I am strong my god

But lord am i tired

A strippers tale

A Strippers Tale

My heart has been a house
for men to come and go
As they dine and laugh, with easy going smiles
staying the nigh' before tomorrow

My heart has been warmth, a place for comfort
easing anyone suffering with pain
For they come and stay, with their worries and naught
Only leaving before tomorrow comes again

My heart has been an ocean, drowning sorrows
For i offer a good distraction from their minds
my love washes over them like the sea on sand
But they never hesitate to leave me behind

For my heart is bold, fearless and brave
but it breaks apart like brittle bones of the dead
Perhaps this is why my hearts a house
For backs are turned with no words unsaid

I wish my heart was something more
something more than just comfort and free stay
for i wish i could explain to you the yearning
to see someone with me lasting another day

for though the beds are warm at night
theyre bitter and cold in the morn
the sheets are bundled up and tossed carelessly
just like my heart that is now torn

I want to wake up to the sun in my face
with my sides still warm to touch
i want to look to my side and see a face
perhaps maybe im asking too much

for who will find me worth lasting another day
a whole day, a month, the years to come?
i am but a house, offering you shelter
when you come in trying to look for a home

i wish i could be a home for someone
someone to come to every night
for ill close my house down for the world
just so they could be home again tonight

But a home is hard to come by
and i dont know my heart will ever be what youre looking for
But if i ever find you, let me tell you something youll never know
Because for you, i will always be home




-3am

The line '  my heart has been a house, but just for tonight, just for tonight, i want it to be home'

Credits go to my little cousin, Debmalya Bandyopadhyay

goodluck for exams!

Let me tell you guys something . let me tell you one of my biggest fears > the fear of failure. I'm driving myself to the ground with sleepless nights and frantic thoughts that I'm going to bomb my exams because I never manage to 'study enough'. I'm not one of those kids who soak in knowledge like a sponge and vomit it out whenever asked. I belong to those, the people that feel overwhelmed in lectures ,the ones that are afraid to even go to classes anymore for I fall behind. I get lost. I'm not like those students that get on with life by themselves, for youll find me in my house , in my bedroom, having a breakdown over words that simply don't make any sense anymore. And let me tell you . let me tell you this . I'm not afraid to be different . I am not afraid to be the one who can't be as smart as her classmate, because I am still important, I am still alive, for as long as I try. Do not ever, I repeat, ever give up when its shit. Life is perhaps the worst lesson to learn from, but god let me tell you, that times like these are hard. But the moment they pass, I can't explain how joyous it is to be stress free again. How good you feel that yes you just jumped another hurdle. 
Exams are going to be tough life long, but so will life . you never can be who you want to be just as long as you never give up on that hope

Good luck for exams <3

My Lord

Lord there is a monster inside my chest

Always catching me at my worst

For what even is sleep when im dead

because yes

im a mess

for i must confess

i dont know 

my whats and hows

or my whys that are the reason behind my unrest

Here are my hands, can you hear the pounding in my head

for my minds working overtime for ideas that are dead

dead ideas, from a mouth unopened

unsaid 

words and thoughts that go to the grave

ghosts follow with every step i take

for these are pasts, memories too buried to bring back up again

Theres an invisible rope around my neck lord

its a noose tightening every second

the rope burns remind me of memories

stories

that i am but a walking book

with worthless words unread

for unlike stories that shook the heart

i dont feel anything

im not fine my lord

im not okay

I havent moved in a while lord

I have buried myself in a coffin

the rust has settled around the edges

someone hear me scream

for through this dust and sorrow

i want to make it clear

that i am no trophy to be won

for i cant be won

i cant win

so what will i do living

when dying is always what i choose

but i wont lose

just because i cant win

because ill stay alive

until the time is right

But lord the monster in my chest

doesnt like my words

its laughing at my thoughts

that people love me

i know they do

but they dont love me

enough

to get through

this darkness

do you love me lord?

i am my own poison

for these monsters toxic thoughts

fills me with depression, anxiety and mania

for i know i am not fine

and i know it will end up 

with me killing myself

with the hands that grapple my own chest

when im struggling to breathe

for you see lord

i am my own weapon

i hold my own dagger, my own life

but sometimes losing is easier than winning

for my mind, this monster, my lord

is the cause of my disease

i am not fine lord

so wont you come and see?

