There were
days when sleeping in was the best remedy I could’ve ever had. But I rarely got
that remedy in my hands. Everyday was fixed in some kind of schedule, a
schedule that involved several shots of coffee, energy drinks almost as strong
as vodka, and tireless ,tireless energy to complete the tasks at hand. The workplace
demanded utmost determination and hardwork, along with patience I had not been
gifted with. My university demanded complete and utter obedience, to soak up
thrown knowledge like a sponge, not knowing my mind was overfilling already by
being in the classrooms and lecture theatres itself. At moments like this I wondered
how the hell im keeping up with this, keeping up with all the shit that’s been
fixed without my knowledge. And I was fucking killing myself. People turn to
alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, and here I was killing myself to keep myself busy. Because
my thoughts were the killers. And I needed these to distract myself from my own
thoughts. Everyday was a struggle inbetween keeping my head above the churning
waters or swallowing a mouthful of the most painful thoughts one could ever
have. And they are holding me in their clutches, refusing to let go.
and its a struggle to stay alive
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