coffee shops

And it was okay
It was okay to just sit there with everyone around us, chirping away about their merry lives while we sat in silence. Because that's just how comfortable I was with her. I didn't need to speak words to explain my inner thoughts because she could understand me in ways no one could. She knew I needed that. To simply exist without caring about anything, to simply be there in the company of someone. I didn't need hands, hugs, or kisses. Because sometimes I just needed this. A quiet space of solitude. Because she was the friend where I didn't need to fill in the spaces for random conversations
And that's completely okay


-3A.M

Fake friends

we giggled at an unseen hour
on the phone past midnight
you slowly told me secrets
that i shouldve told you wasnt right

i shared my everything with you
from thoughts to grief to sorrow
expected nothing but the same in return
yet here i am without you 'morrow

we fell apart like dominoes on a lane
except we didnt fall together
slowly you fell the other way
while i drifted back light as a feather

i called you up to ask why
where did i go wrong
what happened to the lyrics we were singing
on our very own song?

you answered me back with blank words
refused to meet me at our spot
it was almost hard for me to finally accept
what we were is naught

yet here i am looking over our pictures
pictures that you long ago threw away
reminiscing all of our favorite memories
nostalgic to our best days

we were like mold and cheese
somehow we went together well
but sometimes the mold needs more cheese to grow on
we just ran out of space to tell

i saw the words you wrote online
and the pictures of your new friend
and the same words you once wrote to me
friends forever till the end

its so ironic when people told me
countless times how heartless you were
yet i brushed away their concerns
for i thought their judgements werent fair

now i think about what they said
and how everything finally makes sense
you were a friend from the beginning
but never till the end

yet though i think of cruel words
and negative emotions towards you
you did make me happy in life
and i hope i did too

i hope youre happy now
and i do hope you make damn good friends
because i have found mine, and god theyre amazing
but now i dont believe there is an end


- dedicated to a special friend who went through a rough friendship and had to slowly let go.




-3A.M

take me home

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkqsqWcdih4&list=RD74aOxH4R5Ow&index=6

balloons

my heart was free
my anger had turned to helium
the helium had turned to power a balloon
that i had long let go off
its just that i wasnt watching it
as it drifted along to the sky
next to the sun
and the suns radiance popped it
erasing all the anger that had gone with the balloon

i had long forgiven him
i just didnt want to believe i did

want

She wanted the world on her hands
Her feet on the ground
Her hands waving in the air
And someone kissing her without a sound

She wanted to hold onto hands
Hold someone tight
Have a shoulder to lean on
And fight about what's wrong and right

She wanted surprises on days
Where everything seemed to be going wrong
Her own little fairytale
With her own special song

She wanted to watch the stars at night
And sleep on the hood of the car
Because even though she'd feel small
Her heart would never feel afar

She wanted to muss up his locks
While he tangled his fingers in her hair
And kiss so feverishly
People would be disgusted at the pair

She wanted to look into his eyes
And trace his nose
Feel his lips
Love overdose

She wants to feel those emotions
she felt once before
For now she's so empty
She just wants more

She misses his cheekbones
So sharp and straight
The eyes that seemed to twinkle
No matter how dark or late

She wanted to sing again in the wind
Loud and strong
Hold his hands again
Dance along

But maybe these are all wants
That can no longer be granted
For the girl has never
Felt so wanted

She misses him so
Like a flower without rain
Yet love is never complete
without a little pain

So she sends her love
Like a prayer in the air
Hoping it will reach him
Way up there

For though the stars don't shine
As much as they did before
The love for him shall never lessen
Just grow forever more





-3A.M

Tree

I feel like im pretending to be a tree
thick and strong
tall and intimidating
but the truth it
im just a twig
because as a tree, though i look strong, any little thing can eat me from the inside, putting me back to who i really am. i start off as a twig, i end up as a twig. 

and i am a mess of feelings.
it doesnt help that most of the time i cant say these thoughts to anyone


and id rather end up killing myself 
because
theres only so long you can stay strong. if its possible to deal with whatevers eating you away, then do it, but if we cant, then were fucked.

and its like
i cant ignore or runaway

yet
if we can find a way to love even the shittiest situations, then i guess
we are free
from our own suffering




-3A.M

a Perfect Daughter

Growing up in a working class family, from young my brother and I were taught to work towards a goal. If we want a good life, study hard, more money? Get a masters degree. Want a bigger home? Study hard.
Basically everything came down to studying
My parents have enough money to have a satisfied life. Both brother and I don't have much needs and wants, and I try my best to support myself ever since I turned 16. But my brother is a different story

Studies are important. Very important.
Both generations of my family consist of doctors, lawyers, accountants, professors and nurses.  So it is no surprise that the same is expected from us

But im no doctor or lawyer material. With my dad as an textile and civil engineer now a board of director and my mom as a former stock broker now housewife, a lot of dreams were placed on us.

