All the reasons

If i could list all the reasons why it's worth loving you
I wonder if id just end up running out of words to say
Words that dont do justice to the way you make me feel
Words that dont get told end of the day

Sometimes when i tell you i love you i want to say more
Maybe i want to tell you i love you for keeping up with my antics
8 in the morning, our bodies curled up against each other
I want to tell you i love you for being with me

Sometimes i want to tell you i love you more than you understand
The way i take your hand and rest it on my heart
Do you realize just the way you make me feel?
Especially how miserable i get the moment we part

I wish youd ask me to tell you the reasons youre worth loving
And id sit down and write down each one
Make you read and understand in that pretty little head
That youre more than just a beautiful face .

Sometimes i want to growl out loud
And hide you from the predators lurking in the shadows
That hit you up and dish out pretty words
And makes me want to hide you in my arms

Then there are days when i say i love you in my sleep
A mumble, a little groan and then the start of my snoring
The way you kiss my hair and run your fingers through
Your whispered mumblings make me smile in my dreams

I hope you understand the ways i love you
The way i stop you in the street to kiss you breathless
I hope you realize how much i love you
Because my love for you is endless.

3am

Lonely nights

I quietly lifted the covers and slipped in, pausing, as the coldness of the sheets hit my bones.

They weren't warm today. 

Settling myself in,  I turned to look towards my left , where your pillow laid untouched and the covers straightened , indicated no one had touched that side in awhile.

It's been a while since we've slept together.

I slowly reached my hand out and stroked the pillow,  the very same pillow your hair would be splayed out upon,  the very same pillow you seemed to drool without fail every morning. 

The pillow was too clean. Too cold.

I trailed my hands downwards, slipping it under the covers.  It was a warm night but I was freezing. I couldn't sleep without the comforting warmth that used to be around me.

Slowly i pulled your pillow to my chest.

A whiff of your scent hit my senses. The deep, musky yet spicy aroma ive yet to smell on anyone.

A deep sigh escaped me. Even when you were gone you managed to calm me down.

Even when you were gone, ghosts of you lingered around the house , lingered in bed.

Especially the feel of your arms that would curl itself around me, or the way you'd tuck your head to my chest. You were larger, marginally so, and with your legs entangling with mine , I'd gotten used to being wrapped up in all of you .

And maybe I missed the little sleepy smile youd give me when I'd tell you i love you.

Or the way your arms would tighten themselves around my waist as you grumbled back incoherent words.

But I didn't realize how painful it was to lie in a bed that wasn't warm or not to be held.

I missed you .

And i wish you were here.

Writing from anther pov besides my own

-3am

Anxiety

you dont understand this anxiety inside me
it throbs and swells every passing moment
it extends its arms and curls its claws around my throat
i am my own opponent

you dont understand the panic that rises
when i wonder whats wrong with me at midnight
i look out the window when the world is all but quiet
and wonder if ill ever see the light

you dont understand this darkness inside of me
i remember i tried telling you a few days ago
you simply asked me what darkness i was referring to
babe, its right behind me, look further

you dont understand the loss this brings
when despair creeps in midday
whilst working, surrounded by smiling people,
i feel more at loss than those at bay

do you understand the pain i feel love
when at times im struggling to breathe and whisper i love you
i love you i do. i want to shout it to the world
but im scared my darkness will make you run too

i struggle with conversations in my life
for in my head the words flow perfectly
i create sentences and words that seem so fluid
until i open my mouth to a void

my words jumble up here and there
maybe its the way i get scared of being heard
being listened to , looked at, or touched with
i bow my head and dont say a word

you see my love this is my anxiety
the one who makes me close me eyes and look away
i simply stay quiet and let you believe
i am everything ... yet not okay

i want to scream to you sometimes
i wish i could get you a glimpse inside my head
jumbled thoughts and pictures and lingering shadows
i wish i could give you all the reasons i wanted to be dead

so im sorry my love if this anxiety gets me on days
when i cant seem to lock it in
dont mind it, ill be okay in another few days
just dont leave me here within

i told you damn it i had baggage
i have a hundred shadows and sorrow
yet you insisted to stay and suffer
lets see what i let you in on tomorrow.

-3am