You can tell when two people are best friends because they seem to be having more fun than it makes sense to have in reality. Each laughter, each smile, and each hidden looks they share count for stories they're writing down in their notebooks. And maybe, even though they'll change one day, and no longer support each other through their laughter and tears, they'll know the other Is there. They won't be the type of friends who will let go of everything. No. They know the other is there to talk, no matter how far the distance is.
Maybe that's the beauty of friendships between two best friends
It's constant
It's just there

And it's only for the two of you




-3A.M

GWTI- come back

"please" he whispered, as he breathed into the phone softly. I closed my eyes and flinched at his pain, and gave in. almost. when everything rushed back to me. his betrayal. his voice. the pictures of him holding her hand. kissing her passionately. i remembered every outing i had with him, the way his eyes flashed behind his customized raybans specs, the way hed tenderly hold my cheek when we were alone. all the memories...
He took my silence as another way of me thinking to take him back. i didnt respond. my mind was filled with memories of him. each time we hugged, his arms around me, his smile that he saved for me. i stopped the flow of memories as i heard a clatter of glass bottles in the background and another crushing of a can. "youre drinking" i stated, unsuprised as i heard him stumble to his bed and curse at the bottles in the way. "yes" he replied, groaning as he fumbled around in the background. i bit my lip and cursed the gods of luck. I hated it when he drank. he was angry, he was unforgiving, but later he always cried himself to sleep. i was there before. i knew what he was like. and at this moment, i felt like i was living every memory i had had with him again. "i need you" he rasped, as i heard him settle into his bed, breathing softly. "you say that now eddo. but when the time comes and im not there physically, youre gonna go out and find yourself another fuck buddy or some shit. im tired. im tired of you messaging me, calling me, and asking me for forgiveness. you were the one who demanded trust, yet you were the one who broke the trust between us. what in gods hell makes you think i want to come back to you again?"  "no one knows you like i do" he snapped finally, and i could hear it, the drunken anger, the regret, and i knew he was reaching the stage where hed resort to violent measures. for once, i was glad i wasnt there. even though hed never hit a girl, i was sure he was close enough. "no.. no one knows me like you do. but thats good. atleast now i know its worthless to trust anymore. youre a douchebag. fuck off." i replied vehemently, ending the call at once. i hated it. i hated him. i hated her. i hated how 2 of my bestfriends crushed me like i was nothing. forgot me like i was never there.

maybe thats who i am in the end
just someone
whos never there



curling into a ball i went back into the ocean of demons into my mind, that decided it was time for me to come back in. saying so, the door to the room opened and she came in, holding a box of pizza and a bottle of coke in the other. she took one look at me , set everything down, and sat next to me.

no explanations were needed as i broke down and she sat there taking the weight of it all

i was a broken piece of mess

spread everywhere like paper planes in the wind

and only some

took the chance to catch them
to put me back together.






-3AM

birthday shenanigans, sleeppver, snoring me,katherine

I am officially 19
Holy shit
I'm finally past the stage of being a fresh adult, i downed half a beer without complaining about the bitterness,i flirted with a guy and was gifted with a kiss that wasn't planned, and I even managed to snag myself a gay guy close friend who seems to treat me as a physical bear.
Wew
All good though
And i feel good
Confident even
I slept over for 2 nights at the girlfriends house and snored like a pig and she didn't mind at all
I slept through most of my day today due to being so tired mentally and physically

But honestly I feel refreshed. Like this weekend, my birthday, spending time with people close to me.. this is what I needed to get a clear head
to feel motivated again to study

Let's start off with my birthday

Right at the dot of 12 katherine and Dinh, 2 of my closest friends managed to go out and buy 2 pieces of my favorite cake and we celebrated without candles, though we did blow imaginary candles =D. One of katherines roommates I know also joined us along and we took some Polaroid shots of us in our pajamas with messy hair, sleepy eyes, and our beautiful smiles. I loved it.
And with katherines wardrobe at the back who wouldn't love it?