My brother for example. The moment he graduated he received a lot of offers,mainly for a bachelor degree of engineering. But he chose a double degree. Bachelor of biotechnology with the bachelor of chemical engineering.

It was an impulse decision on his end, where he wanted to make our parents proud of him.

It didn't work out. Falling into a deep depression by the end of the 1st year, he dropped out on the 3 Rd year of his 5 year course. And boy there was hell.

Then the pressure came down to me.
With a son who couldn't make the family name proud, for sure the daughter could. From young I excelled in everything, from sports to social activities to academics. English was my main forte and i loved writing stories,poetries, or short stories.
It was a hobby almost.

But everything took a turn for worst when I moved to a international school in indonesia which was of a British board, and my life was turned upside down. With my knowledge I had gained from before, I skipped a full grade.i had just finished 7th grade in Thailand, and hey here I was enrolled into 9th.

It was a nighmare.

Everything started going downhill
 My grades dropped from straight A's to C'S and D's. I even failed a math test. I never took physics and biology like this and I never even looked at any math i learned in any other grade

I went into a depression too
At the age of 13, i was a mess.

But slowly, with countless tutors and help from teachers I got back.on track. Finishing my whole high school in 2 years too

I graduated just before 16, and I had gotten offers from several foreign universities already. With the parents choosing the most prestigious one, I was booted off to melbourne at the age of 16 to start of with foundation year, wait till I was 18, and start Biotechnology with a 7000 Australian dollar scholarship. It was fine and dandy.

But at the end of foundation year I got another offer from a less prestigious uni that was offering me on research. Biomedicine.

And at 17. I was confused. Did I want to do engineering in which I was never interested in? Or Biomedicine where I can research stuff? And it interested me. And..still make the parents proud.

I decided to go for biomedicine. It was more of an impulsive last minute decision as i was sick of studying biotechnology subjects. I despised maths and though I managed to get B's in physics I hated it.

But with all this happening
I didn't realize how unhappy I truly was.
Because I chose biomedicine... because of how cool it sounded
How proud the parents would be
And the job prospects looked amazing

But i was forgetting something
My own happiness
Was I happy?
Am I happy?
No

Because I forgot what it felt like to pour my emotions out on a piece of paper with no restrictions. I missed the fact that I couldn't paint characters with the words of my mind and I had to be specific and strict when doing science. All on point.
In other words, science never really was my forte. It was writing. Journalism.arts. Whatever you name it.


And my high school teachers told my parents countless times to send me in a degree of arts that involved a creative mind and imagination. Not to chain me down with knowledge I don't want.
They didn't understand it
I didn't too
But now I do

Here I am, with 2 more years to finish, now in the same position as my brother
Do i drop out or do i finish?

Thing is, I'm so deep into science right now I find it useless to completely throw away everything I learned.
Doesn't mean I don't regret learning it

So now I'm pretending to be a perfect daughter for 2 more years

Good grades, good workplace which respects me, and working for a good future.


Except if you knew me I'm the most unhappiest per on the inside







If you ever have the chance to do something you want
Go for it
Take the fucking chance
And be happy


Or else you'll turn out like me


And you don't want to be me





-3A.M

Me

There are times in life when you sit down and contemplate about your very existence
what are you doing in your life
what do you look like
and what do you look forward to in the future.

And thats when i started thinking about myself. Me.

Im not your typical girl who's hot or gorgeous.I dont have an amazing hourglass figure nor a flat stomach under the shirts i wear. im far from being considered what the average society would say pretty.

I eat food, lots of different types of food. and sometimes i just forget to eat. I have curves and more fat than i should have, but i carry them with me. I have scars in places and a history you will never know unless you gain my trust.

Some people love me for who i am and how i treat them. Whereas some people dislike my very existence .

