Depression as a friend

At this point, i regard Depression as a old friend who always has his arms open. Except, like a bad friend you may ever have had the displeasure of meeting, once you take his hand or go into their arms they refuse to let go until you listen to their thoughts. You see, Depression fed many many thoughts into my head. Ive heard and accepted thoughts that should not have been agreeable to, but its okay because I constantly fought back as well. They say depression can be treated so they give you Zoloft for example, a pill that supposedly makes you happy by releasing appropriate hormones. Well fuck that. Maybe i didnt want happy hormones.

Depression isnt about being sad and lonely. Its about being misunderstood. Confused, and being lost. You have no idea what its like until youve been there. Its like a shadow that you cant get rid off, a friend that constantly tries putting you down, and no matter how many people are surrounding you and cracking jokes, depression is a thought, a feeling that makes you feel like youre the only one in the room. You can go days without sleeping or days without eating. At times the bed is the only comfort because you try to sleep this blanket away, hoping to wake up to a brighter, sunnier day. But youre wrong. Im sorry but youre so wrong. Depression isnt a stigma to be afraid or ashamed of. Rather its a war within your mind that only you can fight. The moment we tell someone we are suffering from depression they recommend us to go to the therapist. Fuck when my brother told my parents he was depressed they immediately made him go through therapist sessions. “open his feelings out”. I once met up with a therapist. It was the scariest session in my life.  I felt like a part of me was opened that i never realized existed. I never cried in front of someone that day like i did because i felt so exposed, so out of control. I never went to therapists since then. Because it made me feel worse, feel less in control. Therefore i decided to write out my thoughts rather than speak it, because it makes me feel more secure. And it helped so much more. Today i wake up and i dont shy away from sunlight. I can talk to people without getting nervous and i always try finding a reason to be positive. But its not everyday. Like all the clouds in the sky, there are dark days. Dark days where the storm rolls in and blankets all of these positivity and i have now come to greet depression like an old friend. I am okay with it

I accept depression and i will not give up my fight. Even if i ever do win this war, ill never look at it as an illness that always brought me grief. Rather ill look back and laugh and say “yes i had those thoughts before but look where i am now. Those thoughts brought me to the present, where i am today”

So i am okay with you depression.

You wont take my life today

Ill see you tomorrow

-3Ammusings