a Perfect Daughter

Growing up in a working class family, from young my brother and I were taught to work towards a goal. If we want a good life, study hard, more money? Get a masters degree. Want a bigger home? Study hard.
Basically everything came down to studying
My parents have enough money to have a satisfied life. Both brother and I don't have much needs and wants, and I try my best to support myself ever since I turned 16. But my brother is a different story

Studies are important. Very important.
Both generations of my family consist of doctors, lawyers, accountants, professors and nurses.  So it is no surprise that the same is expected from us

But im no doctor or lawyer material. With my dad as an textile and civil engineer now a board of director and my mom as a former stock broker now housewife, a lot of dreams were placed on us.

My brother for example. The moment he graduated he received a lot of offers,mainly for a bachelor degree of engineering. But he chose a double degree. Bachelor of biotechnology with the bachelor of chemical engineering.

It was an impulse decision on his end, where he wanted to make our parents proud of him.

It didn't work out. Falling into a deep depression by the end of the 1st year, he dropped out on the 3 Rd year of his 5 year course. And boy there was hell.

Then the pressure came down to me.
With a son who couldn't make the family name proud, for sure the daughter could. From young I excelled in everything, from sports to social activities to academics. English was my main forte and i loved writing stories,poetries, or short stories.
It was a hobby almost.

But everything took a turn for worst when I moved to a international school in indonesia which was of a British board, and my life was turned upside down. With my knowledge I had gained from before, I skipped a full grade.i had just finished 7th grade in Thailand, and hey here I was enrolled into 9th.

It was a nighmare.

Everything started going downhill
 My grades dropped from straight A's to C'S and D's. I even failed a math test. I never took physics and biology like this and I never even looked at any math i learned in any other grade

I went into a depression too
At the age of 13, i was a mess.

But slowly, with countless tutors and help from teachers I got back.on track. Finishing my whole high school in 2 years too

I graduated just before 16, and I had gotten offers from several foreign universities already. With the parents choosing the most prestigious one, I was booted off to melbourne at the age of 16 to start of with foundation year, wait till I was 18, and start Biotechnology with a 7000 Australian dollar scholarship. It was fine and dandy.

But at the end of foundation year I got another offer from a less prestigious uni that was offering me on research. Biomedicine.

And at 17. I was confused. Did I want to do engineering in which I was never interested in? Or Biomedicine where I can research stuff? And it interested me. And..still make the parents proud.

I decided to go for biomedicine. It was more of an impulsive last minute decision as i was sick of studying biotechnology subjects. I despised maths and though I managed to get B's in physics I hated it.

But with all this happening
I didn't realize how unhappy I truly was.
Because I chose biomedicine... because of how cool it sounded
How proud the parents would be
And the job prospects looked amazing

But i was forgetting something
My own happiness
Was I happy?
Am I happy?
No

Because I forgot what it felt like to pour my emotions out on a piece of paper with no restrictions. I missed the fact that I couldn't paint characters with the words of my mind and I had to be specific and strict when doing science. All on point.
In other words, science never really was my forte. It was writing. Journalism.arts. Whatever you name it.


And my high school teachers told my parents countless times to send me in a degree of arts that involved a creative mind and imagination. Not to chain me down with knowledge I don't want.
They didn't understand it
I didn't too
But now I do

Here I am, with 2 more years to finish, now in the same position as my brother
Do i drop out or do i finish?

Thing is, I'm so deep into science right now I find it useless to completely throw away everything I learned.
Doesn't mean I don't regret learning it

So now I'm pretending to be a perfect daughter for 2 more years

Good grades, good workplace which respects me, and working for a good future.


Except if you knew me I'm the most unhappiest per on the inside







If you ever have the chance to do something you want
Go for it
Take the fucking chance
And be happy


Or else you'll turn out like me


And you don't want to be me





-3A.M