Let me tell you this

Let me tell you this
The easiest way i hate myself
Words unsaid and unheard
let me tell you about myself

Let me tell you my fears
I fear love above all
There is nothing else i shy away from
When people try and make me fall

Let me tell you my dreams
I dream more of the dead while i sleep
I dream of blood, tears and sorrow
Often times i stay awake to weep

Let me tell you my mind dear reader
Sometimes it feels like a noxious fume
Clouding my thoughts in its wake
Until i feel claustrophobic in every room

Let me tell you about my demons now
They are shadows that jump from walls to ceilings
When i least expect it they jump down to attack
Leaving me numb of any feeling

See during these times i call it desolation
for my mind is as still as the ocean
but just like the ocean the waves of memories surge
until i start drowning in my own notions

Let me tell you of happy thoughts
I just need a moment to find them
for they get buried deep within these waters
Just like this fucked up poem

Let me tell you now
How much i honestly hate myself
is that even plausible
when i have the world in my hands?

Why do i hate myself reader?
when i have friends and family in every breath i take
why do i have these thoughts
that now seem to make me fake?

i am honestly trying my reader
to show the world im fucking ecstatic
smiles are shared, laughs are exchanged
but deep inside im fucking dying

sometimes i stumble when im walking
because i cant

i cant do this


at times


i want to give up
so bad


i stay awake thinking of all the posibilities

i wont stay awake

for another sunrise

i wont see the way i make my friends cry in laughter


and these little things
give me hope

to see another day

but sometimes
when these very friends

find someone better than me

someone positive
someone brighter
stronger
someone beautiful
inside and out


i wonder where i will be

and thats when i realize

i dont think im okay


and its so hard
to tell someone


dont worry
im
okay



i am okay




arent i?





-3am