Then after heading off to bed, I realized I was too excited to sleep. I had work at 7,(yes I went to work) and with dinh snoring lightly beside me, I was too happy to sleep. Katherine surprisingly was awake In her bed above me and so I started talking to her throughout the night .

When morning came, as both dinh and i quietly changed and brushed our teeth I looked over at katherine who was curled up on her bed, her head not resting on the big lumpy pillow. She looked too uncomfortable 

Therefore, smiling lightly I grabbed the blanket I was supposed to use and spread it over her, made her into a burrito, and gently lifted her head and put it into the softer pillow I had. Then grabbing another pillow dinh was using I put it to her side, knowing she'd probably hug it to herself in her sleep. She moves around a lot when she's restless and upset about something. 

Her room has become my place to get away from things 

I don't know why 

But whenever I stay over at her place 

I always seem to feel more refreshed 

Positive even 

Maybe it's the katherine vibes 

And though katherine has been down these past few days due to lack of self confidence and work related issues, I can't help but keep wanting to push her on. Its almost as if our positions are reversed. I'm being the positive one while she's being negative. But surprisingly, i enjoy it

I enjoy feeling like I'm doing something good for once. Not being negative and rather being positive for someone.




Throughout the day, though work was crazy busy, I couldn't help smiling through, though I had to converse with angry customers here and there .my managers all hugged me, the crew all cheered for me and wished me happy birthday, and my parents kept telling me how much they missed me.




I love everyone in my life

And honestly

At this point I feel like

Though things go up and down




I always need to look up

And i am




Heading to my birthday dinner by stealing one of katherines beanies that I kept because she didn't want it anymore (sorry katherine) , i enjoyed the dinner though more than half of it I was busy trying to keep up with conversations of both the boys next to me.

I was physically being touched by both sides

And i don't like hands on my thighs or someone just grabbing a part of me for too long




Again cutting a cake without candles, i headed Back to katherines, feeling too tired to go home and sleep.

I'm telling you her place is like my second home.




And again we both talked.

There's something about just us being together in silence and knowing no one can hear us. Its as if both our walls are completely down and we find comfort in talking our minds.

And doing so, katherine legit fell asleep while talking to me

Her voice fell to a mumble and then a light breathing sigh and she was dead to the world in her realm of sleep

Surprisingly I nodded off straight after







Funny thing is katherine completely forgot I was in her room and woke up to quite a shock when she saw me sprawled out in the most disgraceful manner over the floor, half underneath her bed due to the cold of the night. And her heater was somewhere underneath there .




And when I'm tired, suffering a cold due to melbournes best weather in the world, I snore like a bitch




She didn't care

Morning came

Suprisingly both of us actually smiled a good morning and talked a bit before she invited me to her bed and shared her blankets with me. That girl legit studied bro. While I promptly fell asleep. Waking up a few times and saying a few words. I slept for another 5 hours and snored while she studied. I don't know how she didn't kick me out of her room.




