dear whoever

Dear whoever

Im typing this at 4 in the morning because i dont have the energy to walk out of my bed and switch the lights on. No. I am exhausted. Im tired. Im sleep deprived. But in all honesty, i think im at a point where i just dont care anymore. I got alot of shit from my mom the other day. She put me down with words alot, so much so i broke down finally after years of building up composure and resistance against her mood swings. I broke down as katherine called me after finishing work, and the moment i picked up she sensed something was amiss. I didnt have to say a word for she asked immediately if i was okay. And that was the breaking point. Was i ok? No. And it was so hard asking katherine to drop the call as i hated sounding weak, sounding like i couldnt handle the words thrown at me that are right. So so right. But she did so. But what suprised me was her understanding. I didnt have to tell her everything about what happened because both of us are at a point where we can actually understand and respect each others privacy without knowing everything.  She knew i needed time to myself, so saying, i contacted her an hour later, after gathering my thoughts and putting my walls back up again. She spent talking with me the whole night. We talked about alot of stuff. Instead of agreeing with mom or counteracting her words, rather she told me her opinion. She shared her life stories and experiences. And from there we just talked about places we would like to go , to visit, and perhaps enjoy our time with. And she included me in them. And that night i went to bed crying again. But i was crying of happiness.I feel like the most weakest person but it is the truth. I felt loved. I felt cared for. I got the attention, the understanding, the warmth i always needed from my family. But i dont have a family you know? Not by blood. Theyre there for now but they never bother to understand the demons inside me. Rather theyre selfish with their own demons. No . God i hate myself so much.

Until my tears have dried

And ive bid my goodbyes

I know for a fact

Shes a friend id never find

For though she looks tough

And has eyes so cold

She is the only girl

Who can make me feel bold

Though i know not the future

She saves me from my past

Makes me live my present

And make memories last.

Talking to the stars

i couldnt help it, as i walked out into my backyard, in the freezing winter of Melbourne. It wasnt snowing, but it damn near felt like it shouldve, for the temperature was below 0. It was a stupid impulse decision on my part, for i walked out wearing my sweatpants, socks, and my favorite hoodie thrown over my tshirt. My hair was uncombed and let down, probably knotted horribly if i knew my hair condition correctly. But at that moment i didnt care. I didnt care at all for when i glimpsed the stars at the sky from the windows overhead my room, i felt like i had to be out there.

and so here i was

the grass was dew-filled, probably still wet from the earlier drizzle during the day. i grumbled to myself as i took off my socks and threw it back to my porch door entrance, shivering as i let my feet touch the cold ground. i contemplated going back inside again and dressing more appropriately, but one look at the sky i gave up.

so i sat down , put my hoodie up and laid down on the wet grass, studying the stars ahead of me. i was finding you.

remember when you first passed away i used to cry so much, so much so i wouldnt be able to sleep anymore. therefore id sit in my balcony back in thailand and look at the stars. And i always felt like i was looking at you. There was this one blue star, small when compared to others, but it shined the most whenever i looked at it. and i always thought of it as you. and so thats how i started spending my nights. just looking at the sky, at you. and i always felt safe. i felt comforted even.
i continued this back in indonesia where though the skies were more foggy due to the volcanic smoke, i never gave up on you.

and now as i sit here , eyeing the thousands of stars, i was attracted to you again. i dont even know how i pick you out from the thousands, but my eyes go straight to you, and i get that sense of comfort, the feeling that im being watched from an guardian angel.

"hey" i whispered, looking at you as you shined above me. "i hope youre okay" i paused, and snorted, as suddenly i had the image in my mind where youd roll your eyes at a stupid statement like that. i smiled a bit more as i continued my thoughts, speaking them out to you, wondering if you could hear me. "i have started writing you know. i started writing a few stories, i have planned the drafts out, and i have some in my head as well. and im even including you in it. how cool is that?" i swear i thought you shined a bit more then dulled back down, almost as if responding to my question. maybe it was the waning light of the moon but i didnt stop. " I made some cool friends, and there are even several boys im actually talking to you know. There's David, who i met just this month and so far i find him to be completely sweet and nice. He knows the way i like my coffee, brings me food if im in the library before him, and overall hes smart. thats what i really like about him. He studies and hes actually smart. hes a little geek too. not to mention he loves chocolate just like me. but hes a bit awkward to talk to, maybe because hes so shy, and i still dont know him very well. Then of course i have Chris again. chris is still the same, exactly like 2 years ago. still sarcastic, still awkward yet funny, and recently we both have been more attracted to each other. he asked me out this week to hang out with him but i havent given him an answer yet. i still need to figure out my schedule and see if its worth it ." i paused to take a breath and closed my eyes, i could almost feel you sitting next to me now. " chris has the qualities i wanted in a long time bf you know. hes smart, he comes from a good family, my own family loves him as does his love me, and i can just imagine us together you know. but im afraid . im so afraid Tenshi. " i grabbed tufts of grass underneath me as i tensed in preparation to tell him. "im afraid to date since you have been gone. im afraid to even think about being with other boys because its so hard to deal with someone leaving you alone suddenly. im just afraid of being alone again." i opened my eyes and to my suprise my vision was blurry, quite blurry. and thats when i realized i was crying. i snorted unceremoniously and rubbed my eyes and stared at the blue star again, wondering what youd say. Knowing you for the 2 years we spent, you'd push me from one shoulder to go forwards, telling me to stop being so afraid and to make a step. But thats not easy you know.
"i miss you" i whispered in the wind, as i felt the familiar pain in my chest start up again. it started off slow, then spread everywhere, until it felt like my whole chest was on fire. i realized i was trembling badly as well, but i couldnt move, as i stared at the stars i pretended to be you. and as i tore through the grass with my fingers in desperation to let this burning feeling out of me, i felt like i was engulfed in wind. it wasnt cold. but it wasnt warm either. rather the feeling of being surrounded by air. and as i stared at the grass i remembered the randomly memory, where our class was playing capture the flag and you saved me from the enemy team, and as we held hands running to the other side, i tripped as i couldnt keep up with your long legs. and as i sprawled to the ground clumsily, i remembered the feeling of your hand in front of my vision, urging me to take it and move forwards.

