finding the light

Im going to be honest. Im deathly tired. Im Fucking cranky, and it feels like i can sleep my life away without wanting to wake up and see whats outside my window. The days were going good. My curtains opened up to the sunshine every morning and the sun made me me smile. But ive fallen again, back to the darkness. Its horrible to be back here, closed curtains along with my body submerged under a winter blanket during summer. Im back to hiding against the world again.

I need to find my way out again

SOS HELP



-3am

Butterfly

Romanov laughed along as he spun me around in dizzying circles, keeping a tight grip on my waist as i giddily threw my head back in glee. His laughter rang through the song playing softly from his car as he spun me once more and pulled me close, whispering sweet words in the dusk of the evening. "And here we spin, on our own, waiting to be a butterfly. So spread your wings my love, i believe its time for us to finally fly" squinting at the mellow sun i wrenched myself away from Romanov and lifted my arms high, feeling the soft wind flowing through around me as i giggled and ran, finding my wings. I was happy. In a long time, i was finally happy. It was no brainer as i heard his chuckles following my gleeful steps for he would follow me into anything, anywhere, the light or the dark. He was Romanov, he was my own little butterfly.




-3am

i remember you

Today i saw your face
when he was smiling at me
it was so sudden, so abrubt
there was nothing else i could see

i remember how i stopped smiling
and looked at him like he was the one
because it was him
but i was looking at you

i remember how he stopped smiling
and your face slowly faded away
i remember being unable to breathe
unable to explain how crazy i honestly was

it was so hard to explain to him
why i had suddenly looked at him like he was the only one in the world
because he had given me the most tenderest smile
that i couldnt help but close my eyes on

he wasnt you
and i wasnt thinking about you
but you had to pop in there
out of nowwhere
and remind me again of how i was unable to move on

i remember him asking if i was okay
and i took a shaky breath and said yes of course
he grinned again and shyly looked down at his smoothie
but by then i was too knackered to start another conversation

you see when i saw his hands slowly itch towards mine
resting next to the sugar and salt packets
immediately panicking i grabbed some
to keep my hands busy, to keep it away from him

theyre not your hands
slender and long
that had an iron like grip
like youd never lose me in a crowd

so nervously i finished my smoothie quickly
and thought of lame excuses
and ended the day an hour early
for my mind had gone astray

too much to think off
so much to lose
too little to have said
yet so much to have gone through

i remember everything like a hurricane
and im stuck in the middle
its okay maybe next time
i hope i rememer nothing

Cuddles with Emily

When settling myself to sleep next to you everynight, it was almost routine that you would lower yourself amongst the side of my body and fit yourself within the gap made by my hips and diaphragm. Needless to say, you fit in perfectly, and soon i got used to the way you would drape your arms over me and tangle your legs with mine, as i laid with one arm holding you and one arm around my neck. Then there were days when i would have my fair share of nightmares, where id wake up screaming, struggling to free myself from the dark's clutches. Those days you let me hold you, cage you within my arms as i acted as a barrier, so afraid to lose you. I remember the sweet small kisses youd leave on the surface of my heart as it fluttered with every whisper of breath you blew upon it. I remember shuddering whenever feeling those lips of yours as they would start its treacherous journey amongst my body, as if it was a map you had recently found. You would smile like a cheshire cat and continue along, finding your treasure, sating your inner goddess as you prowled on top of me high and mighty. I felt powerless, for when your long curtain of hair descended on the side of my cheeks and neck, shielding me from the outside world, all i breathed in was you. It was clear as days went along and the summers started dwindling, my time with you was dwindling. But i never got tired of you. Though there were days where your moods changed like a torrent of rain, most of the time, you were the tornado, holding me spellbound in your beauty. You were dangerous, so much so i knew loving you would kill me. But i didnt care. I didnt care for each time those stormy eyes and cheshire cat smile woke me up, i realized this is all i would ever want. Just to wake up beside you, wake up to this, until no more.

I was smitten with you Emilia McAllister. But thank god i was



-3A.M

Free falling

When we love someone so much

And they leave you like autumn shedding its dead leaves

I feel like we all

We all


Free fall from the sky
Without having a safety net below

And its dangerous
Its crazy

We hurt
We lose
We break
But we stand

People like us are expected to die easily

But the problem is

People like us are stronger than them

We are strong


I am strong

I know i am

Aftering everything, letting you go

It hurt more than yesterday when i realized you honestly didnt care. You honestly didnt care about how i was suffering, the pain i was going through, and how i was even struggling to drink a glass of water. I had my brother check all my social media platforms countless times and i waited to hear from you myself as well. And it hurt you know. I dont know where you were or what you were doing but in sad. Im sad i placed you on a pedestal so high i never knew how selfish you are as a person. I never knew how grudegeful you can be to not even text me asking if im alive

But its okay

I have met so many other people who care about me. People i dont meet or talk to everyday have been messaging me to get better and messaging me words of support and love, much more than you have

