starry nights of thoughts

the stars seem to glow to make me smile.

i know all my loved ones are there

and i know youre there

i miss you god damn much

so fucking much

each and every night

i think about you

what wouldve happened to us had you not died

had you still been alive

smiling your crooked smile

your eyes crinkling in the corners

and your long fingers deftly tying my shoelaces together that i purposely left untied.

the way you wouldve held held my hands when running together in the track field

or the way you smiled that small special smile every time i won my badminton championships with the competitor

or the way you wouldve furrowed your eyebrows whenever i fell down and hurt myself

the way i shy away from contact ..i know you looked at me from the corner of your eyes

the way you would steal my things and put them in your locker, making me late to classes

the way you stole my locker key, making me get a fucking detention. i still hate you for that




whats worst is
the last thing i remember

my favorite memory
besides all of the amazing ones
is when i sat in the bleachers in front of the values classroom, with 2 of my other friends. and you were next to the stairway, leaning against the railing looking into the courtyard. and when we both caught each other looking... we looked and looked, without flinching away from our eye contact


and thats when i realized i loved you

i fucking miss your stupid smile
that made me smile no matter what was going on in my mind

and when you smiled that crooked smile, lifting the corner of your lips and just kept on staring at me... i felt like i was the only thing you saw between the other crowds of students


i think i lost my heart since then

and its been empty
so fucking empty


and no one seems to be able to fill that emptiness


so i look at the stars every night because they remind me of you
the way your eyes twinkled in your dark depths.

and how insanely tall you were, hovering over me at a whopping 175 cm that time when i was literally 141 cm.



and thats when i realized
how lonely i have been since youve been gone
i pushed everyone away

because i didnt want to end up broken like i did when you dissapeared from my life


everything feels wrong

the last dream where you told me to let go feels like the only memory i am stubbornly holding on to

because youre the only thing that keeps me sane at nights



i remember how much you hated Galileo though. you hated science. i didnt.


thanks to galileo you idiot. i feel like youre the stars now.

the blue one. that shines whenever im talking .




i think im just a fucking wreck on the insides.

and on nights like today


where everything is crashing onto my very conscience



i want to give up
and meet you again





i will always keep the promise i made G.



Always



Love you. always.



-3A.M