I have done good deeds in life but i have also committed sins that now are deemed okay for some reason

I love wearing my sweatpants and a hoodie and i never put a speck of makeup on my skin.

im random at times, totally crazy, Yet mostly, im quiet and submissive.

i have two faces, because im too afraid to be myself with others. the loud, obnoxious me is when im surrounded by people im wary off, while the quiet, observant side stays hidden unless im with the right people.

But then in the end

I am who i am, and nothing can change me. No one has the right to bring me down with words that do not affect me physically, and can be erased mentally.

love me or not, it doesnt matter. But if i love you, i love you with my heart. Because if you manage to get my trust, then im willing to give you my whole world and keep you happy.

does that sound cliche? probably
but this is me

and i accept myself.

do you?



-3A.M

eternal sleep

And when you hold the bottle of sleeping pills in your hand
You wonder if it would work
So you take one
The next day you take another one
Then you add another on top when you don't feel the effects fast enough

That's when you know you're fucking with your life line
And its the scariest thing in the world
When you take 3

And wonder whether you'd wake up


And you do


But sometimes


I wish I didn't


They're lethal to mind prone to negativity
And I'll end up killing myself "accidently "


I wish



-3A.M

Giving back

Why is it that we are so hesitant to help others when we clearly know there are people out there that do need our help?
Or animals?

i hate the fact when there are countless people in this world with enough money to have a satisfactory life, but they do not give. they recieve so much, but give back none.

It is also a pet peeve of mine where there are countless animal shelters and adoption shelters where they require volunteers, donations, or even people willing to adopt the poor animals that depend upon us humans to survive.

am i saying that i am a saint myself? no
but it doesnt mean i dont try

Besides helping out in orphanges, donating to the poor, or the homeless, i also donate to animal shelters. im recently trying to find time to get a childrens working certificate and a car license so that i can drive to the shelters i want to work with.

im about to list a few of my favorite shelters i have supported so far

if you dont have time and money, do go to youtube channels. subscribing means attracting more views for the channel and in turn they get to rescue more lives. And you can see them in action, knowing your money you donated is being put to good use

some of my favorite youtube people who rescue others are

• Eldad Hagar--  donate here if you wish or you can just subscribe to his channel --               http://www.hopeforpaws.org/donationrecurring

• VetclinicGambia-- http://www.vetclinicgambia.com/

• Bigcatrescue--- http://bigcatrescue.org/

These 3 are my favorite organizations.

look into your state/city adoption centres too if needed. As an avid animal lover myself, im preparing to go volunteer in Guidedogsvictoria here in my place.

i hope you make a change in the world!

-3A.M

Fly

today im not going to blog for i spent most of the day being positive

and so im going to share this
you want to be birds, fly away, and be free?

hold my hand. you want to fly? Give up that shit thats weighing you down. Together, our minds can control our own universe.



