It wasnt you. It was me

Ive been thinking about this for awhile.
This whole month of june honestly. I think about why i broke up with you and how you're going through it. I think about how much it mustve hurt you and how much im still hurting from it. I told myself breaking up with you will be good for both of us but it hasnt. Its been a harsh reality check that i spent 2 years depending on you to love me.  I spent 2 years asking , begging someone else to love me because i couldnt love myself. And i realized our relationship was like that. We depended on each other to love one another. Except you were slowly learning to love yourself.  I loved pushing you towards that path. I saw how it changed you. How you accepted parts of you that you hated. And how you came to terms with your body, your hair, your mind. But somewhere along that path i didnt realize i shouldve done the same for myself. I shouldn't have had to expect the same in return from you. But internally i did. Somehow i always wanted us to be equally giving and taking but i told myself it was me giving all the damn time.

That wasnt true

You gave to me when youd wake up in the middle of the night and hold my hand to your heart . Your heart was given to me

You gave to me when youd brush your hand across my cheeks and tell me you loved me. In the end i never said it back because i doubted your words.  I doubted you loved me because at that point i fell in a deep void where i felt unloved. I couldnt be loved.  A void i should've climbed out of but i didnt. Instead i called you one day and said i couldnt do this anymore

The voices in my head piled up with reasons i should leave
And you know what was the worst part when i looked at the reasons to stay?
I thought i had only one

I didnt want to hurt you. And yet i did

But its so fucking painful to still be here in love with you. Im in love with you because of just how amazing you really are. How much you meant to me. You kept my darkness away. 

And now , with us barely talking im finding days to be harder than ever. I depended on you, told you everything in my mind, but everytime i talk to you now i want to ask how youre doing. I want to ask if youre better. If we can be together again. But we cant. We shouldnt

I'd just break you more. From the strong independent woman youve become, id be holding you back always, asking you to love me instead of letting you free. And thats not what we were. 2 years of us we focused on loving each other and letting each other do whatever felt right. I would never hold you back. I never could.

Why is it so hard to love someone and let them go? I told myself this would be good for both of us. I needed to free myself from you before i became toxic. Because i always ruin things. Because i always damage friendships and now relationships.  Nothing good ever lasts for me

I couldnt make us last. 

And maybe thats why it hurts so much. I tried but then i gave up. It wasnt you

It was me

It will always be me

-3am