And i feel like... the companionship between us

Has become so comfortable

She talks to me more now

Bout what's bothering her

What she feels like about things




And i feel like perhaps this is what friendships are like

Give it time

Shower it with warmth with love

With difference

With feelings

They grow

And they turn into something beautiful




Spending my birthday with her

And others




I think I feel like the most special person in the world

My sickness has been locked in a jar

I've been smiling

I've been confident

I feel good everywhere




And i do hope

You all do too
















I love you random readers

From wherever you read my blog

To the new readers from France and Portugal and even Phillipines




Welcome to my blog of my thoughts

Where you read how I battle the negativity of my mind

With positive thoughts







And again

Thank you katherine, dinh and everyone







And thank you you random readers







Special shout out to you USA peeps

Who seem to come in to read everyday to see if I update

Sorry i haven't updated

=D

Scars, Demons, and Love

"Arent you ever afraid?" she asked , eyeing my left wrist with something akin to both disgust and disdain. i smiled slightly and looked at my wrist as well, and then back at her and shook my head. "No. there used to be a time when i was ashamed of it. ashamed of what it potrayed to others, and started hiding my wrists under big watches and bracelets that now dont hold the meaning they were bought for" "what made you realize its not worth it to cover up the scars? because theyll never fade away, rather, because of your skin tone, they stand out more. " i lightly traced the ridged scars that had a bumpy feeling, and stroked the inital of his name i had carved into my hand as a reminder, that he was, and will always be my first love. "Because it shows that no matter what i went through, i survived it. Like a soldier winning a war coming home with battle wounds, i won the battle of my mind against depression and loneliness. and im fucking proud of these scars. they show how fucked up i was before and where i am right now. Without these reminders, ill always end up forgetting where i came from and what my past was. and its not something i ever want to forget. No matter what people say about forgetting stuff and moving on, sometimes, some memories are never made to forget. indeed we never forget anything. its just locked away deep in our minds, like a notebook youll never open once its pages are full. thats why i look at these scars. i dont worry about looks anymore. because this is my body, my scars, and my own battle. People wont understand it unless they go through what i did. " i smiled again, and looked at the old lady, and held my wrist in front of her. "this makes you uncomfortable, and i can probably understand why. but this is who i am ma'm. and trust me if the people i hang out with dont accept me for who i am, my flaws, my imperfections, and my everything, then you would probably see more of these scars everywhere in me. but they do. and thats why you see these right now as bad memories. i dont know what your past was and its none of my business, but let me tell you, when youre alone in your mind, it feels like youre drowning. i felt like i couldnt breathe. these scars reminded me i was alive. and im a fighter." Her eyes started tearing up as she grasped both my hands in her tiny ones. "youre so brave" she whispered, choking up on her words. i smiled gently back and removed my hands, shaking my head. "no ma'm. im not brave. im just another girl in this world trying to find herself amongst the lions and sheeps." saying so, i bid her goodbye and walked away, whilst my mind felt like it was thrown back in the past. i remember every pain, every slash at the wrist, every blood drop i lost and cursed it as a relief for the pain inside . i used to be the most fucked up kid until i met people that made me better. changed my mind. changed who i am.
i used to believe i could only fall in love once
but
truth is
im in love with so many people
im in love with my parents for no matter how many misunderstandings we may have, they provide countless support, warm clothes, and a shelter to always come back to.
my brother who is always there looking out for me no matter wherever i am
my friends that seem to accept me for who i am

and finally
i think i do love myself. i love my confidence, i love my smile. i love the fact that i can make friends easily and i love not being afraid of peoples judgements.
sure there are times words affect me
but im strong
stronger than ever
and this journey to loving myself
is turning for the better


i love myself and i love everyone around me


thats why i believe
no one falls in love and stays in love with one person

rather

they love multiple people

and its okay
thats completely okay




3A.M

He's drinking his sorrows away
Waiting for blood to turn to alcohol
He's begging me to stay
And perhaps watch him a little more

He tells me I love you
I quietly store those words
Because as much as I want to say them back
I can't.

He cooks dinner and goes back to sleep
I quietly watch him from my room
He's living a shadow of demons deep
And waiting for his oncoming doom

He opens his laptop and gazes ar the light
That start to illuminate his very soul
As I go out with my friends and come back at night
I watch him shed tears unknown

He asks me what do I want for my birthday
When both of us know he's broke
I choke down the sadness and shake my head
Because he's all I'd ever want in a brother

But i dont know how to help him
When he keeps himself locked away
In a guilded cage of diamond and pearls
He pushes me away

so i ask again countless times
what can i do to help you
he smiles the painful snile everytime
and says theres nothing i can do

i am celebrating my birthday
again without him
though i keep on asking him to come
he denies once again

he is my brother inside out
but as a sister im lost
how do i help someone
whos becoming so cold

i hope my heart explodes...................