-3A.M

letting go

My surrounding started disappearing in my eyes

Love hatred and lies 

Crashed upon me like tomorrow 

I started drowning in my own sorrow

I staggered upon the weight of pain

All those faces now haggard and stained

Everything started swimming away from me

I grabbed the air having nothing to see

Sinking upon the sodden ground

I screamed a scream but there came no sound 

Sudden realization of being alone

Rejection wormed it's way deeper than it was sown

I wept unshed tears I didn't know

Picked up my broken life from below 

I watched my hands then melt away

I stared at the spot starting to sway

Oh let hell play it's games

Let it unleash it's terror unnamed

I will stand here and take it all

I will stand up no matter how much I fall

I learned to love in this life

I learned to let go

I have been hiding away all my strife

I can't take this anymore 

Someone hand me a pen and a gun

Let me write down my last note

For I won't be here when you see the sun

In hopes you will read what I wrote 

I've lied, hurted, and lost

I've loved, lived, and smiled

I've sacrificed with the highest cost

And died a little inside once a while

I've been through pain unknown

I've spread happiness in places never sown

I tried, i tried so hard to save this girl

So I'll let her story unfold

She was a bright bubbly young chap

Who was rejected in her school

But soon she made these friends

Who made her seem cool

She finally felt accepted

But she got treated as an outcast

In shame she slowly slunk away

And this is just a little of my past

She made friends with other loners

Who were cool in their own way

She belonged again in a group

Everything was going okay

Oh but curse love and it's wretched sting

For my eyes then set upon you

Tall, thin, and awkward all the way

You were a mini me too 

I was attracted to you like a magnet

I didn't understand these feelings 

For whenever I looked at you

You left my head reeling

I changed myself for the better

Hoping you noticed me

But oh curse the luck of gods above

You were taken away from me

Darkness came in clouds so thick

And covered up my eyes

I tried and tried to look ahead

And told I'm okay, oh them lies

I felt like someone scorched me through

Put a knife in my heart

Oh if i could explain it literally

Your death tore me apart

I cried and cried and lamented above

Cursed the gods and their tricks 

For just when you knew me you were gone

In one tiny flick

That day still haunts me

When you were looking at me with a smile

Never realized it would be the last

Where I'd combust every while

I dreamt of you being happy

And you told me to let you go

So here I am holding to the promise

Here's me, letting you go

I promised one last thing before you left

It was something I'd do during my death

No matter how I die in this world

Your name shall be my last breath

So here's me setting you free

Please watch me from above 

I know you're there. I know my guardian angel

Someone I will always love

-3A.M

riddle me day

I touch you the earth, i touch the sky,yet If i touched you once you would die. What am i?

curled up

At times i feel like the world is out there attacking me in someway, making me put up my walls that my friends end up breaking through. i go through the insecurities and isolate myself away, scared of what theyd think if i ended up wording my thoughts, for i honestly would sound psychotic. So i dedicate time to help others, to keep my away from my thoughts, like right now. i do have good friends that are unimaginable to find, and i trust them with my life.
yet when they ask me whats wrong, half the time i dont end up answering it. because its so hard. its so fucking hard to open up your thoughts and troubles and lay them on someone no matter how good, which they can use to judge you.

i think this anxiety ruins everything around me
and ruins everything for me

because i end up pushing the person away
and then i regret
and then i go through the stages of hurt pain and anger
i blame it on the person who let me go


but then again, who would hold onto someone crazy and negative like me?

it seems like .. whenever i climb the ladder to the top, something keeps knocking me off.

like my mom said.. i take one step forward but i end up 3 steps back


i dont know what im doing with my life. i find happiness in the littlest things yet something overlooks those feelings.




im a pathetic jumble of feelings


- 3A.M

sparks and tinders tame the flames

friendships are perhaps the weirdest term to label a group of people that regularly hang out with each other, share a part of their minds, their souls, and their bodies . No not sex. Hugging, having a possessive arm around a shoulder, all these physical attributes in a friendly relationship.
But its very hard to make a friendship work, especially between two people, who are their own characters.

when two friends become closer, they start to open up themselves to each other more, sharing a part of themselves with the other, hoping to understand and be understood in turn. It eases those with the raging souls of anger and loneliness, whilst it fuels the other with a more realistic eye of the cruel world around them.

its a very curious thing indeed.

which is when i realized that the friendship between two best friends, are like fire. Together they both create the most brightest of flames, that burns and flickers through the night, bringing in warmth and comfort to those around them, and protecting themselves from the world. But they need each other to be the fire.

This is where the one friend is the spark of the relationship, who keeps it alive. whilst the other is the one who keeps the fire burning, in other words holds the relationship steady and ongoing, making sure not to flicker out completely no matter what. without the sparks, the fire wouldnt start, yet without the ability to keep it burning, the sparks would never catch on fire.

and i realize this is the relationship i feel like im in right now in perhaps the most closest friend i have made in my whole life.

and it terrifies me.

the fact that i have actually finally depended and gotten rid of some of the burden in my mind on somoene else is a scary thought to someone insecure like me.

but its almost to the fact that i need her in a way.

For shes the one whos adding sparks to my life. she keeps me alive in the mind . she oozes positive energy and radiance and looks at the world so differently compared to me

and i feel like im keeping the fire going between us. for though the major differences, as were 95% opposites of each other, i cant help but just be a loyal friend she could always depend on, and make sure i watch over her too.

she fixes me emotionally. whilst now shes becoming more open socially.

physically i believe were both fucked with our insecurities.

but i think were going to get to a stage where we are happy with everything.

its a long wait

but as long as i have the sparks to keep my life alive, and as long as i hold our friendship steadily with utmost loyalty and honesty.. i think itll work out

and im looking forward to it.




i feel content.



