dear whoever

Dear whoever

Im typing this at 4 in the morning because i dont have the energy to walk out of my bed and switch the lights on. No. I am exhausted. Im tired. Im sleep deprived. But in all honesty, i think im at a point where i just dont care anymore. I got alot of shit from my mom the other day. She put me down with words alot, so much so i broke down finally after years of building up composure and resistance against her mood swings. I broke down as katherine called me after finishing work, and the moment i picked up she sensed something was amiss. I didnt have to say a word for she asked immediately if i was okay. And that was the breaking point. Was i ok? No. And it was so hard asking katherine to drop the call as i hated sounding weak, sounding like i couldnt handle the words thrown at me that are right. So so right. But she did so. But what suprised me was her understanding. I didnt have to tell her everything about what happened because both of us are at a point where we can actually understand and respect each others privacy without knowing everything.  She knew i needed time to myself, so saying, i contacted her an hour later, after gathering my thoughts and putting my walls back up again. She spent talking with me the whole night. We talked about alot of stuff. Instead of agreeing with mom or counteracting her words, rather she told me her opinion. She shared her life stories and experiences. And from there we just talked about places we would like to go , to visit, and perhaps enjoy our time with. And she included me in them. And that night i went to bed crying again. But i was crying of happiness.I feel like the most weakest person but it is the truth. I felt loved. I felt cared for. I got the attention, the understanding, the warmth i always needed from my family. But i dont have a family you know? Not by blood. Theyre there for now but they never bother to understand the demons inside me. Rather theyre selfish with their own demons. No . God i hate myself so much.

Until my tears have dried

And ive bid my goodbyes

I know for a fact

Shes a friend id never find

For though she looks tough

And has eyes so cold

She is the only girl

Who can make me feel bold

Though i know not the future

She saves me from my past

Makes me live my present

And make memories last.