panic attacks

 Fuck me. God. Jesus I was a mess. I could barely swallow down the pain that wanted to be let out vocally, and god I felt so fucked up. My tongue felt so heavy, dry as a cardboard, as I clicked his account name again and again.

And again

“You have not received any new emails from….”

“fuck” I swore, clicking the sent emails next. As I skimmed through them, read each and everyone I sent, smiling fondly at how stupid I sounded in some, I felt the terrible ache again in my chest. It got worse as I slowly reached the last few emails I had sent him. When suddenly, the pain hit me as if I was having a heart surgery without anesthesia. There it was. The last email I had sent. “Please. Talk to me. Say something. Please”

But you were gone by then. I know it now. But back then I didn’t.

Please. I begged in my mind at present, as I shoved the laptop away from me, finding it difficult to breathe. My hands started shaking and my body started becoming numb as fresh waves of agony came in waves over me. Crawling to the floor, I recognized the symptoms this time. Panic, Anxiety, Pain and Depression. These 4 nightmares had come back to me again. Please. I thought, as I covered my ears and curled into a ball. I felt it again. The walls coming to crush me, the video player starting up again in my mind without a pause button. And then the voices started. Crying out, I curled into a tighter ball trying to shove my fists to my ears as I heard their voices. Wills voice. My friends. The teachers. And the funeral speakers. I couldn’t fight any longer as I gave into the video playing inside my mind, every memory of you being shown again. And I remember murmuring the last thing I remember murmuring when in my mind It played the footage where I kneeled upon you funeral picture. Don’t go yet.

I don’t remember anything of that day. I don’t remember the events that took place after. Hannah had found me on the floor, in the same position as some imaginary force made me rock back and forth muttering please every few minutes. Her voice had been shouting my name, and her hands were gripping my shoulders with unimaginable force I learnt later when I saw the bruises. I don’t remember her wrenching my hands away from my ears and pulling my face towards her as she uncurled me forcefully. I don’t remember her crying on the phone as she called the ambulance, my family, and Aiden. Because all I saw were memories of him. The tape played on in my mind as I was rushed to the hospitals with falling blood pressure and sugar, and my heart rate decreasing by the second. All I remembered was at that point I was not there anymore. No I was back in my past.

And then suddenly the memories slowly came to a stop as i came to the last memory of us. I remember seeing it then, the darkness that was surrounding you when you were standing next to the staircase, staring at me so intensely I could not look away. And I remember. The corners of your lips lifting into my favorite crooked smile that was never a full smile, and watched as the darkness then crept towards you. This all was happening while I was there at the other end of the hallway, unable to move, unable to scream, unable to tell you to run away,run away from the darkness, run away to me. And as I watched the darkness fully consume you, I remember you crossing your middle finger over your index, giving me our symbol. I know now what you meant. It meant you promise. It was an unspoken promise we both had given each other to watch over each other. And as I found my legs suddenly fighting the force holding my back, I lunged towards the darkness that rapidly disappeared as well. You were gone by then, but I had that hope, that maybe I could be gone with you. And as I started running fast, I lunged, trying to grab hold of the last bits of the presence that had taken you, remembering how loudly I screamed your name as I tried to grab on.

“NO!” i gasped, wrenching myself awake as I forced my eyes open. I tried to move, tried to run away again, but found myself immobile. I couldn’t move again. “No!” I screamed, as my hands became tangled in all the wires and IV plugged into me, inside me, and the bedsheets that were strangling me. I couldn’t breathe again, the raw pain of watching you gone again ripped through me as the door burst open and people streamed in. But I saw nothing. I didn’t recognize the crying faces nor the nurses that accompanied the 2 doctors as I was held down to the bed like a heavy weight. “No”. I whispered, my strength failing me as I felt a small pinch right in the crook of my elbow, and saw the darkness coming again this time. But it wasn’t that darkness like before. This was the cold, empty, quiet darkness. It did not have the welcoming effect like the one that took you did. But I could fight no longer.Managing to let one tear slip, I succumbed to its arms, feeling empty again. I was nothing.