-3.A.M

Dear lord please make me into a bird so I can fly away
Fly far away

starry nights of thoughts

the stars seem to glow to make me smile.

i know all my loved ones are there

and i know youre there

i miss you god damn much

so fucking much

each and every night

i think about you

what wouldve happened to us had you not died

had you still been alive

smiling your crooked smile

your eyes crinkling in the corners

and your long fingers deftly tying my shoelaces together that i purposely left untied.

the way you wouldve held held my hands when running together in the track field

or the way you smiled that small special smile every time i won my badminton championships with the competitor

or the way you wouldve furrowed your eyebrows whenever i fell down and hurt myself

the way i shy away from contact ..i know you looked at me from the corner of your eyes

the way you would steal my things and put them in your locker, making me late to classes

the way you stole my locker key, making me get a fucking detention. i still hate you for that




whats worst is
the last thing i remember

my favorite memory
besides all of the amazing ones
is when i sat in the bleachers in front of the values classroom, with 2 of my other friends. and you were next to the stairway, leaning against the railing looking into the courtyard. and when we both caught each other looking... we looked and looked, without flinching away from our eye contact


and thats when i realized i loved you

i fucking miss your stupid smile
that made me smile no matter what was going on in my mind

and when you smiled that crooked smile, lifting the corner of your lips and just kept on staring at me... i felt like i was the only thing you saw between the other crowds of students


i think i lost my heart since then

and its been empty
so fucking empty


and no one seems to be able to fill that emptiness


so i look at the stars every night because they remind me of you
the way your eyes twinkled in your dark depths.

and how insanely tall you were, hovering over me at a whopping 175 cm that time when i was literally 141 cm.



and thats when i realized
how lonely i have been since youve been gone
i pushed everyone away

because i didnt want to end up broken like i did when you dissapeared from my life


everything feels wrong

the last dream where you told me to let go feels like the only memory i am stubbornly holding on to

because youre the only thing that keeps me sane at nights



i remember how much you hated Galileo though. you hated science. i didnt.


thanks to galileo you idiot. i feel like youre the stars now.

the blue one. that shines whenever im talking .




i think im just a fucking wreck on the insides.

and on nights like today


where everything is crashing onto my very conscience



i want to give up
and meet you again





i will always keep the promise i made G.



Always



Love you. always.



-3A.M

Overprotective Nature

Growing up in a conservative household, it was almost drilled into me to be protective over my possessions, my things. But this protectiveness soon took a turn for the worst for everything that could harm something or someone i love, i would become the worst monster instead of being the protector. i would do anything possible to keep them out of harms way, almost like a possessive overly attatched girlfriend.

and this has ruined a couple of friendships.

its in my nature to be fiercely protective over the things and people i love. i will stand in the harmful others way to make sure the loved one would escape. and i am reluctant to share or give things that are mine and mine only, for i get too attatched to it. Say an article of clothing, or that piece of paper. i get reluctant to throw these away because i feel safe when theyre in my eyesight.

Same with friends and family.
i am only a fair bit protective over my family for they always keep in touch either way.

But when it comes to friends, i trust no one around me when im with them. Cue the reason why i am a firebreathing monster when the opposite gender or someone i dont trust/dislike comes near them.

its almost second nature, an instinct to step in between just in case that friend will be harmed.

its like im your personal body guard you cant get rid off, unless you tell me to go away forever. for i go and never look back.

but people dislike this protectiveness
they dislike the fact that im preventing them from possibly hanging out with others, having fun, or being reckless.

because im just so safe, so cautious and wary, and so fucking wary i make sure to watch over them like a hawk.


and i try
i try so hard to reel in this nature, for as a taurus, not only does this come naturally, but also because of how i grew up in my family

and i feel like its destroying everything around me


and i dont know how to control this feeling of worrying and protecting. i wouldnt be able to stand it if i wasnt able to protect someone i love because i decided to be completely free and not watch over them and let them do whatever they want with no restrictions.


maybe its because im living life with so many restrictions

am i becoming a restriction for them?



- 3A.M

Crystaline vase

Maybe I'm just falling apart like a crystalline vase, crumbling whenever a slight touch of empathy holds me.

