loving someone else

It should've been easy getting over him, especially when he wasn't here anymore. But that's what made it harder, that he wasn't here. I hugged my knees tighter to my chest as I rocked back and forth gently. "How do you do it Romanov? How do you get over someone you are in love with? Someone who's no longer worth loving?"

"You can't," Romanov whispered, his voice as gentle as the summer breeze. "not even when you feel like there's no more love to give, there's no more you to share, or when they themselves are not there anymore.No matter how much people say its a mistake, sometimes, its the best yet perhaps the worst mistake people like you commit to for the rest of their lives."

" I can't live my life loving a dead guy Aiden! I can't keep waking up in the morning trying to learn how to smile again when I feel so empty inside. "

Romanov looked at me, and as the stars started reflecting in his eyes I realized his eyes were watering. " You don't have to love him only. You can love again. You can love countless times, and fall in love with countless people, and countless things. He isn't the only one you should guard your heart for Lyubov moya because it won't hurt every time. And I know. I know it sounds easy in theory. You loved some of your life loving this person, so how can you suddenly un-love them? Ashanna, once you feel the way you do for someone, there's no going back. Especially when you love until there's nothing to give anymore. So it's okay. It's okay that you love him Ashanna. But remember that its also okay to love someone else now, because he is no longer here to love in front of you. He is all but a memory and an ident on your soul, allow others too. Give them a chance."

I wasnt sure if i wanted to try. As lovesick and cliche as it sounded, when i was in love my world was brighter, my days were vibrant and all i could remember was every laughing moment.

it would be hard, nearly impossible, but maybe.. maybe it would be okay





-3am 

My thoughts are jumbled inside my head which feels like a trashcan holding crumpled papers of half written ideas and empty promises of goals never to be finished. im running myself down with this constant thinking, this constant feeling of always having to prove myself to the blank faces around me. am i crazy? am i going insane? what is this ? lord what am i doing to myself?

semanti

The funeral

His body was burnt and his ashes were released to the wind as the afternoon sky rippled its gentle wind upon the awaiting people. I was the only one, far off to one side, away from the tears and sadness. I felt nothing. I felt no emotion, just pure numbness, as the monks murmured prayers doth his soul find peace. No one noticed me, standing and clenching my fists, as i could not see anything. I did not see the way the ashes blew away, the way the trees picked up their rustling, and the way everyones tears stopped running. Slowly, like a trickle of flowing water, they left, walking away, away from the site, away from him, leaving me like a scarecrow amongst an empty field. I did not see any of this. Rather i felt it. I felt each footstep 23 people made as they walked away, 10 steps to the right, 15 to the car. His little cousin, god i could just imagine how pretty she mustve looked in the pink dress you bought her on her 5th birthday last year. I knew she wore it. I could hear the rustles of her dress, the very same dress we both argued about for an hour before you finally bought it. Id know it anywhere. And as the sun dipped down i realized i couldnt see because i was crying. Tears were dripping so hard i had lost vision, and relied on my hearing purely. And thats when i felt your presence. Id know you anywhere. The moment id step into the room the environment would get charged, and automatically my body, my eyes, my soul, would be attracted to you the same time youd look up and catch my eye. I felt my eyes getting dry as the wind turned colder and blew a little more, and i felt goosebumps in all the areas you used to hold me. My hands and elbows were always joined with yours, wherever youd go, youd drag me along. I felt the same as i walked to the lone tree, exactly 34 steps northeast, and i felt myself stop. I could see. I could see the beauty of the sun, i could see the beautiful tree, and i could feel the beauty you left me behind. You left me memories. And as i stood there, surrounded now by the warmth of these memories, i made a promise. A promise i have made only once, and no more.

I will learn to love again

But never will i love

The way i loved you

Therefore, your name will be the last word i ever say on my dying lips. Your name shall be the word i will cherish and love and hold and remember no matter what happens.

Your name would be my curse
My blessing
and the last words id say when i close my eyes


Your name


I love you




-3am

Pretty pictures

There once was a girl
who drew such pretty pictures
a flick, a twitch, a slight twist
of brushes made of razors.
cloths of material covered her pictures
for the canvas was within her wrists
such a pretty picture
that would stop right underneath her fists
 she loved doing it so
that she drowned herself with the color red
for as she slowly lost all feeling
she realized within these pictures were her death
and die she did
for she loved these pretty pictures
everyday, every night, within her walls
shed slowly paint away her fixtures
Her family found her slumped against the wall
her paintbrush clenched in her hand
Red surrounding her body
covering her canvas so grand
you see she died thinking maybe
she will go to a better place
somewhere where no one can judge her
for the pictures she drew behind every face
Her story was dark
her canvas so red
her wrists were her heart
that she wanted so dead
she left behind a wall
that would never be looked at again
for pretty pictures like hers always vanish
for pretty girls like her are never sane

Disposable

She spoke of me as if i was a disposable toy, easily replaced, easily forgotten. Reading back, i can see she thought of me as a nuisance, like all toys, they stay where they are discarded, just the way she discarded me alot yet i stayed where she left me. Yet when she remembered me, needed me, shed come back with cooing words and tender smiles, making me believe yet again and again that im loved and cherished and accepted for who i am. But there came a day when she moved on to a shinier, more expensive toy. The toy came in pretense of a future and greater promises, of better company, and better use. So like the basket of discarded toys she had yet thrown me into, without a backwards glance, i was tossed into the mix, buried within the gaps of the toys. They all barely spoke, barely registered as i joined them, for she draped a blanket over all of us, so that she would never remember us again.

But she forgot that unlike all the toys, i was not one to be easily discarded. Just because i came with broken pieces and broken parts did not make me unuseable. So i escaped, i escaped and found myself in the company of other misfit toys , and now im happier than i couldve ever been with her.

So sometimes, in order to understand who to love and who people are, you need to let them hurt you. See how they treat you, and ask yourself if its worth giving your all when they give naught.

Never give yourself up to anyone no matter how much you know or love them

never be a discarded toy

never be trifled with

but youre welcome

to join my island

of misfit toys

we are broken

but we are happy

semanti

loving you

was like loving with all of my tears

for even though you are no longer here

loving you

is what gets me through year by year

loving you

was perhaps the only feeling i cant explain

for its this warmth, so icy cold and sharp

perhaps i am no longer sane

therefore loving you

is loving the dead

for i have to remember youre far gone

and im still here instead



-3am

i didnt realize how truly happy i was for the past few months until today. i wake up with a smile on my face and i fall asleep with a smile on my face. and i cant explain how amazing it is. how amazing it is to beat the darkness, to be away from it. im so blessed

god im so blessed


semanti

He was

He was the moon
He was peace
He was this ethereal beauty
while i was sorrow
i was disaster
He was life
He was salvation