask me where Im going or if youll see me again
Instead, tell me ill float to the surface and kiss the stars with my blue lips
Convince me Ill see the light again

Follow me like an avalanche
as our freefalls turn to screams
For i will show you an echo
that shakes the mountains free

Islam and Terrorism

My name is Semanti, and i was born in India, raised in Thailand, graduated highschool from Indonesia, and Im currently finishing my higher studies in Australia. I am Semanti, defined by my colour, my race, my background, and my religion, because society has tags, labels, and categories, to fit me in through the slots. I am Semanti, because of the clothes i wear, the presidential party i support, and the friends i make. But i am not Semanti because of who i want to be, because then the world would be chaos, it would obliterate the very idea of understanding who each person is.

this is where we are wrong

People dont see an individual through their personality but rather judge them from the decisions they make. People dont see us as humans at first glance, but rather as an opposing individual with a different character. They jump at a chance to judge our mistakes, our failures, and laugh at our wayward journey to succeed. See, we have no solid words to describe these types of people. We call them the bullies, the mean ones, people who dont understand. But do we understand as well even though we are in the shoes that are currently sinking in the ground? I have judged mercilessly, scorned those who keep failing including myself, and frowned at words that are disagreeable. But I have not taken any action. We demand of the government alot of things. Housing, Financial aid, study grants, an endless list of wants and needs. But i do believe some of them we can actually accomplish on our own.

Terrorism

A word that cant be said properly because its so full of hate and pain. At this point, we are at a curve where terrorism is no longer defined by a person's act, but rather by religion. Religion is a war we are facing now, and there are sides being picked, forced upon, as the media continuously brainwashes the gullible ones.

We hear the worst about Muslims.
Their religion called Islam.

And let me tell you this. I am Indian, I am Hindu, But i am not against this religion
My family has faced backlash before from people following the religion of Islam, but never have i ever seen every single Islamic person treat us as thus.
I grew up in so many different cultures, that let me tell you, that some of the university friends i made, even friends in highschool, were muslims, and they were such sweethearts. They still are.

We lets acts of crime turn into a religious war, not noting that there are good people, people who are actually fighting the same people that are causing us so much affliction, agony, and unrest. But our minds, your minds, are shutting these innocents out. Your minds are blocking their good deeds, their kind hearts, and their honest genuine gestures, and you are choosing to see the worst.

Because as humans, to obliterate 'competition', we have to know the worst to get rid of them.

and im so so angry

Because i cant explain how it felt when someone once asked if i was muslim because of the way i look. I felt like dirt. I literally felt like i was the bottom of the food chain being picked out and torn apart because of the look i was being given by the dominant white male. What stopped these feelings were when a homeless guy stood up to him and asked him to get out, for my religion should not affect the quality of his food, and he has no right to judge me on what i choose to follow

even being a non-muslim, i felt so threatened being there on the other side, as i was forced to wear the shoes of a muslim woman.

I am sorry for those who go through this.

i am so so sorry

That even I , as an individual, never bothered to understand what it would feel like to be in your shoes.

I, however, will say how proud i am that you are a muslim
But most importantly
im proud of who you are

i dont care
what religion you follow
the color of your skin
or the achievements you have recieved

i am proud of you as a person

so despite what the world thinks of you
fuck them
because theyre not you
and you and i are better than them
society will keep fucking us
the media wont change
but as long as we stay strong
we keep fighting terrorism
instead of religion

i believe in peace
and i believe in love

Our gods are great.


-Semanti

dear shitty best friend

I always saw the good in you no matter how bad you treated me
i always bought you things, paid for things, lent you money, with no questions asked, no answers expected
i loved you like i wouldve loved my sister, for you gave me company when no one else did
see
you took advantage of that
you took advantage
of my company
my friendship
my inability to trust anyone
but you
if i made a mistake
there was no going back
anything id have to say
i remember having to carefully watch over my words
make sure they dont hurt you
you were always too sensitive
so much so youd never forgive me
when id carelessly tell you something
"oh you look like a raccoon hahah"
youd get angry and not talk to me properly for days
because somehow
a simple joke
would make you angry
but i was in love with you
i was so in love
with the idea
of having a best friend
not caring
how she
how you
treated me

there were days youd be nice
and we would spend time together
but there were dark days
days where youd snap at me
tell me to learn how to be alone
and tell me to grow up

people knew you because of me
because id tell them
all the good things youve done
but your bad outweighed the good
you were insanely jealous
insanely manipulative
and even possessive to a point where whats yours you wouldnt want to share

i spent years
behind you
in your shadow
watched you
toss me away
only to bring me back when you needed me for something
money
company
fame
friends
we both know i was more popular despite the odds
we both know how i could make friends and stick to them
god im supposed to hate you

but i dont
despite everything
i learnt alot of things from you
you taught me independence
you taught me that loving myself is the best bet to survive in this world
you taught me best friends dont exist
and you taught me
to not be used
because you discarded me
the moment the time came

im sorry for all my mistakes
but im sorry for the reason
you talked to me
and became friends fast
perhaps you were a learning lesson
people can never be trusted
no matter
how good
or how trustworthy they are


thank you


with love


semanti

"The tormented ones heal others the most"

I shook my head, avoiding his eyes. " Ive done nothing to heal you"

He laughed gently and lifted my chin, making my eyes finally meet his.


