Loving me

"I want you to understand  that loving me wont have you drunk off of my kisses nor have you experience pure ecstasy within the tips of my fingers. I want you to understand  that the darkest parts of me will leave a trail of stars behind, not the brightest.  Are you okay with that?"

dear mum

You lost your mum today. We all lost our grandmother. But you lost someone who gave birth to you.

You lost someone who loved you first.

I guess it never did hit me until now as im typing this post how much a mother can truly mean. A mother is the first person that loves us like no other, and supports us stronger than any support a professionally trained therapist could ever provide.

in other words mum, youre better than a therapist.

and to hear you breakdown so badly over the phone and be unable to provide any form of support or comfort was a first.

compared to you, emotionally, yes im much colder. yes i dont cry as much as the average young adult may in regards to deaths in the family nor do i get as upset as you.

but thats because i have never truly understood what its like to love each and every person so much so that they have an effect on you even after they pass away

ive told you many times before that to me, my family matters the most out of everything, and you guys matter the most out of anyone in regards to that.

and you always told me one day itll change, and one day ill understand that my own private family is not the only thing that i will end up loving.

in a way

you crying over grandmothers passing made me incredibly emotional too. emotional in such a way that i never knew her the way you did. and im emotional because i cant help but be a little selfish and wonder if i could just steal you for the rest of your life just so i can then spend the rest of my life with my mom... so i dont ever have to stay away from you.

Grandmother made a huge sacrifice having you living so far away from her, and seeing you once every year or so.

and it was a huge sacrifice for you a well to move on from a family you grew up with, to starting a new one and providing more warmth and love than you had ever gotten.

and now, at 20, living away from you and seeing you twice a year has made me realize how much i genuinely miss you

and how much i do genuinely love you.

im probably a hard child for you to raise. i dont have much to say, i dont have a interesting day everyday where i can narrate to you everything i do in life, and nor am i the star of the class in university that could make you so proud of me you wouldnt even need to worry about the future.

im a different child and you know that, and yet you accept it so openly i cant help but let you know right now how much i love you.

i dont say it alot but ill say it now, so if you ever doubt how much i love you because im not a very open person....

i love you more than i love myself mom.

and during these hard times

despite not being there

i want you to know i care

i understand

and despite it all

it makes me love you just as much

if not

harder

and tighter.

missing you as always

as i do everyday

with love,

semanti