i couldnt help it, as i walked out into my backyard, in the freezing winter of Melbourne. It wasnt snowing, but it damn near felt like it shouldve, for the temperature was below 0. It was a stupid impulse decision on my part, for i walked out wearing my sweatpants, socks, and my favorite hoodie thrown over my tshirt. My hair was uncombed and let down, probably knotted horribly if i knew my hair condition correctly. But at that moment i didnt care. I didnt care at all for when i glimpsed the stars at the sky from the windows overhead my room, i felt like i had to be out there.
and so here i was
the grass was dew-filled, probably still wet from the earlier drizzle during the day. i grumbled to myself as i took off my socks and threw it back to my porch door entrance, shivering as i let my feet touch the cold ground. i contemplated going back inside again and dressing more appropriately, but one look at the sky i gave up.
so i sat down , put my hoodie up and laid down on the wet grass, studying the stars ahead of me. i was finding you.
remember when you first passed away i used to cry so much, so much so i wouldnt be able to sleep anymore. therefore id sit in my balcony back in thailand and look at the stars. And i always felt like i was looking at you. There was this one blue star, small when compared to others, but it shined the most whenever i looked at it. and i always thought of it as you. and so thats how i started spending my nights. just looking at the sky, at you. and i always felt safe. i felt comforted even.
i continued this back in indonesia where though the skies were more foggy due to the volcanic smoke, i never gave up on you.
and now as i sit here , eyeing the thousands of stars, i was attracted to you again. i dont even know how i pick you out from the thousands, but my eyes go straight to you, and i get that sense of comfort, the feeling that im being watched from an guardian angel.
"hey" i whispered, looking at you as you shined above me. "i hope youre okay" i paused, and snorted, as suddenly i had the image in my mind where youd roll your eyes at a stupid statement like that. i smiled a bit more as i continued my thoughts, speaking them out to you, wondering if you could hear me. "i have started writing you know. i started writing a few stories, i have planned the drafts out, and i have some in my head as well. and im even including you in it. how cool is that?" i swear i thought you shined a bit more then dulled back down, almost as if responding to my question. maybe it was the waning light of the moon but i didnt stop. " I made some cool friends, and there are even several boys im actually talking to you know. There's David, who i met just this month and so far i find him to be completely sweet and nice. He knows the way i like my coffee, brings me food if im in the library before him, and overall hes smart. thats what i really like about him. He studies and hes actually smart. hes a little geek too. not to mention he loves chocolate just like me. but hes a bit awkward to talk to, maybe because hes so shy, and i still dont know him very well. Then of course i have Chris again. chris is still the same, exactly like 2 years ago. still sarcastic, still awkward yet funny, and recently we both have been more attracted to each other. he asked me out this week to hang out with him but i havent given him an answer yet. i still need to figure out my schedule and see if its worth it ." i paused to take a breath and closed my eyes, i could almost feel you sitting next to me now. " chris has the qualities i wanted in a long time bf you know. hes smart, he comes from a good family, my own family loves him as does his love me, and i can just imagine us together you know. but im afraid . im so afraid Tenshi. " i grabbed tufts of grass underneath me as i tensed in preparation to tell him. "im afraid to date since you have been gone. im afraid to even think about being with other boys because its so hard to deal with someone leaving you alone suddenly. im just afraid of being alone again." i opened my eyes and to my suprise my vision was blurry, quite blurry. and thats when i realized i was crying. i snorted unceremoniously and rubbed my eyes and stared at the blue star again, wondering what youd say. Knowing you for the 2 years we spent, you'd push me from one shoulder to go forwards, telling me to stop being so afraid and to make a step. But thats not easy you know.
"i miss you" i whispered in the wind, as i felt the familiar pain in my chest start up again. it started off slow, then spread everywhere, until it felt like my whole chest was on fire. i realized i was trembling badly as well, but i couldnt move, as i stared at the stars i pretended to be you. and as i tore through the grass with my fingers in desperation to let this burning feeling out of me, i felt like i was engulfed in wind. it wasnt cold. but it wasnt warm either. rather the feeling of being surrounded by air. and as i stared at the grass i remembered the randomly memory, where our class was playing capture the flag and you saved me from the enemy team, and as we held hands running to the other side, i tripped as i couldnt keep up with your long legs. and as i sprawled to the ground clumsily, i remembered the feeling of your hand in front of my vision, urging me to take it and move forwards.
i couldnt help but breakdown again, wondering if the world was against me, if god hated me. i was such a sinful child this was probably Karmas way of hurting me. And as i uncurled my right palm and let the torn grass blades drop to the ground, i swear i felt like i was holding your hand. i felt the presence, though it wasnt warm, the memory of how it felt like holding your hand flashed through me as i stared at my open palms. i felt like you were holding it again, telling me to get up and move forward.