"You gave me a chance when no one else did"

I swear im dying slowly the more i refuse to not open my eyes because the world outside is becoming meaner everyday

Me myself and I

My battle with my mind is a fight i go through everyday. It abuses me, decieves me, and crowds me with negativity. So forgive me if i seem to be a unsocial freak for i am trying to quiten the voices in my head and shake away my insecurities. Watch me, for the is a battle im fighting with only me, myself, and I. 



-3am

Learning to Love Romanov

"Loving Tenshi was like feeling the gentle caress of the wind. He was the calm of the sea, the small uplifting waves that helped ships onshore, not destroy them. We were attracted to one another like magnets, for the moment we saw each other, unconsciously, our body language would mimic the other and we would be pulled closer, almost like there was a hook attached to us. He was always quiet as well, and whenever we talked the whole world around us never existed for it was just us two. Between us, we never fought, rather talked it out and fixed everything at the spot. We also spent so much time together he indefinitely became a part of me for the next 3 years. So when he was taken away so suddenly by death , that also a brutal murder, it felt like the whole axis of my world had shifted. I couldnt breathe, and it felt like something was ripped out of me. My legs were not mine, my hands were not gripping, and i couldnt move out of the safety of my bed. My blankets became my wall between the harsh reality of the world and i tumbled into depression. I fell into a dark void of loneliness, pain, anger, and self-hatred. His death had nothing to do with me, but i was torturing myself with 'what-ifs' . What if i went with them, would i be able to do something? What if i didnt allow him to go, would it be worth it if he lived but his family died? I was turning both bitter and selfish, and soon it became for the worse. " i paused and shakingly took a breath and looked at Romanov. "You know you can still run if you want to because the story is about to be darker" Romanov shook his head and motioned for me to continue, not meeting my eyes. I drew in another breath and started. "i fell into depression. i fell into this deep dark hole where no sunlight would pierce through the waters. i was in an ocean of darkness, and i was swimming meaninglessly, with no sense of direction. its only been 2 years but it feels like a lifetime because everythings changed. I changed myself, I was no longer interested in relationships, I was no longer interested in even thinking about someone else because I was trying to find myself again. Hell i tried to kill myself Romanov, because this pain got so bad. Overdosing on sleeping pills was perhaps the worst and best decisions ive ever made in my life because i woke up 4 days later with a sore stomach and a cloud of shame now surrounding me with the darkness. I havent touched sleeping pills since then, even though i have the worst case of insomnia even now. But Romanov, ive never felt happy like i do now. Sure, i have my best friend, and god damn she pulls me away from my cloud of depression, but you, you fight it for me. Fucks sake Romanov, I never liked anyone ever since Tenshi but youre making it so hard for me not to like you because i cant push you away. You actually make me laugh, and youre glueing these pieces of me back again, and i feel shit. I feel like im not giving enough of myself to you because i dont know how. " i realized tears were finally falling down as i broke down in front of Romanov. "Im not a girl you can just get in with and love and accept Romanov. Im a girl with baggage, and im a girl whos still painfully in love with a dead guy. But you make me forget that. You make me feel like its okay to fall in love again. I look at you and wonder how and why you make me feel this way. Youre nothing like Tenshi. Youre the complete opposite. You make me angry, you make me mad, and you are fucking loud Romanov. But fuck i love the fact that youre loud. I like you Romanov, and is that bad? Youre not the sea Romanov. Youre a fucking Tempest, a disturbance of emotions, a storm of feelings, and you leave me heaving and breathless, whisking me away from pain. I dont know how you do it Romanov but fuck this, im tired of being Izarra Hirsh the broken girl. From now on, i promise you, I'll be Ashanna Izarra Hirsch, the girl who never stopped moving forward even when she lost her footing. I dont want to date you now Romanov, not until i feel better and fix myself on my own. But i need you. I need you with me and i admit it, that i have fallen for you. Hurt me now Romanov or join me, because i honestly cant deal with more pain. I will fight for you from myself, and i will be someone you can be proud of. Capiche?" i asked, my eyes sharpening into daggers as i fiercely finished my speech. Romanov had the nerve to crack a smile as he pulled me close and put his forehead on mine. "Capeesh Ashanna. Capeesh."






-3AM