And i know these people wont stay forever but they make me happy
They make me feel wanted and loved
And after all the praises i sung for you
All i wanted was the attention and love back


I hope you have the best time of your life
I hope you find the greatest of happiness and a boy who will love you the way you love him

Because this is me slowly.
Letting you go




Semanti

Pretty Poison Pills

Shut your mouth, ive got control
so just leave it, well alone
how all of this started, i dont know
mustve triggered you off, from last nights row

im sick and tired of your resolutions
im the one, your real solution

if you could even stand your own reflection
you might catch a glimpse of me in those bloodshot eyes
i know that you can hear me, im your resurrection
listen to me, im not feeding you any lies

this time its between you and me
and ill never set you free

theres nothing you could say
i wont let you compromise today
theres nothing you can do
you know im here to help you

you know ones too much
but tens just not enough

im just here as your problem solver
its me or the revolver
ive seen the gun shaking in your hand
im here to do, the best i can

i could really save your life
and show you its alright to be without strife

just accept me as your friend
you know ill be here till the end
im crystal clear and i can numb you from pain
why are you afraid so if ill help you again?

a hundred times youve been helped off the floor
so come on, just drink me some more

i never lied to you, never let you down
im not the best reason to have you standing on the ground
just think of you and me together
just us both, alone forever

i love you and you said you loved me
and if you didnt, you know ill be there to see

because ill be around, watching what youre gonna be
so drink me, the prettiest posion youve ever seen



-3A.m

Depression

Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation

Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
The next it's the bear
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone
I call the bad days "the Dark Days"
Mom says try lighting candles
But when I see a candle I see the flicker of a flame
Sparks of a memory younger than noon
I am standing beside her open casket
It is the moment that I learn everyone I will ever come to know will someday die
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem
Mom says I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed
I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house inside of my head
Mom says where did anxiety come from
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party
mom I am the party, only I'm a party I don't want to be at
Mom says why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends
Sure I make plans, I make plans I don't want to go to
I make plans because I know I should want to go I know sometimes I would have wanted to go
It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun Mom
You see Mom each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
Mom says try counting sheep
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot
Baptize myself in
Mom says happy is a decision
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
My happy is a high fever that will break
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying
No Mom I am afraid of living
Mom I am lonely
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy
So when I say I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep on the couch watching SportsCenter
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
But my depression always drags me back to my bed
Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat
But I am just a careless tourist here
I will never truly know where I have been
Mom still doesn't understand
Mom, can't you see
That neither can I

sabrina benaim explaining depression

Doctor Doctor

"hey doc, i think im crazy"

My doctor glances at me from the notepad and halts his pen, raising his eyebrows at me.


"i think im crazy doc. I imagine situations that end up far from reality. I get angry alot and i come so close to killing myself. I am very depressed doc, 90 percent of the time, and i dont even know why the 10 percent makes me live"

He put his pen down and leans back, looking at me shrewdly. "whats the 10 percent?"

I smile and look outside the window
"im still trying to know it myself"





-3A.M

theyre overrunning my mind again
all the memories of you


when you hid my locker key in yours and made me beg for it

the way you bent down to tie my shoelaces

the way you smiled

i miss that fucking smile

i miss everything

i cant look at any other boy without having a flashback of you

i cant help but flinch away when any other boy comes too close

theyre not you

they dont have the long fingers you had

they dont have the warm brown eyes you had that never failed to make me smile

they didnt have your body that was as lithe as a cheetah on a hunt

they didnt have the awkward shy air you had around yourself when surrounded by a crowd of people

but most of all

i dont feel anything
its so empty
so numb
and yet


im surviving

and

i dont want to

god im going crazy

whenever i have the shittiest days i think of you. and i cant stop. i cant stop the what ifs.

what if you hadnt died?
what if we never met?

what if.. we were still together?

would you still tug my pony tail and murmur how you like long hair?

would you tap my nose and smile a one sided smile to make me stop thinking about anything completely?

would you still hold my hands whenever we had to choose a partner?

would you still refuse to let me be a goal keeper when we played soccer with others in case i got hurt?

would you still prefer me in a hoodie and come out wearing sweatpants yourself?


i miss you. i miss you everyday. every night i cant fall asleep without thinking of you.
every time the stars are not shining i wonder if youre okay

you told me to move on in my dreams and havent appeared to me since then

i thought i let go

but i havent

i cant find a reason to let go

because with you in my mind

it lessens the loneliness

these memories are slowly fading away

and im terrified

theyre blurry in my head

but it always overrides the one memory

the last memory of you

where you leaned against the stairway waiting for me while i sat on the bench chatting to my friends. and the moment our eyes connected, the spark ignited the fire inside me thats kept me going till now.
and you looked like you saw no one else.

and i heard nothing else but silence

and you smiled
that smile

and you went out my life

as fast as you came in







-3A.M

We're all going through hell, just facing different devils

Over the rainbow there's a glorious sight
It's lighting our dreams and I hope we're alright
We're all the same, even if from another world
We don't belong here anymore