Donate even a dollar
Save this poor fellow
http://www.gofundme.com/tuckersleg

street fashion stares

People didn't stop staring as the odd friends walked on through the crowds, stuck in their own bubble of companionship. The Asian one, slightly tall, thin with slender muscled egs, wearing an outfit fit for a celebrity unlike the other. Her companion on the other hand, was completely different. Unlike her fashion following friend, the tanned half indian wore baggy long black jeans that seemed to hang off her large frame, and a over large hoodie with drooping cuff holes. Her hair was a wide array of mess being made into a birds nest by the wind whereas her friend had carefully brushed back hair with the right curled fringes. She looked like a homeless but she didn't act like an homeless. People did a double take when her adidas shoes peeked under her jeans and her expensive diamond studded pierre cardin watch flashed under the sun. No she was far from homeless.
Yet people were confused
They had no reason to be though
Because these two people were the oddest friends in history
And they didn't give a fuck
As they laughed about something and linked arms as they walked along the judgemental stares of shopkeepers and people, the tanned one turned around and flashed smiles at the people she caught staring.

Yeah they definitely didnt care
And it was amazing





-3A.M

You're.

You're my map,my guide
My one true friend I can never find
You push me through from behind
Not that I will ever mind

You're my saviour, my true grace
The one reason for the smile on my face
You're my sin, that steadies my pace
The one reason I live through life's shitty race

You're my support for what's true
Offering words of advice through and through
You're my secret, my hidden treasure
You're the one I compare to, without measure

3A.M

shells of broken pieces

She was but a empty shell
Living without reason
Pulling through every day
With thoughts that seemed to drown her

She was but not a person
For though she barely responded to words
Even to herself she sounded dead
So empty

She was broken
So terribly her pieces were scattered
everywhere, around her
Such so no one seemed to pick them up

She said she needs time
To put herself together again
But watching her now
I don't see how

Because her shoulder droop from the mental assaults of her mind
Her eyes lifeless as they stare ahead
Her once vibrant smile so fake
It makes me cringe

And now she flinches away from hugs
Flinches if anyone comes too close
Looks away from happy couples
And cries inside the whole time

She wanted nothing but love
Adoration, respect,loyalty and the truth
But though she gave more than everything she could
She seemed to receive none

And as i stand at the corner and watch her
Trying to catch her every time she falls
I just can't help but cry along in frustration
As she pushes me away again and again

She has lost the trust of men and friends
Blames herself for not being good enough
When the truth is she is so fucking amazing
I wish .i wish i could be what she is.what she used to be

I don't know what to do
But just be here when you need me
Because right now
You seem to be trying to fix yourself alone

-3A.M

Do you ever feel like
You're trying to hold on to everything
But you don't want to burden people
So you bottle them up every day

Do you ever feel like
You're being weighed down
By your thoughts, your emotions, your feelings
But you don't want people to feel sorry for you

Did you ever sit down and wonder
What this is you're feeling
Because you feel so shit
You can't explain it to anyone

So you sit there by yourself
Even though you try to burst open
Because all you wanna do
Is yell at the world how upset you are

So you drown yourself with thoughts
Your tears trying to take away the pain
But even though the sun is shining outside
You feel like you're burdened by the rain

Let me tell you one thing love
I felt the same way
I still do
But it's okay

Because at times
Life throws you lemons
Squeezes them into your eyes
And leaves you on the ground

And most of the time
It's up to you to get up by yourself
And brush your hands on your knees
And stand up again

Sometimes you'll have someone
Who'll hold your hand and pull you along
And i never had that someone
Until I met you

And even though it's cheesy
And you know I'll never say this
I hope that when you're reading this
You know I'm here

Because I don't go away
No matter how much you push me
And until you hurt me enough
I'll be here to stay

So let me wipe your tears
I'll kindly ruffle your hair
And though you'll move away
Your words will be here with me

I'll silently listen to them all
And not judge without reason
I'll make sure you learn how to smile again
Even through your tears

I love you enough
And I'll say it everyday
Because youre my sister, my friend
And together, we're always to stay

Loners like me

When youre an introvert like me and youve been real lonely for a long time, you start to see no one around you but yourself. But maybe thats why, introverts such as myself end up surrounded by many people that speak of words to stay, yet physically are now where to be found. And so when we finally make friends with someone who understands us, we get real attatched to that person. Because we dont want to let you go. I dont want to physically let you go

