"Arent you ever afraid?" she asked , eyeing my left wrist with something akin to both disgust and disdain. i smiled slightly and looked at my wrist as well, and then back at her and shook my head. "No. there used to be a time when i was ashamed of it. ashamed of what it potrayed to others, and started hiding my wrists under big watches and bracelets that now dont hold the meaning they were bought for" "what made you realize its not worth it to cover up the scars? because theyll never fade away, rather, because of your skin tone, they stand out more. " i lightly traced the ridged scars that had a bumpy feeling, and stroked the inital of his name i had carved into my hand as a reminder, that he was, and will always be my first love. "Because it shows that no matter what i went through, i survived it. Like a soldier winning a war coming home with battle wounds, i won the battle of my mind against depression and loneliness. and im fucking proud of these scars. they show how fucked up i was before and where i am right now. Without these reminders, ill always end up forgetting where i came from and what my past was. and its not something i ever want to forget. No matter what people say about forgetting stuff and moving on, sometimes, some memories are never made to forget. indeed we never forget anything. its just locked away deep in our minds, like a notebook youll never open once its pages are full. thats why i look at these scars. i dont worry about looks anymore. because this is my body, my scars, and my own battle. People wont understand it unless they go through what i did. " i smiled again, and looked at the old lady, and held my wrist in front of her. "this makes you uncomfortable, and i can probably understand why. but this is who i am ma'm. and trust me if the people i hang out with dont accept me for who i am, my flaws, my imperfections, and my everything, then you would probably see more of these scars everywhere in me. but they do. and thats why you see these right now as bad memories. i dont know what your past was and its none of my business, but let me tell you, when youre alone in your mind, it feels like youre drowning. i felt like i couldnt breathe. these scars reminded me i was alive. and im a fighter." Her eyes started tearing up as she grasped both my hands in her tiny ones. "youre so brave" she whispered, choking up on her words. i smiled gently back and removed my hands, shaking my head. "no ma'm. im not brave. im just another girl in this world trying to find herself amongst the lions and sheeps." saying so, i bid her goodbye and walked away, whilst my mind felt like it was thrown back in the past. i remember every pain, every slash at the wrist, every blood drop i lost and cursed it as a relief for the pain inside . i used to be the most fucked up kid until i met people that made me better. changed my mind. changed who i am.
i used to believe i could only fall in love once
but
truth is
im in love with so many people
im in love with my parents for no matter how many misunderstandings we may have, they provide countless support, warm clothes, and a shelter to always come back to.
my brother who is always there looking out for me no matter wherever i am
my friends that seem to accept me for who i am
and finally
i think i do love myself. i love my confidence, i love my smile. i love the fact that i can make friends easily and i love not being afraid of peoples judgements.
sure there are times words affect me
but im strong
stronger than ever
and this journey to loving myself
is turning for the better
i love myself and i love everyone around me
thats why i believe
no one falls in love and stays in love with one person
rather
they love multiple people
and its okay
thats completely okay
3A.M
No comments:
Post a Comment