Let me tell you this

Let me tell you this
The easiest way i hate myself
Words unsaid and unheard
let me tell you about myself

Let me tell you my fears
I fear love above all
There is nothing else i shy away from
When people try and make me fall

Let me tell you my dreams
I dream more of the dead while i sleep
I dream of blood, tears and sorrow
Often times i stay awake to weep

Let me tell you my mind dear reader
Sometimes it feels like a noxious fume
Clouding my thoughts in its wake
Until i feel claustrophobic in every room

Let me tell you about my demons now
They are shadows that jump from walls to ceilings
When i least expect it they jump down to attack
Leaving me numb of any feeling

See during these times i call it desolation
for my mind is as still as the ocean
but just like the ocean the waves of memories surge
until i start drowning in my own notions

Let me tell you of happy thoughts
I just need a moment to find them
for they get buried deep within these waters
Just like this fucked up poem

Let me tell you now
How much i honestly hate myself
is that even plausible
when i have the world in my hands?

Why do i hate myself reader?
when i have friends and family in every breath i take
why do i have these thoughts
that now seem to make me fake?

i am honestly trying my reader
to show the world im fucking ecstatic
smiles are shared, laughs are exchanged
but deep inside im fucking dying

sometimes i stumble when im walking
because i cant

i cant do this


at times


i want to give up
so bad


i stay awake thinking of all the posibilities

i wont stay awake

for another sunrise

i wont see the way i make my friends cry in laughter


and these little things
give me hope

to see another day

but sometimes
when these very friends

find someone better than me

someone positive
someone brighter
stronger
someone beautiful
inside and out


i wonder where i will be

and thats when i realize

i dont think im okay


and its so hard
to tell someone


dont worry
im
okay



i am okay




arent i?





-3am

Learning to love you

Learning to love you was like learning how to walk again. You were the open arms, waiting to catch me when i fell, and you were the constant voice of support, encouraging me to keep moving forward. Another step, a bit further, a bit closer, towards you. Falling in love with you was a risk i was unwilling to take because i was so afraid of being alone again in the end. But it shouldn't have mattered, because you took up all my spare thoughts, all my memories, and my whole soul. Every spare moment i had i spent it thinking about you, talking about you or talking to you. Soon you became a part of me, almost like we both were living each others lives separately even though we were at different places at a time. i learnt to love the darkness like a friend, and laugh at the sky even when its raining. I learnt to conquer my fears, face my demons, and break down the walls that kept my family out as well. You simply walked in, sat down in front of me, and told me your name. Since that day i knew you were different, and you changed my maybes to yes, my okays to smiles, and my promises to forevers. I learnt that to love you was to understand life wasnt a smooth journey with a few bumpy roads, but rather i had to pull us through the bumpy roads. It wasnt a journey i was going on alone, it was a journey i was going on with you. At times the ride was bumpy where we could no longer hold each others hands, and at times you wouldnt drive without holding onto me. I learnt to voice out my thoughts, fight with you desperately, sometimes wishing you would go away and leave me with the demons again. But you kept coming back, and looked beyond my words and held me tightly, assuring me that the end hadnt come yet. I learnt to trust you with a past i was hiding away from, and you simply took me out of my hiding place and pointed towards the light.

You took the pen from my hands when i was wondering what to write amongst the blank pages of my book. Instead, you told me to curl my hands around yours, and we started writing our stories together. Words became sentences, that formed memories, that now define our life. There are plenty of empty pages still left for us to write on, and maybe thats the greatest joy, knowing theres another adventure to look forward to everyday. Everytime i put a fullstop at night after spending even a few minutes just talking to you, i smile , excited to hear you or see you perhaps again tomorrow.

The pages before us maybe empty my love, but thank you, for writing what i couldnt so far. Thank you for making me learn to love again, for making me open my eyes again, and to love the rain when its pouring.



Forever and always,

-3AM