Because without you

people like me

we would merely be alive

but not living

-3A.M

Now let me tell you something about one of my only closest friends in life
She thinks that there are too less stories to the windows behind her eyes
So i thought
Why not just write down
A list
A small list
Of the things about her I wish people would know


She is loyal. Frightfully so. Shell never admit it but you know she's there if you need her

She is brave. Smartly so. Shell take steps cautiously and warily like playing chess

She is innocent, in such that innuendos never crack her thick skull and i have to explain them embarrassingly in public

She is a beauty. The diamond ring you'd walk past in the jewelery store but not look at because it's too expensive. Her friendship is priceless

She is protective in her own way. She would never put her foot down in your life, rather follow behind you silently watching you when you need her help. She won't cock block you neither will she hold you back

She's courage. She gives me the push to go ahead and do something. She encourages with words, actions, and then her short blasts of impatience only heard in her voice

She is humour. The one person you can tell even the dirtiest secret to and laugh off bad pasts like a burden being lifted off of your shoulder

She is wise, if only She had a beard I'd call her the female confucius

She is friendship. The one I turn to always in the end no matter how many people stand in the way

She is love. The silent kind where words aren't needed to say so. Just her presence being there every time

She is a breath of fresh air. Rebellious, wild, and totally crazy.

She is katherine. The only girl who happens to be my diary



She is my best friend

mm-3A.M

all of the stars #gwti

"What does the star do" i asked, shaking as i pointed the North star alone in this glory, shining by itself as the other stars glimmered beside it.' if the North star starts to like another fellow star beside it? ' he frowned as he looked at the North star with hooded eyes and then looked at me with an unreadable expression. "I'd tell it it was impossible but the best things come out of the most impossible types of crushes aye?" he murmured, watching me in the darkness. I gulped. Shuddering yet again as I steeled myself for the next question I was going to ask, already guessing his reply. "And what if " i whispered, as i slowly stood in front of him , demanding all his attention. 'What if the stupid idiot star fell in love with something else. Someone else.' he didn't say anything as his eyes yet again twinkled Like my very own sky of lights. 'what if ' I whispered as i tilted my lips closer to him. 'this idiot star fell in love with an even bigger star. A star so big and full of light it's light dims any other star in comparison at night. This star provides the light for everyone silently, glowing like there's no tomorrow. It fell in love with the big bad Moon which hides itself on days and shows itself on others. ' I  choked up, unable to get more words out as the emotion between my heart and mind clogged itself in my throat. I watched as he closed his eyes and processed my words, a smile tugging up on his lips. "I believe the moon is stupid then " he started , laying one single finger on my cheekbone, then pulled me closer with his other hand as he splayed the fingers over my right hip .'I believe the moon is stupid . To hide itself from others yet to only show itself to the north star behind clouds. You know what that means? " he whispered, as he came closer. I could hear everything then. My heart, his breath, our souls mingling with each other. "What?" i whispered, unable to stop the tears that started to overflow ." the moon loves the North star so fucking much it trusts itself with only her."

I couldn't hold back the sob as we pulled onto each other desperately, needing to fill in the space
The empty gnawing I felt in my heart had become numb, so numb that I felt overwhelmed with the amount of emotions I felt. And that's when I felt it again as my chest constricted painfully and my breathing came out in gasps .

I was in love









To be continued


-3A.M

gwti

Her lips tasted of the coffee she had downed a while ago. Bitter, refreshing and addictive. He couldn't help the shock that coursed through him as he Tasted her essence in those lips. He was a Goner. Her lips were the next batch of cigarettes he'd never smoke as he found his new drug.
Sparks weren't flying but when he opened his eyes to look into her, all her bitterness had vanished away.
The longing desire that flushed his being made him realize what he had missed his whole life

And god

He never realized how amazing coffee was
Until her kiss




-3A.M

GWTI kiss

His kiss was a wildfire of emotions, like the calm before a storm. His eyes swam and promised feelings I felt, and the desire coursed through me like thunder in rain. He was love. He was my half.
He was my reason to live







