Devoted

I've been staring at these humans lately

The way they walk and the way they talk 

I've been wondering a few things lately 

About these humans as they talk

Creatures of creatures made of sand and time

Of species present before you and I 

Oh I've been wondering about you lately 

And the way all of you are somehow the imperfect versions of I

In saying so I am just as imperfect as you 

I show the flaws of you like you to do me

So tell me in what crazy world do I live in

To have so much love for more than three .

How is it I have fallen in love with all of you

Your little flaws and nuggets of imperfections

Tell me how do I hold this unfathomable love for you

When all you do is rip apart my aspirations 

I'm not a soul who came to earth for a reason 

Perhaps I did. Perhaps to love so endlessly .

My ancestors whisper and shake to heir heads in despair

As I fall in love with another so thoughtlessly 

Oh the tragedy of loving you humans 

You and your subtle flaws

Bite me, choke me, tell me you love me

And I will worship you above all 

To be in love with all of you

Yet to despise you just the same 

Servant

The world bends to the fervour of your will

to the tides that clash beneath your iron castle of glory

how is it your sword has cut its way through steel

like gold shifting under ivory

Your father lurks in the shadows of the corridor

to the red rimmed eyes under your spectacled gaze

i hear him goading you to pull me closer

to end my life once again

I am but a servant to her King

A mistress of ill to her saviour

so have your way with me, drink me dry

I am wine not to be forgotten

Son of Mine

 Son of mine your scars are showing

like neon lights guiding you to Rome

they glow and glimmer in the darkness plaguing your bones

oh my child

The door's open, it is time to come home

Do you know these thoughts - they are of your deepest darkest fears?

They are whispered to you at 2am on a smoky night

where no amount of air you breathe

can quiet the unrestrained in your mind

Son of the scorned, the pills rattle in your hand

as you tip your head back and swallow them whole

this descent of the lonely you have chosen

Son you do not have to do this on your own

Gunshots ring through the cries of help

as you shoot down every parent that has done you wrong

I am sorry I am yet another one down the line

Son of mine, I will carry you home

I will take your broken limbs and straighten them gently

I will curl your fingers and close your eyes

I will breathe my soul into your existence

Son of mine, do not leave me behind

It will be so easy to end it all in the name of existence

of the lonely, the hurt, the broken

but what of the tomorrow you will take away

once you realise this was not the path to be taken?

What of the friends you wormed your way into

that no amount of distance can push them away

what of the hearts you embalmed yourself into

can love truly not make you stay?

Oh the sorrow that now seeps out of me

to know my trembling bones can no longer hold you close

no, how can I do what you could not

When you don't want to be home?

Go , free, fly if you will

take my soul to the places beyond your sight

I will forever accept my failure to be what I was not

I did not stay when you needed me last night.

I do not know how to save those when I cannot save myself.

Are you okay?

 For as long as I can remember

I have been plagued by this desperate need

to prove my suffering to others

For someone to realise that something was wrong

For horrible, unspeakable things to happen to me

to provide me an Excuse to not be okay

I should be okay

I am okay

but healthy people do not wish to be sick

if they are of healthy body and mind

so pray explain to me while I am healthy outside

why my mind is so sick

It crawls into my insides and into my being

like blood trickling down the bathroom floor at 3am

when the voices grow in cacophony

like an artery with unhindered blood flow

like the wound of the weary

this wound is growing bigger everyday

and doctors cannot see it with their spectacled gaze

as they poke and prod my oh-so tender skin

the bleeding spreads rapidly inside.

I smile wider as the wound increases 

for how do I show this phantom pain?

Its so fucking stupid

that my mind is decaying like terminal cancer

And I am waiting for the news to hit everyone one day

"She was such a good soul , and god took her too early"

for it is shameful for them to admit

they never learnt how to tell when people like you and I

are so sick on the inside

This pain

this crippling desire to be understood

but more so to not be existing

oh this pain

it is eating me alive.

God was the man of my household

 Forgive my lips as they tremble upon your name

forbidden whispers were beaten out of my being

at an age unsaid and unmarked

For god was he who was stronger than my body

and wiser than my mind 

god was the man of the household

who brought me to life

Forgive me if I close my eyes at your touch

it brings back memories that have no light

of darkness unkept and unhindered

For god was he who visited me at night

and crept into my covers with hands so old

God was the man of the household

who held me till my bones grew weary and old

Forgive my fears they seep so freely

Your soul lingers in the corners of the house

with the touch of anguish and peril

Our house was never my home

For god still speaks through me

every time I raise a hand to my unborn children 

He speaks of fear and terorr, of darkness and might

I fear that one day, in the shadow of night

God will give me his mantle

to carry on his deeds in his name

But I am a follower

a timid worshipper at this feet

my unshed tears are the testimony

That I can run as far as I can

But you and I shall always meet.

God was the man of my household.