Aggression

I am a very temperamental person. Its no suprise really as i cant keep my emotions inside when I'm pissed about something. I outright burst out and act with physical intentions more than emotional. Maybe it's because my childhood mainly consisted of rough-housing and wrestling with boys and outright punching the other when annoyed.
Whatever it is I realize what a huge disadvantage I am in because I can't control my anger

I want to physically hurt someone
Until I feel like they've hurt enough equal to the anger within me
Maybe it's ruthless and cold and cruel
Whatever it is, I am afraid of myself


Today I had a long shift at work, filled with rush hours and lazy crew members, it was far from enjoyable. Already angry from then, I almost lost it when a customer kept on asking about the same order she had ordered, and kept on asking for more descriptions. There's a limit, and after working 10 hours straight with no sleep, I'm no patient man. I felt myself shaking and i kept clenching unclenching my fists to prevent myself from hitting something..someone. My voice was actually shaking from the strain of keeping it polite yet sharp.
 The only reason I didn't snap was mainly for my crew. And Katherine. Very few are able to outright calm me down and she was one of them. But at that moment, I had to get away. I didn't want to lose control in front of her

So i walked to the back
And when I leaned against the manager table struggling to breathe properly I noticed how badly I was trembling

I was addicted to my anger

It's like a person addicted to smoking. I truly feel alive when the adrenaline rushes through me and I feel powerful

Invincible

It's a poison I can't live without and God that's why I never make friends for long enough

There's something truly wrong with me

And i fear for myself more the fact that I realized today how i direct my anger in the wrong direction


Guess I need yoga


-3A.M