It gets better

"Im sick of you moping around Ashanna! im sick of you pretending that everyone around is either dead or about to die anyway! Because theyre not, not yet, and youre not dead either. As much as you want to Ashanna the memories of Tenshi will never leave you. Why do you keep trying to erase the remnants of his very existence? He wont go away in your mind if he really meant that much to you. Are you telling me that perhaps you are thinking you never really loved him the way you think you did Ash?"

Ashannas eyes widened in fury as she snapped her head up to meet Romanov's equally fierce glare, as she slowly took a step closer towards him, trembling with her emotions. "how dare you" she whispered, slowly coating each worth with contempt. "How dare you doubt my love, when you have no idea yourself? You have no idea what its like losing someone, and waking up everyday with emptiness all around you. How dare you mock my love Romanov?" Ashanna opened her mouth to say more but was prevented when Romanov grabbed her jaws and roughly pulled her head towards him, preventing any voice from escaping through her trembling bones.

"God damn it woman this pain youre experiencing will never leave you the way you want it to. It will throb, it will scar, and it will stay, reminding you of what you went through. We live with this pain Ashanna just like youre going to live with it now. We get help, we love, and then we lose. This is the cycle of pain and to help you get through it, everyone needs atleast someone, to help them through. And for once, i want you to let me in, like you let him. Let me be the one who makes you laugh when everyone is too busy trying to make money to be richer. Let me be the one who wipes your tears even if it was caused by the silly disney movies you watch anyway. Let me in Ashanna. Im no Tenshi but i am always going to be your Romanov."

Romanov loosened his hold on her jaw as he lightly skimmed his fingers over her cheeks, wiping away the tears that had broken loose the moment he had confessed his true intentions. Feeling the powerful electricity now sparked by his words, he crushed her to his chest, feeling her heartbeat pick up like his, as their hearts pumped faster. "Let me in Ashanna, because i can't bear to lose you to this madness. it gets better love. i promise you, it gets better."

The only thing that seperated these two broken souls then were but skin and bones, for their hearts had finally joined together as one.



-3am

When him and i were together, we were sailing on a boat on such smooth waters, so calm that we rocked on through the sea. Maybe this was our downfall as well. When unexpectedly the sea changed its mood and churned its anger to our boat, we both fell overboard, and the sea took him under. I fought back, because i had a lifeline pulling me up. But Tenshi had tried fighting back as well. He was always the fighter. But in the end the sea won. And it became calm again. After fighting the waters and surviving, the calm unnerved me. It pissed me off. And so i tried going under myself. I wanted to drown with all my thoughts and pain but the sea ignored my pleas. It kept my head above water no matter how hard i tried to stop breathing and just drown. Several life boats passed and tried saving me but i swam away, unwilling to be saved. Whilst i was swimming upon the empty ocean i tried to dive so many times to find Tenshis body. But i never did. There were sharks at times, they swam around me, made me feel irreplaceable fear but they never killed me. Maybe they could feel i wasnt going to put up a fight against their strength, their harsh bites, so they swam off to find a better prey. Until Romamov came along in his grand boat, standing on the prow and facing the wind headstrong. I noticed how he churned the waves as he rode through, and when he spotted me he immediately jumped off and swam towards me, trying to get me out. The sea didnt like it. It changed from calm to a storm, and tried pushing Romanov away, but didnt kill him, rather it churned against me, trying to push me away. It didnt work because Romanov himself was a storm. He simply swam through and reached me, grabbing hold of my hand. That was a shock to my system. No one had had physical contact for years after Tenshi's death, and it affected the mood of the sea as well. Therefore the sea for the first time in years listened to my thoughts and became stronger, more violent, agitated. It hit Romanov wave after wave, but he never budged. Giving in, i let him pull me through the violent waters, and started swimming along, because for the first time he made me feel something else rather than despair. He gave me hope, the most dangerous of all feelings. Because hope always leads to something more, something greater, and can lead to expectations unwanted. But i allowed it.

....................


-3am

i want any readers to read this
and take action
all she wants
are christmas cards
and theyre easy to find
so please
send it if possible
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3351386/Severely-burned-girl-5-lost-entire-family-act-arson-wants-cards-Christmas.html

Forever my love

They told me forever my love
that you will be with me
and as i sit here beside this empty bus stop
im struggling to breath

forever, the wind whispered
when i watched your pictures float away
as my hands turned empty and numb
i felt you slip since that day

forever my friends shouted
when they told me to move on
they forced my food, clothes and shoes
not knowing how id rather wear yours

Forever the heart will remember
the priest ended the speech
that all the good always die young
i wish never again id hear him preach

i think of you forever my love
is that even okay
i refuse to think of anyone else
who'd make this crazy mind sane

but what is forever everyone whispers
when nothing ever stays
i laugh and look at the stars
and say its okay, thats where my forever ended up anyway



-3AM

There were alot of factors in her life that was making her a victim of herself. Suicide in a family always ends up affecting more than 1 person, and with stress and peer pressure, she lost herself along the way to live. Meeting her everyday made me realize her fire was snuffed out, gone, and she was a breathing husk of nothing, lost inside her mind of a wonderland of madness.There were times where i glimpsed her fire flickering to life with every laugh and smile she shared along with those around her, but most days she stayed unresponsive to the surrounding, like shes scum of the earth.And thats when i was hit with a hammer of realization, that this girl was also scared of love, because after everything she went through, she had had too much to loose.

She was a scared girl facing the devil himself on her own