I don't deserve it


But i do


And im scared


-3AM

Loneliness

Loneliness is a feeling when you see nothing but yourself out in the middle of the sea, struggling to swim amongst an ocean of sharks.

And thats what knaws the edges of my mind every damn night when i wish all my friends a good night and stay huddled in the corner of my room, trying to keep these sharks at bay.

And sometimes i can feel them coming too close for comfort.
and on these days, i feel like im watching myself from the outside, waiting for me to give in to the depths of my mind.

And i almost do.

I went out to the beach today with 2 of my friends. Watching the ocean splash against the pier i was sitting on, relentlessly, reminded me of how the sharks pursue inside my mind relentlessly. they never give up. the current of the waves lessen and diminish but never do they vanish.
And at times my dear readers, i feel like my thoughts are the ocean themselves, so deep, i can drown within them.


have you ever gone through that feeling? Where youre surrounded by a crowd of people but youre the only one there in your mind. you notice nothing and no one around you, and youre just sitting there trying to shake yourself out of that state of mind.

i want to shine like those pretty lights that twinkle out in the sea, or when we look into the city from far away. i want to glow like the moon on the darkest of nights, ridding the night of its darkness and shrouding everything in its path with warmth.

But lastly, i want to just shine like the star, because theyre never alone. every star we see out at night are surrounded by countless others, shining , twinkling, never alone.

and though the light provided is small, the company they recieve is enough for a lifetime of our company needed.



and im so god damn lonely in my mind i have to pretend everythings okay

its not

its fucking not.




- 3 am musings.

the partner in crime of wild flavours of life

Midnight adventures
When the inner adrenaline filled crazy you comes out to be known to the world. When you want to drive to the most randomest places of the world with the people you see yourself for a lifetime with, or perhaps on your own. Its action filled, serene, and possibly always included in your list of memorable moments. And i love it.

I'm 18, but i dont have a license to drive yet. Been to lazy to go get my learners and then the P's. (aussie slangs are weird sorry) . So anyways, normally to get to places i use public transport like the lazy bum i am. And most of the time it's okay

But it's not okay when you need to spend somewhere late at night and public transport ain't safe anymore. Which is a pity.

So in comes in the friend of my heart. You people call it best friends. I call it a friend of my heart
Same shit mate.
Deal with it.

So anyways, this only friend of mine has a license, she drives so safe you will be frustrated as to why she never breaks the speed limits to live a little, and her song collection is awesome because most of them are supplied by MOI.

So here she jumps into the picture of my sad pathetic life and puts a little sugar into my eyes. Wait that sounds painful

Let me start again

Here i was eating a piece of meat with no salt like the English did when they hadn't discovered salt and spices to make the most succulent meat. (it's funny because I don't eat beef) and then this hearty friend of mine jumps in with a salt shaker and sprinkles salt all over this meat, adding flavour to it . That's exactly what she's doing to my life.

She helps me see the colours and flavors that life can offer.

And dismisses the fact at how dull my knowledge and company be, for at moments when both of us are engrossed in the silence surrounding us, i look at her and can't help but admire and wonder why she bothers to be my only trustworthy companion, and why she even bothers to bring me back to life. Show me everything is beautiful.

I never knew I'd find a friend like that

But enough rambling about this girl friend of mine
I should actually just dedicate my whole blog Web to her
She deserves it


Last night, after watching Big Hero6, with my emotional state of mind being so very unstable after all the deaths and sacrifices I was being put through (spoiler alert), i was in a sad sad mood. But then, after having dinner at the best pizza place in melbourne, things started looking fresh again. :) my friend of my heart, let's name her Lian, which means daughter of the sun, as she shines to brightly. So yeah,Lian decided that since she booked the car we were in for 4 more hours, it was time to go to the beach.
In the middle of the night
And we did
But not just any beach
The Beach where penguins come in from the artic to rest and mate and sleep and fish. Im not even joking this time

And it was bloody cool

We go to zoos and see emperor penguins with the yellow tints in their breasts, and the normal black and white penguin. And they're quite huge

But these reall wild penguins, believe it or not, are legit 12-18 inches long, with the most cutest wild calls you can ever hear.

