Finding you

i was wondering how to expand my blog to others without advertising for the money does not entice me. So i cut down the advertisements and stopped blogging to focus on myself and those around me

and i thought of you alot

just right now when i was checking the google+ feature to add friends to my circles, i decided to try again. maybe youre alive and i just dont know

so i typed your name in

then one of the results popped up. it was the name your friends endearingly called you

my heart leaped in my chest and i stopped breathing
the picture wasnt clear
but it showed the user was from bangkok
with my heart in my mouth i clicked the profile
first thought- damn it
second thought- what am i doing?
third thought- im not upset

and i wasnt upset
its as if ive finally come to terms that yes youre not there anymore. yes im actually finally moving on

and im not scared anymore

maybe its because of all this positivity around me
its katherine who relentlessly puts up with my emotional outbursts and directs it towards something beautiful
maybe its Ru who molds them into the protective nature i use over her
and the random unexpected friendships i made along the way
i find positivty in words i used to find negative
i smile only when i need to now
and i hold my head high

i understand this now.Before i used to get through life, living everyday like it was a burden i need to get along with, and if anything reminded me of you, i was in Pain. Constant torture in my mind.

Until i learned to let go. Today i smiled alot when i thought of you. im smiling right now while im writing about you even though im not thinking of any memories. Of course there will always be the initial feeling of loss, the feeling of you not being there

but thats okay

because i know 

youre in a better place

and its time i make this one better for me

and this is what ill use to be positive. get better

and for those who aided me in my journey, you know who you are

and i love you all

i love you so fucking much

and special shout out to katherine and ru

with kats cheesy cards and small gifts that always made me go speechless

rus constant support behind me 

both of their words

their warmth

their awkward hugs

you both mean alot

i dont know about forever

but for now

youre my forever in being a better person

-3A.M