and thats what i did
with the promise i made to you on your funeral whispered in the wind, i started off back to the porch, where the warmth of the house was pouring out outside. my chest felt lighter, my heart was not as heavy, and though my nose was blocked and nasaly, my right hand tingled as if i had held your hands.
and i knew you were still here
with me
watching over me like my own guardian angel
-3A.M
and so here i was
the grass was dew-filled, probably still wet from the earlier drizzle during the day. i grumbled to myself as i took off my socks and threw it back to my porch door entrance, shivering as i let my feet touch the cold ground. i contemplated going back inside again and dressing more appropriately, but one look at the sky i gave up.
so i sat down , put my hoodie up and laid down on the wet grass, studying the stars ahead of me. i was finding you.
remember when you first passed away i used to cry so much, so much so i wouldnt be able to sleep anymore. therefore id sit in my balcony back in thailand and look at the stars. And i always felt like i was looking at you. There was this one blue star, small when compared to others, but it shined the most whenever i looked at it. and i always thought of it as you. and so thats how i started spending my nights. just looking at the sky, at you. and i always felt safe. i felt comforted even.
i continued this back in indonesia where though the skies were more foggy due to the volcanic smoke, i never gave up on you.
and now as i sit here , eyeing the thousands of stars, i was attracted to you again. i dont even know how i pick you out from the thousands, but my eyes go straight to you, and i get that sense of comfort, the feeling that im being watched from an guardian angel.
"hey" i whispered, looking at you as you shined above me. "i hope youre okay" i paused, and snorted, as suddenly i had the image in my mind where youd roll your eyes at a stupid statement like that. i smiled a bit more as i continued my thoughts, speaking them out to you, wondering if you could hear me. "i have started writing you know. i started writing a few stories, i have planned the drafts out, and i have some in my head as well. and im even including you in it. how cool is that?" i swear i thought you shined a bit more then dulled back down, almost as if responding to my question. maybe it was the waning light of the moon but i didnt stop. " I made some cool friends, and there are even several boys im actually talking to you know. There's David, who i met just this month and so far i find him to be completely sweet and nice. He knows the way i like my coffee, brings me food if im in the library before him, and overall hes smart. thats what i really like about him. He studies and hes actually smart. hes a little geek too. not to mention he loves chocolate just like me. but hes a bit awkward to talk to, maybe because hes so shy, and i still dont know him very well. Then of course i have Chris again. chris is still the same, exactly like 2 years ago. still sarcastic, still awkward yet funny, and recently we both have been more attracted to each other. he asked me out this week to hang out with him but i havent given him an answer yet. i still need to figure out my schedule and see if its worth it ." i paused to take a breath and closed my eyes, i could almost feel you sitting next to me now. " chris has the qualities i wanted in a long time bf you know. hes smart, he comes from a good family, my own family loves him as does his love me, and i can just imagine us together you know. but im afraid . im so afraid Tenshi. " i grabbed tufts of grass underneath me as i tensed in preparation to tell him. "im afraid to date since you have been gone. im afraid to even think about being with other boys because its so hard to deal with someone leaving you alone suddenly. im just afraid of being alone again." i opened my eyes and to my suprise my vision was blurry, quite blurry. and thats when i realized i was crying. i snorted unceremoniously and rubbed my eyes and stared at the blue star again, wondering what youd say. Knowing you for the 2 years we spent, you'd push me from one shoulder to go forwards, telling me to stop being so afraid and to make a step. But thats not easy you know.
"i miss you" i whispered in the wind, as i felt the familiar pain in my chest start up again. it started off slow, then spread everywhere, until it felt like my whole chest was on fire. i realized i was trembling badly as well, but i couldnt move, as i stared at the stars i pretended to be you. and as i tore through the grass with my fingers in desperation to let this burning feeling out of me, i felt like i was engulfed in wind. it wasnt cold. but it wasnt warm either. rather the feeling of being surrounded by air. and as i stared at the grass i remembered the randomly memory, where our class was playing capture the flag and you saved me from the enemy team, and as we held hands running to the other side, i tripped as i couldnt keep up with your long legs. and as i sprawled to the ground clumsily, i remembered the feeling of your hand in front of my vision, urging me to take it and move forwards.
i couldnt help but breakdown again, wondering if the world was against me, if god hated me. i was such a sinful child this was probably Karmas way of hurting me. And as i uncurled my right palm and let the torn grass blades drop to the ground, i swear i felt like i was holding your hand. i felt the presence, though it wasnt warm, the memory of how it felt like holding your hand flashed through me as i stared at my open palms. i felt like you were holding it again, telling me to get up and move forward.
and thats what i did
with the promise i made to you on your funeral whispered in the wind, i started off back to the porch, where the warmth of the house was pouring out outside. my chest felt lighter, my heart was not as heavy, and though my nose was blocked and nasaly, my right hand tingled as if i had held your hands.
and i knew you were still here
with me
watching over me like my own guardian angel
-3A.M
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