happiness

i asked my friend what is her idea of happiness. she said to stop worrying. i asked my brother what is happiness. he said not to be lonely. i asked my mom what is happiness. she replied us graduating and starting our own families. i asked google what is happiness, it replied the struggle to find contentment.

after all this i asked myself. what is happiness?

the answer led me to you.



and now that youre gone, i realized i stopped finding happiness because i refused to find someone else, for i was still finding you even if youre gone.

and i realized today that everything i did, every major decision, i always thought of you in my mind. what you would think, what you would do, and what you would say. its frustrating i have this image of you existing in my mind when over the years even the memories of you are disappearing. Youre no longer existing in my mind, rather im making up who you are and who you were supposed to be, to pull me through a day. and thats very dangerous.

i was shaping my reality around you, and imagining my reality with you in my mind.

i realized happiness is when you stand on top of the mountain with the fear of falling down and not caring.
i realized happiness is sharing a bed with your best friend, watching your favorite movie and falling asleep next to each other, snoring loudly and not being bothered.
i realized happiness was waking up next to someone you love and relishing that you get to spend another day with them because they can be gone tomorrow
i realized happiness is falling in love, nursing a broken heart back together, and crying tears of happiness at the most randomest things because you appreciate every positive thought.

and i realized the meaning of happiness was in me. i had to learn to be happy to understand happiness. i fell in love, i lost you, i made friends and i lost them. i battled my fears alone, i stayed awake in the darkness to stop hallucinating in the dark and i fought every sickness away even when i wanted to give up. Happiness was finding a best friend who would leave again, but made sure to put me back together again. i understood happiness was my family, no matter how broken or messed up, the fact that we still stuck through everything was the reason we were a family. and happiness was you too. you made me smile and laugh when no one could. and you cheered me up with the silliest words.

so the question is, am i happy?

no, but i might as damn well be because i have gone through everything i shouldnt have, and i learnt more than life could give me if i hadnt moved countries as much as i did.





ill be happy one day. but for what i have been given, im fucking ecstatic.




-3AM.