He was perfect



-3A.M

death anniversaries

"Chab chaaan!" - you shouted, grabbing my locker keys and running away. "Woi! Haii mun Klaaabp maa aow!" (give it back right now " "Goft!" i shouted your name as we dodged the masses of students in the hallway, and I was watching your back ,as heads turned towards our direction and i caught grins of amusement being thrown my way ."I'm going to get detention again! " i shouted at him,struggling to catch up with his long legs. He stopped in front of his locker and grinned an evil grin at me. "Let's go Siam paragon (it's a mall) on Saturday " he demanded ,dangling MY locker key in front of my face. "I can't! " i desperately told him, now really hoping the bell rang late today. "I'm going to put this key inside my locker you know. And i didnt bring my locker key with me today " he grinned cheekily, sliding the key halfway into the small air breathing open spot. "No! Okay okay I'll think about it! " i screamed, and jumped towards him. Pushing him to the floor I laughed as i pressed him down with my elbows and grabbed my key out of his hand. He was too shocked to do anything. And when I went to move away the tardy bell rang. Shit. That means the first bell had rung and i didn't know. Turning around I scowled at him and stomped over to the the locker beside him which was open and completely filled with textbooks
 I was late
For the first Time
Grabbing a random text book I turned around to hit Him when I realized how close he was standing to me suddenly

And i was staring into your eyes as they bore upon me like headlights
I was blinded
With your presence
"Khaathot (sorry)" you murmured in thai, leaning one shoulder against your locker. And then you did something I'd never forget


I haven't still


You grabbed your bag with one hand
You tousled my hair playfully reminding me again how short I was compared to you
And let you hands rest on my cheeks for a few seconds
And then you walked away

I remember watching you walk away, and curse your free time clashing with my science class.

And you always had this confident stride to your walk

With one shoulder higher than the other 

Your nike brightly colored skateboard shoes 

You walked out of my life with that smile

RIP Goft Tanawat P.

Life isn't butterflies and rainbows
Yet when you have people
Friends really who support you from the back
Pick you up when you fall
They help you paint your mind with colours
They choose the brightest, sparkliest colours
And pick up their own paint brush

Let them

Because the blackness of the dark colours
Fade away to something beautiful
They contrast against the light
And it creates mountains
Hills
And horizons
Of pain, of loneliness, of tears and happiness
When we mix these two contrasting colours
You get friendships
You get hugs
And you get love

With this love my dear reader, you're the richest person in your life
Because you have something
Most don't have

And damn

You're lucky



I'm lucky




-3A.M

you are beautiful and lovely, in every single way.
for all your scars, flaws, and deflections make me love you everyday. 
so no matter what, live you life like you say,
because my love, you are special in your own little way




-3A.M

different

I don't understand why people judge one another. Whether be it their skin color, their race, their sexual orientation or anything else that may look different from the ordinary.
Because there is this one cold hard truth baby
And listen hard.  

Everyone is different
Including you


-3A.M

the darkness is an abyss that can never be ridden off
yet it comes back
takes over
every thought
every feeling
until youre too far gone
to ever come back to reality

Love

often times we fall for someone who seems to be so perfect, so surreal, and completes your whole sense of accomplishment in finding a partner for the forever. Yet sometimes things dont work out. Sometimes people drift, they slip away, and youre left with the remains of a love that slowly turns into a memory. but what a memory.
everything haunts you
their smile, their eyes, their laugh, and in time we become consumated, seperated from the reality around us and start living in that shadow, in that dream where everything was perfect like before

let me tell you this

love is like a dragon fly

When you catch one, you hold it in your palms tenderly, gently putting a hand over the wings to prevent it from flying. you can feel it buzzing too, as the dragonfly attempts to fly. therefore you bring it even closer to your being and watch it, note every color, every curve, every detail possible on that small body, and then wish it would never leave you. That you would never have to let go of something so beautiful.

