My Lord

Lord there is a monster inside my chest

Always catching me at my worst

For what even is sleep when im dead

because yes

im a mess

for i must confess

i dont know 

my whats and hows

or my whys that are the reason behind my unrest

Here are my hands, can you hear the pounding in my head

for my minds working overtime for ideas that are dead

dead ideas, from a mouth unopened

unsaid 

words and thoughts that go to the grave

ghosts follow with every step i take

for these are pasts, memories too buried to bring back up again

Theres an invisible rope around my neck lord

its a noose tightening every second

the rope burns remind me of memories

stories

that i am but a walking book

with worthless words unread

for unlike stories that shook the heart

i dont feel anything

im not fine my lord

im not okay

I havent moved in a while lord

I have buried myself in a coffin

the rust has settled around the edges

someone hear me scream

for through this dust and sorrow

i want to make it clear

that i am no trophy to be won

for i cant be won

i cant win

so what will i do living

when dying is always what i choose

but i wont lose

just because i cant win

because ill stay alive

until the time is right

But lord the monster in my chest

doesnt like my words

its laughing at my thoughts

that people love me

i know they do

but they dont love me

enough

to get through

this darkness

do you love me lord?

i am my own poison

for these monsters toxic thoughts

fills me with depression, anxiety and mania

for i know i am not fine

and i know it will end up 

with me killing myself

with the hands that grapple my own chest

when im struggling to breathe

for you see lord

i am my own weapon

i hold my own dagger, my own life

but sometimes losing is easier than winning

for my mind, this monster, my lord

is the cause of my disease

i am not fine lord

so wont you come and see?

for i do believe it is finally my time

to let go of my release

-3am