i couldnt help but breakdown again, wondering if the world was against me, if god hated me. i was such a sinful child this was probably Karmas way of hurting me. And as i uncurled my right palm and let the torn grass blades drop to the ground, i swear i felt like i was holding your hand. i felt the presence, though it wasnt warm, the memory of how it felt like holding your hand flashed through me as i stared at my open palms. i felt like you were holding it again, telling me to get up and move forward.

and thats what i did

with the promise i made to you on your funeral whispered in the wind, i started off back to the porch, where the warmth of the house was pouring out outside. my chest felt lighter, my heart was not as heavy, and though my nose was blocked and nasaly, my right hand tingled as if i had held your hands.

and i knew you were still here
with me
watching over me like my own guardian angel




-3A.M              

I Remember

I Remember

You were quiet during the car ride back home. You didn't even say a word as you were curled up on your seat, just sitting there. Looking at you, I could see you there. But then, you weren't there, for, with your hands hidden inside the pockets of your overlarge hoodie, your eyes stared ahead, so blankly, void of any emotion.

I watched you every time a car drove by. I loved how your eyes lit up like headlights, supernovas, and a bright collision of stars. They were fathomless. When the cars drove on, the darkness hid your eyes again, and I knew right there and then that this was my everything.

When i pulled up to your driveway, waiting for the gates to open, I watched how you froze, and I knew what you were thinking. Wondering. It didn't make sense to you, how, after everything that happened, we both were here, at your driveway, in the misty light of the evening.

I wanted to apologize then. I started feeling like such a dick, for the words said, unsaid, and the time you thought it was already time to let go. Because of me. 

You see, you're like quicksand. And this time, I allowed myself to be swallowed up. All the emotions, the pain, the love. I was sinking, but I was sinking with you, in you. I lost myself in you that night, and that's when I realized I didn't want to fall so hard. I couldn't get back out, and I didn't want to. I wanted to be there, here, forever, just with you.

Time went too fast, though. It was dragging on ever since you left me. Ever since we left each other. And then here you were, with me, changing my minutes to seconds, hours to minutes.

I had to let you go. But all I could do was hold on to you. just a little longer, and pray that perhaps we could slow down the time passing us, so I could have this moment with you just a bit more.

Your skin looked golden when you fell asleep beside me, under the light of your overhead windows. Your long dark hair spread out across my pillows, the only color against the whiteness of your sheets, as I ran my hands through the obsidian silk.

I remember when I lay there, watching you like it was my first time seeing you. I remember how you woke up suddenly, your chest racking with incurable coughs as my heart clenched at the noise. I remember watching your eyes look at me, soften with emotion as the stars started to glow even brighter right outside your window. And As I laced my fingers with yours, providing warmth to your oh so cold bones, I remembered every moment when you said it. "I love you," you whispered. "Damn it, I love you so much" I smiled a little as watched you say it. It hurt.

You soon fell asleep from your exhaustion and the medicines. I finally let go of all my walls. And as my hands trailed your cheeks, memorizing every detail, I realized I was the one crying. Everything inside me felt like it was on fire like someone was torturing my insides. I was in pain

"I love you too," I whispered, clenching my fists tightly, for once wishing my heart would stop beating. I meant it.

old friends

I think the weirdest feeling in the world is when you start bonding to an old friend you havent seen for ages, let alone talk. And her name as i affectionately nicknamed her 6 years ago, is Anjai. skinny, tall, with a bubble of a personality, i survived my secondary year of high school with her by my side. sure there were others as well, but recently the more we talk, the closer i feel. I feel like were more open now, its as if, growing up really matured us in a way, yet we still have childish jokes being shared.

as a person i believe i am attention-demanding. perhaps thats why i probably never had friends that stuck around for long because though as passive as i am i need attention.
its almost like how a baby needs milk, as growing up, i didnt get the attention i desired from family, therefore friends were the only choice.

this is my ultimate downfall as well. this demand for attention really breaks everything down for me, possibly even the best of friendships i made. and for some reason, im at a point where im numb

i dont know what to do

and angie.. well. shes amazing

its just .. amazing how two people connect from so far by memories made years ago. i know her life, she knows mine. i trust her openly, she tells me everything.

and maybe i dont always need someone constantly.
thats my biggest downfall
being dependent on someone

because the truth is
ive always been independent
and i will remain this way
refusing help because of my pride
and being a stubborn mule




and to anjai
thanks for coming back in my life






-3am