theyre overrunning my mind again
all the memories of you


when you hid my locker key in yours and made me beg for it

the way you bent down to tie my shoelaces

the way you smiled

i miss that fucking smile

i miss everything

i cant look at any other boy without having a flashback of you

i cant help but flinch away when any other boy comes too close

theyre not you

they dont have the long fingers you had

they dont have the warm brown eyes you had that never failed to make me smile

they didnt have your body that was as lithe as a cheetah on a hunt

they didnt have the awkward shy air you had around yourself when surrounded by a crowd of people

but most of all

i dont feel anything
its so empty
so numb
and yet


im surviving

and

i dont want to

god im going crazy

whenever i have the shittiest days i think of you. and i cant stop. i cant stop the what ifs.

what if you hadnt died?
what if we never met?

what if.. we were still together?

would you still tug my pony tail and murmur how you like long hair?

would you tap my nose and smile a one sided smile to make me stop thinking about anything completely?

would you still hold my hands whenever we had to choose a partner?

would you still refuse to let me be a goal keeper when we played soccer with others in case i got hurt?

would you still prefer me in a hoodie and come out wearing sweatpants yourself?


i miss you. i miss you everyday. every night i cant fall asleep without thinking of you.
every time the stars are not shining i wonder if youre okay

you told me to move on in my dreams and havent appeared to me since then

i thought i let go

but i havent

i cant find a reason to let go

because with you in my mind

it lessens the loneliness

these memories are slowly fading away

and im terrified

theyre blurry in my head

but it always overrides the one memory

the last memory of you

where you leaned against the stairway waiting for me while i sat on the bench chatting to my friends. and the moment our eyes connected, the spark ignited the fire inside me thats kept me going till now.
and you looked like you saw no one else.

and i heard nothing else but silence

and you smiled
that smile

and you went out my life

as fast as you came in







-3A.M