Penguins are also very loud social animals that I never knew about

Their calls are high pitched and  the sound travels quite far in the distance


And baby penguins are freaking adorable
waddle waddle
Waddle
Waddle



I like penguins now

So after this whole exciting ordeal and experiencing the crisp fresh cool air of the beach during summer nights, I was thankful, so thankful for this friend of mine who was opening my eyes to the world.
Oh yeah I named her Lian over here.
So i was damn thankful for Lian


And while she was walking in front if me, i took a picture of her from the back, hit the lights from the road and the palm trees in the distance, she was probably the most beautiful person you could ever be lucky to be friends with.

Too bad I'm not lebsian.

Here's Lian wearing a winter jacket during the summer coolness, walking away into the darkness while i stared out into the sea

body images

Why is is were expected to be perfect role models amongst youngsters, with slim bodies and perfect hair, and stand straight with shoulders back?
Or is it just all the media portrayals of how people are supposed to look like now days?

I'm not a person with a skinny figure and perfect skin and hair. Its rather the opposite. I've got my fat hugging my figure like a soft blanket, accentuating my breasts, and half the time I'm hunched over when standing, a habit i acquired over time.

But im the most insecure person on this side of the planet.
Probably

But i was on the phone with the only friend i tell everything in my life about. And it hit me when I was about to compliment her on how she looked in her beach bikini, she brought up the comment about how fat she looked before I even finished my sentence. And i stopped. I looked at the video where she ran across the pier to jump into the sea, and to me she looked fine. Amazing really. She had curves, a figure that didn't have her body fat rolling in absurd rolls,and she had that athletic shoulders and legs  of a retired swimmer. Yet what was fat in her eyes?

Is it because her ribs weren't sticking out to be seen with the naked eyes?

Or the fact that next to her petite friend she felt fat

It's such a disgusting word
3 letters can psychologically affect ones mind so much it can traumatize them.
Make them hurt

Yet why do we bother about it?
What is this desire for perfection, when there is no perfect description on how someone should look like?

Why do you care about what others think of you?


Why do i care?


-3 am musings

the awkward friendships

Getting off the phone with the most unexpected friend is perhaps the most heartwarming and heart-wrenching feeling one can experience. especially when it comes to me, on the recieving side of the phone. we all will once come to a point where we meet someone, same sex or not, and become so close, best friends wouldnt be the word to describe that friendship. And thats the friendship i have with the most amazing girl in the world. Words honestly cannot describe when you find yourself in a friendship where both of you can communicate with each other without words, message each other and guess what the other persons' mood is , and offer a shoulder without being asked. And this is what my friendship is.
I am a very negative person in general. And its amusing because this friend of mine is perhaps the most optimistic person you can ever find. She cheers me up whereas i lessen her cheer and make her see the world with a more pessimistic view. It sounds depressing, but its not. I promise.
Which is why its heartwarming.That two opposing character, personalities, and these 2 completely different people are inseparable.

Which is why its heart-wrenching too.

Trust is such a word that people never realize how seriously it has to be taken in context until they themselves are betrayed. I trust no one, including myself. But trusting this friend of mine scares me. I trust her, i do, but i cant help but be wary. Which is why i hate this logical negative side of my mind, where it brings the worst thoughts in ones mind. What if she gets tired of me? What if she finds a better friend than me? What if im too negative ?

All these thoughts show how insecure i am as a person

And it scares me

Scares me alot .


"Walls will end up breaking , no matter how high you have them built. Trust less, observe more. You'll realize who's fake and who's real."


3 am musings.

3 am

There were days when sleeping in was the best remedy I could’ve ever had. But I rarely got that remedy in my hands. Everyday was fixed in some kind of schedule, a schedule that involved several shots of coffee, energy drinks almost as strong as vodka, and tireless ,tireless energy to complete the tasks at hand. The workplace demanded utmost determination and hardwork, along with patience I had not been gifted with. My university demanded complete and utter obedience, to soak up thrown knowledge like a sponge, not knowing my mind was overfilling already by being in the classrooms and lecture theatres itself. At moments like this I wondered how the hell im keeping up with this, keeping up with all the shit that’s been fixed without my knowledge. And I was fucking killing myself. People turn to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, and here I was killing myself to keep myself busy. Because my thoughts were the killers. And I needed these to distract myself from my own thoughts. Everyday was a struggle inbetween keeping my head above the churning waters or swallowing a mouthful of the most painful thoughts one could ever have. And they are holding me in their clutches, refusing to let go. 

and its a struggle to stay alive