Learning to Love Romanov

"Loving Tenshi was like feeling the gentle caress of the wind. He was the calm of the sea, the small uplifting waves that helped ships onshore, not destroy them. We were attracted to one another like magnets, for the moment we saw each other, unconsciously, our body language would mimic the other and we would be pulled closer, almost like there was a hook attached to us. He was always quiet as well, and whenever we talked the whole world around us never existed for it was just us two. Between us, we never fought, rather talked it out and fixed everything at the spot. We also spent so much time together he indefinitely became a part of me for the next 3 years. So when he was taken away so suddenly by death , that also a brutal murder, it felt like the whole axis of my world had shifted. I couldnt breathe, and it felt like something was ripped out of me. My legs were not mine, my hands were not gripping, and i couldnt move out of the safety of my bed. My blankets became my wall between the harsh reality of the world and i tumbled into depression. I fell into a dark void of loneliness, pain, anger, and self-hatred. His death had nothing to do with me, but i was torturing myself with 'what-ifs' . What if i went with them, would i be able to do something? What if i didnt allow him to go, would it be worth it if he lived but his family died? I was turning both bitter and selfish, and soon it became for the worse. " i paused and shakingly took a breath and looked at Romanov. "You know you can still run if you want to because the story is about to be darker" Romanov shook his head and motioned for me to continue, not meeting my eyes. I drew in another breath and started. "i fell into depression. i fell into this deep dark hole where no sunlight would pierce through the waters. i was in an ocean of darkness, and i was swimming meaninglessly, with no sense of direction. its only been 2 years but it feels like a lifetime because everythings changed. I changed myself, I was no longer interested in relationships, I was no longer interested in even thinking about someone else because I was trying to find myself again. Hell i tried to kill myself Romanov, because this pain got so bad. Overdosing on sleeping pills was perhaps the worst and best decisions ive ever made in my life because i woke up 4 days later with a sore stomach and a cloud of shame now surrounding me with the darkness. I havent touched sleeping pills since then, even though i have the worst case of insomnia even now. But Romanov, ive never felt happy like i do now. Sure, i have my best friend, and god damn she pulls me away from my cloud of depression, but you, you fight it for me. Fucks sake Romanov, I never liked anyone ever since Tenshi but youre making it so hard for me not to like you because i cant push you away. You actually make me laugh, and youre glueing these pieces of me back again, and i feel shit. I feel like im not giving enough of myself to you because i dont know how. " i realized tears were finally falling down as i broke down in front of Romanov. "Im not a girl you can just get in with and love and accept Romanov. Im a girl with baggage, and im a girl whos still painfully in love with a dead guy. But you make me forget that. You make me feel like its okay to fall in love again. I look at you and wonder how and why you make me feel this way. Youre nothing like Tenshi. Youre the complete opposite. You make me angry, you make me mad, and you are fucking loud Romanov. But fuck i love the fact that youre loud. I like you Romanov, and is that bad? Youre not the sea Romanov. Youre a fucking Tempest, a disturbance of emotions, a storm of feelings, and you leave me heaving and breathless, whisking me away from pain. I dont know how you do it Romanov but fuck this, im tired of being Izarra Hirsh the broken girl. From now on, i promise you, I'll be Ashanna Izarra Hirsch, the girl who never stopped moving forward even when she lost her footing. I dont want to date you now Romanov, not until i feel better and fix myself on my own. But i need you. I need you with me and i admit it, that i have fallen for you. Hurt me now Romanov or join me, because i honestly cant deal with more pain. I will fight for you from myself, and i will be someone you can be proud of. Capiche?" i asked, my eyes sharpening into daggers as i fiercely finished my speech. Romanov had the nerve to crack a smile as he pulled me close and put his forehead on mine. "Capeesh Ashanna. Capeesh."






-3AM