"We should do this some more" she murmured, deftly handling her chopsticks and picking up the string of rice noodles. "mmmm" i mumbled back, too full of emotion to reply. i was too prideful to say i had ejoyed today, and that it was one of the first time in my life i actually properly shopped with someone. even though it wasnt much. even though shoe shops and hoodies and jumper shopping is what we went for, the fact that she didnt complain at all was what warmed me. It thawed me on the insides, the the ice i normally felt from the coldness of my heart melted. She did that to me.And i tried my best to understand these emotions. I realized i was becoming attatched to her. I was calling her the friend i never called anyone nor trusted anyone with. And as her eyes animatedly retold their own story and moaned about how good the Pho was, i stopped fighting the smile tugging at the corner of my lips and watched her in amusement. She was already planning our wild adventure to Thailand and Vietnam, the place where we both wanted to go badly. What really amused me was the fact that she could never stay still. She made plans of all the countries that she wants to visit, the reasons, and when and how. She barely gave it any thought, for the moment she thinks of anything, she makes up her mind eventually no matter what. She has a stubborn streak , just like me. Which is probably why we clash so much. And as we finished up our late lunch, packed our stuff and strolled into more shops, i let her walk in front of me again. i memorized her. i had this irrational fear of forgetting moments like this ever since i have been forgetting my past. i dont want this to be my past. And as she strode along the road with the wind blowing the leaves around us, i could easily pick her out from the crowd of people. she was different. she was unique.

she was a friend.

and then it hit me, hard. To what misfortune did she end up with me? Im neither of the things people look for. i cant be cheerful, humorous, and loving everytime. No. i was the opposite. quite the opposite. With my temper that only she has managed to keep in check, a selfish possessiveness and my brooding personality, i wondered if she ever regretted being stuck in the darkness with me.

but i couldnt help but be selfish.

she was the light

she was the only one who didnt leave me alone

i was fragile

like a broken toy

yet she looks past that and sees me as whole

and the fact that i hurt her in ways unimaginable 

because of my own god damn thinking 

and my words i cant stop

the pain was enough that i halted 

i crouched on the floor as she browsed the shelves of the stationary shop we were in. And i closed my eyes in regret

i pretended to look at the items i didnt register as i flashbacked to the moment where i had hurt her enough

that she had backed away

she didnt trust me 

she probably doesnt

because this is all new to me

the fact that there is someone there

and that im not alone

you feel helpless

consumed by emotions

you never felt before

so god help me

if shell be the death of me

because for now

theres so much to see

the way she laughs

like music to the ears

and the way she nudges

me through all my fears

the fact that shes here

and not scared by my mind

she steps into the darkness

no matter what she may find

i hold my own baggage

of thoughts so worn

yet she turns a blind eye

like my clothes that get torn

she respects my space

my jackets and hoodies

though we clash

we make up through foodies

and though silence

now dominates most of everything

its comfortable enough

i dont need anything

but words fail me

when it comes to her

because shes everything

with her leapord prints and fur

the fact that im drowning again

with all the pain i inflict tirelessly 

i wish i could say

you dont care mindlessly

but now that would surely be a laugh

as its such a lie

i know you now have your doubts

as i once had mine

but now i kneel to the floor

my palms on the ground

i submit to you

without a sound

its almost like im reigned in

and im finally in a cage

stuck in a notebook

no longer a ripped page

so i guess ill hand you 

the pen you have seemed to take

and let you write our stories

that you mostly make

and i will sit here and read them

laugh through our joys and sorrows

for no matter every fight we have

there has always been a tomorrow

so i will hold on to that hope

and god forbid if this ends

i will make one last promise i never have

ill always.. be your friend.

-3A.M