Anxiety

you dont understand this anxiety inside me
it throbs and swells every passing moment
it extends its arms and curls its claws around my throat
i am my own opponent

you dont understand the panic that rises
when i wonder whats wrong with me at midnight
i look out the window when the world is all but quiet
and wonder if ill ever see the light

you dont understand this darkness inside of me
i remember i tried telling you a few days ago
you simply asked me what darkness i was referring to
babe, its right behind me, look further

you dont understand the loss this brings
when despair creeps in midday
whilst working, surrounded by smiling people,
i feel more at loss than those at bay

do you understand the pain i feel love
when at times im struggling to breathe and whisper i love you
i love you i do. i want to shout it to the world
but im scared my darkness will make you run too

i struggle with conversations in my life
for in my head the words flow perfectly
i create sentences and words that seem so fluid
until i open my mouth to a void

my words jumble up here and there
maybe its the way i get scared of being heard
being listened to , looked at, or touched with
i bow my head and dont say a word

you see my love this is my anxiety
the one who makes me close me eyes and look away
i simply stay quiet and let you believe
i am everything ... yet not okay

i want to scream to you sometimes
i wish i could get you a glimpse inside my head
jumbled thoughts and pictures and lingering shadows
i wish i could give you all the reasons i wanted to be dead

so im sorry my love if this anxiety gets me on days
when i cant seem to lock it in
dont mind it, ill be okay in another few days
just dont leave me here within

i told you damn it i had baggage
i have a hundred shadows and sorrow
yet you insisted to stay and suffer
lets see what i let you in on tomorrow.

-3am

Butterfly

Romanov laughed along as he spun me around in dizzying circles, keeping a tight grip on my waist as i giddily threw my head back in glee. His laughter rang through the song playing softly from his car as he spun me once more and pulled me close, whispering sweet words in the dusk of the evening. "And here we spin, on our own, waiting to be a butterfly. So spread your wings my love, i believe its time for us to finally fly" squinting at the mellow sun i wrenched myself away from Romanov and lifted my arms high, feeling the soft wind flowing through around me as i giggled and ran, finding my wings. I was happy. In a long time, i was finally happy. It was no brainer as i heard his chuckles following my gleeful steps for he would follow me into anything, anywhere, the light or the dark. He was Romanov, he was my own little butterfly.




-3am

Learning to love you

Learning to love you was like learning how to walk again. You were the open arms, waiting to catch me when i fell, and you were the constant voice of support, encouraging me to keep moving forward. Another step, a bit further, a bit closer, towards you. Falling in love with you was a risk i was unwilling to take because i was so afraid of being alone again in the end. But it shouldn't have mattered, because you took up all my spare thoughts, all my memories, and my whole soul. Every spare moment i had i spent it thinking about you, talking about you or talking to you. Soon you became a part of me, almost like we both were living each others lives separately even though we were at different places at a time. i learnt to love the darkness like a friend, and laugh at the sky even when its raining. I learnt to conquer my fears, face my demons, and break down the walls that kept my family out as well. You simply walked in, sat down in front of me, and told me your name. Since that day i knew you were different, and you changed my maybes to yes, my okays to smiles, and my promises to forevers. I learnt that to love you was to understand life wasnt a smooth journey with a few bumpy roads, but rather i had to pull us through the bumpy roads. It wasnt a journey i was going on alone, it was a journey i was going on with you. At times the ride was bumpy where we could no longer hold each others hands, and at times you wouldnt drive without holding onto me. I learnt to voice out my thoughts, fight with you desperately, sometimes wishing you would go away and leave me with the demons again. But you kept coming back, and looked beyond my words and held me tightly, assuring me that the end hadnt come yet. I learnt to trust you with a past i was hiding away from, and you simply took me out of my hiding place and pointed towards the light.

You took the pen from my hands when i was wondering what to write amongst the blank pages of my book. Instead, you told me to curl my hands around yours, and we started writing our stories together. Words became sentences, that formed memories, that now define our life. There are plenty of empty pages still left for us to write on, and maybe thats the greatest joy, knowing theres another adventure to look forward to everyday. Everytime i put a fullstop at night after spending even a few minutes just talking to you, i smile , excited to hear you or see you perhaps again tomorrow.

The pages before us maybe empty my love, but thank you, for writing what i couldnt so far. Thank you for making me learn to love again, for making me open my eyes again, and to love the rain when its pouring.



Forever and always,

-3AM