But rarely in our lives do we ever get what we wish for and you know you can never hold on to anyone forever, because sometimes, its holding on that actually makes us weak.

so you know what?

slowly open your fingers

and i did

the dragonfly in my hands stood still, as if confused why i was letting it go, when it buzzed loudly and came alive. it flew higher, higher and higher away from me until i could no longer see it.

and even though the sun blinded my eyes, and the wind tousled my hair badly, nothing was equivalent to the warm smile that seemed to be embedded into me.

-3A.M

Nightnares of the dead

I smiled, looking down at my hands as i clutched the science book tightly to my chest. He had left it behind in general science, and I was surprised he hadn't contacted me to get the notes inside them as well .

Raising my hand i started to knock on the door when the door opened itself slightly. The first thing that hit me was the silence. I was confused. Should i enter or not?

Fuck it. I knew his sister anyway and his family is never home.
So i entered.

Then the smell hit me.
the raw metallic tang so heavy in the air I choked and stumbled as i got the bout of dizziness. I came upon the kitchen to see blood
Blood everywhere

Putting the text book down I tip toed further and regretted it instantly.

Something happened
Something bad

I could see the maid. She was still holding the keys in her hand tightly, her mouth formed into a surprised 'O' as her jugular was sliced open. The blood was from her. I was sure of it

Holding back the bile I turned to run into the main living room where he would usually lounge only to stop and see the most horrifying sight

There he was
Held by one of the two men while the other held the gun to his head. My footsteps attracted their attention as all 3 of them turned to look at me

And that's when I saw his parents side by side in the sofa

His father had died with the eyes open

And i could see the fear

"Run sumi!" Goft shouted, struggling to get away as he forced the attackers to look at him instead.
their arms barely budged as the man with the gun started to smile and put the gun against gofts temples.

"Saow thanngaan" he whispered. And shot him
(run little girl)

 "NO!!" i roared and jerked awake clutching  my blankets as i felt everything suffocate me. My clothes were choking me. My hair strangled me.


"Nooo" i screamed and surged forward and struggled out of my confinement and hit the corner of my room, pushing myself against the walls as more memories surged into me."stop" i begged no one as i banged my fists against the walls trying to escape. I couldn't make myself walk out anymore as it was the darkness of my mind killing me. I needed to run. Get out. But my legs froze and would not move. I needed help. But i was home alone. The dead bodies I saw in my lab earlier that day popped into my mind
The smoker with the lungs
The lady with the heart attack
And the young teenage boy who was stabbed

I couldn't do it

I needed to know someone I loved was alive
And that's when I properly opened my eyes and saw the time

And that's when I realized my best friend had left melbourne and was at a flight as i was thinking of her. I couldn't call her

But as if fate decided to show mercy
A message popped up from her

"Reached"


It's as if she knew I'd worry
I didn't have to ask her to message me when she leaves and when she lands

And that single message calmed me down
My erratic heart stopped beating and went down slowly.

It was okay

I was okay
It was a nightmare


This is why I hate falling asleep at nights
I see people

But it's okay

I have light
I will fight this
I have friends behind me


I'm not crazy


-3A.M

Time

I learned through my life that there's nothing constant in this world. We go through seasons, the leaves change colours while the pollen blows by us and with society changing it's leaders, we say goodbye to people. We spend so much time pondering our failures, scrutinizing out mistakes, and waste the time we could've used to rectify them. We're stuck in the past, thinking of what's happened and wishing we could be able to live in that time again. And so we forget. We forget the most important thing of all.

Time

We forget time. Each second leaves and we end up left behind in the past, reliving what's already taken place. We forget that not a day repeats itself, because unlike seasons that come and go, a day will come and go but that certain day will not arrive again. We forget, through our pain, that like happiness, time is a scarce resource. For every minute we use to dwell in the past and refuse to move on, we end up wasting the time that could've been used to make new memories, that could've brought on a smile to our face.

It's not worth it being stuck in the past my friend. Nah. I never realized what I have been missing until it came and forced itself into my life

And every day I smile

I find a reason to smile
Rather than worry about what I could've done
What I should not have done
What I'd like to change

As long as I'm changing myself for now
Time will treat me well


It will treat you well too

Give it time
Give time
Smile

-3A.M