for i do believe it is finally my time

to let go of my release

-3am

twenty one reasons to be alive |-/

quotes from Twenty one pilots that have me here breathing still

1. Though I'm weak and beaten down,I'll slip away into this sound,The ghost of you is close to me,I'm inside-out, you're underneath.
2. "And I will say that we should take a day to break away from all the pain our brain has made the game is not played alone And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone"
3. "You say I'm not alone, but I am petrified"
4. "I won't fall in love with falling"
5. "And though I've been travelling through the deserts of my mind, I haven't found a drop of water"
6. "No one else is dealing with your demons meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend."
7. "It's time to say goodbye. To the Earth and now my worthless life, 'cause everything I ever made-uh, Is dead now, inside a grave."
8. "I'll pray that one day you see / The only difference between life and dying / Is one is trying, that's all we're called to do"
9. "Won't you go to someone else's dreams? Won't you go to someone else's head? Haven't you taken enough from me? Won't you torture someone else's sleep? "
10. “Fight it, take the pain, ignite it/Tie a noose around your mind/Loose enough to breath fine and tie it” –
11. “I begin to assemble what weapons I can find/Cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind” 
12. “I am not as fine as I seem./Pardon, me for yelling and telling you green gardens/Are not what's growing in my psyche, it's a different me” – Migraine
13. “Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts, no/You are all that I’ve got, no” – Doubt
14. "Are you searching? For purpose? Then write something yeah it might be worthless Then paint something then it might be wordless Pointless curses, Nonsense verses You'll see purpose start to surface No one else is dealing with your demons Meaning maybe defeating them will be the beginning of your meaning friend. -Kitchen Sink"
15. “Hello, I've been traveling in the deserts of my mind/And I haven't found a drop of life” 
16. “Let's take this a second at a time/Let's take this one song, this one rhyme/Together, let's breathe” – Guns For Hands
17. “I'm a pro at imperfections/And I'm best friends with my doubt/And now that my mind's out… I'm thinking, 'Wow/I probably should've stayed inside my house.'”
18. And what we want, we know we can't believe,
    We have all learned to kill our dreams.
19.  I need to know that when I fail you'll still be here,
    'Cause if you stick around I'll sing you pretty sounds
20. I used to say, "I wanna die before I'm old,"
    But because of you I might think twice.

"Before you walk away, there's one more thing I want to say/Our brains are sick but that's okay" – Fake You Out

Mother there's a side to me you don't know Different to the child with the smile in your photo, Made some decisions some wrong some right, now strangers call my number When I'm sleeping at night But they're sinners too And they'll only make me worse. Don't let me go And roll away like a penny down a hole in the road.

I wish i couldve said goodbye. I wish i did. But i didnt know. I didnt know

dear best friend

hey little one, have a seat
for all your mondays have been starting off bleak
i know its not much, but its the least i can do
because your William is too stupid to

I know life has been hard, and there has been no time
to sit and breath to even read my stupid rhymes
but Uni will stay, and work will always be a pain
and it will suck you out until you feel drained

But we will be here, through the thick and thin
worry no more, youre no sin
for what you are, and what youre going through
we understand, and will support you too

I wish i can explain all the words i want to say
For empty words on a page can still lead thoughts astray
after last night i wonder if i came out wrong
perhaps my words werent as strong

I want you to worry less about you and will
for that boy will stick through fucking thick and thin
he told me words such as 'how he couldve met you'
for you gave him a chance when some never even thought to

See i have no right to say anything about you two
but i care enough to let you listen to me too
whats been happening, and the way you to have been going on
slow down and understand, its not wrong

you may not have the time you want to give to him
when your shoulders and eyes are filled up to the brim
youre exhausted with juggling so many different boulders
hes too shy to tell you that he will always provide another shoulder

williams not going through what you are everyday
and hes struggling to tell you words he cant say
because he cant help but understand when words arent exchanged
for he knows youre trying but youre burdened

a length of a relationship should also not dictate a person like you
for its the happiness the relationship provides should matter to you
if you love him, and he loves you
dont let your wandering thoughts make you think if its the right thing to do

you both are dear to me, so i know i cant step over the line
but stress less about a relationship that will go fine
the future can never be expected, fuck we know with experience
so close your eyes and breathe, dont be so tense.

william will never be as romantic as I
so ill tell you some words he once told me a nigh'
to love someone like you was perhaps the best thing to happen to him
at times youre the light when his life is dull and dim

he said he will never understand how he got this girl
whos dedicated, amazing, and full of all worlds
with you he tastes love like no other
fuck i feel cheesy telling you the words of my brother

so if the idiot ever tells you i love you
and it doesnt sound as nice as it used to
club him in the head and remind him youre his girl
because to him, you are his whole fucking world.

because william wont ever say this to you
and because im the sidechick
ill take responsibility
if you want to hit anyone and call one of us stupid

i love you little kiddo

Semanti

distraught

Help end my life
help save my life
im paralysed
now give me the knife
i sing my names to the demons that are toxic
but ill make it
Im the guest
And my sins are worsening
so here's what you'll help me do
Let us count, 1 to 10
And should it be you fail
For end to 10, i shall fade
So set my soul on fire
Have no more plans for me
What have i become?

Im sorry





-1 PM