happiness

i asked my friend what is her idea of happiness. she said to stop worrying. i asked my brother what is happiness. he said not to be lonely. i asked my mom what is happiness. she replied us graduating and starting our own families. i asked google what is happiness, it replied the struggle to find contentment.

after all this i asked myself. what is happiness?

the answer led me to you.



and now that youre gone, i realized i stopped finding happiness because i refused to find someone else, for i was still finding you even if youre gone.

and i realized today that everything i did, every major decision, i always thought of you in my mind. what you would think, what you would do, and what you would say. its frustrating i have this image of you existing in my mind when over the years even the memories of you are disappearing. Youre no longer existing in my mind, rather im making up who you are and who you were supposed to be, to pull me through a day. and thats very dangerous.

i was shaping my reality around you, and imagining my reality with you in my mind.

i realized happiness is when you stand on top of the mountain with the fear of falling down and not caring.
i realized happiness is sharing a bed with your best friend, watching your favorite movie and falling asleep next to each other, snoring loudly and not being bothered.
i realized happiness was waking up next to someone you love and relishing that you get to spend another day with them because they can be gone tomorrow
i realized happiness is falling in love, nursing a broken heart back together, and crying tears of happiness at the most randomest things because you appreciate every positive thought.

and i realized the meaning of happiness was in me. i had to learn to be happy to understand happiness. i fell in love, i lost you, i made friends and i lost them. i battled my fears alone, i stayed awake in the darkness to stop hallucinating in the dark and i fought every sickness away even when i wanted to give up. Happiness was finding a best friend who would leave again, but made sure to put me back together again. i understood happiness was my family, no matter how broken or messed up, the fact that we still stuck through everything was the reason we were a family. and happiness was you too. you made me smile and laugh when no one could. and you cheered me up with the silliest words.

so the question is, am i happy?

no, but i might as damn well be because i have gone through everything i shouldnt have, and i learnt more than life could give me if i hadnt moved countries as much as i did.





ill be happy one day. but for what i have been given, im fucking ecstatic.




-3AM.

i do not live once, but i make sure i live everyday of my life like its my last.

I cant sleep my love

Here was the problem. i missed you. i missed you so much that i was becoming indefinitely attached to you. you knew it but you never told me so until you started going on these trips to make yourself feel better. you were always that type of person. when things got stressful and hard you would go somewhere to regorup your thoughts and find your inner you. i hated it when you were gone. i hated it when you would go without me and id be left behind.

i cant sleep my love, the hours pass me by
for my mind overworks itself all over again
and i know if you were here you'd scold me like a mother
and tell me words to get rid of this pain

I cant sleep my love, the hours have stopped running
i no longer know whether im awake or dreaming
as i am curled up on my couch, too tired to move
for my heads are filled with thoughts of you leaving

I told a friend the other day about my invention
about how id love to make a suicide pill
she told me to stop thinking of death so much
i guess no one will understand me like you ever will

i want to make this pill as an option

why do we prevent people from death

why is it so terrifying to have the reason not to live

and pass away without a fret

I cant sleep my love, the hours erase me

as i nurse my 9th cup of coffee in my hand

i keep thinking, dreaming, hallucinating

of things people never hear in this land

my heart is driving me crazy my love

i have stopped taking my pills

i throw up more than i get food in

and blood is making its presence within

i cant do this without support my love

but my therapist doesnt understand

so i stopped going to my sessions

for being alone feels like a better plan

im afraid to see you when you come back

to see the shell i have become

for now i have honestly given up completely

and i was living just for you

i know you will leave soon

and it will be time for me to grow up

you always urged me to stand on my feet

but i did so only with your hands

i cant sleep my love, i miss you so

i miss you everyday

but ill keep quiet, i know you hate it

after all, im probably a nuisance everyday

one word

"How about this. Describe yourself in one word. Think about it. Be serious. Because the moment you find your word ill consider your proposal about friendship"

"you make this sound like a business deal"

"is it not? You shall try your best to please me and i shall try my best to provide you with satisfaction as well. Consumer satisfaction and a buyers happiness."

"You should be a businesswoman"

I glared at him. Then grabbing my bag and slinging it over my back, i slid out the booth, taking my coffee cups with me.

"Wait you still left another coffee cup here! Also help me out. What would you describe yourself as?" He called out, half standing as he waited for me to turn around. I stopped and smiled to myself, and turned around and threw him a wink. " be a dear and throw my cup away for me imaginary friend" i strode forwards, ignoring him as he reached towards my cup, and looked at it.


Aiden stared as the words jumped out at him from the cups surface, written in a beautiful cursive, seeming so innocent yet deadly. He then realized it was a warning. It was a warning from the enigmatic girl who told him to stay away.


She was wrath.


She was wrathful




And he was obsessed with her






-3Am

I have but an eternity of loneliness to live through. What about you?

a painful death

I think the worst thing in the world is when you meet someone who's dying. Someone who knows theres no cure for the illness they suffer from and know they can die easily whether today or tomorrow. I don't pity these people. Rather i hurt along with them silently, for no amount of prayers would save them. When a person you learn to know tells you theyre dying, our first reaction is to deny the truth. Why? Because we humans feel everything can be prevented. There are those who are afraid of aching hearts, and try to be unloveable. Those who have sicknesses such as cancer yet continue hoping for a cure. To live.
We humans, are so desperate to live. To see a tomorrow. I find it ironic , for we even kill each other to ensure our survival. It isnt survival of the fittest anymore. Rather survival of the most daring. Those believing they can live through everything.

I used to want to find a cure for cancer due to it being present in my family tree and affecting almost everyone. But living longer, does it really matter? Our wants have no end, why make the list longer?


#philosophicalmoment




-3Am

eden

"Wake Up"

Cause we've been driving so long
I can't remember how we got here
Or how we survived so long
I'm tryna run from our pride
Till you step out of my atmosphere
And I remember I would spend the 23rd
Reeling six feet under
When I'm 30,000 feet in the air
Chasing that sundown
So far east I'm westbound
Feeling like the edge of this world is new

But you'll feel better when you wake up
Swear to god I'll make up
Everything or more when I get back someday
This is more than just a phase, love
Shooting stars all break up
And even though it seems like half the world away

Things will be better in America
Heard the streets are gold there
Maybe I could fly you out this place someday
Chasing dreams like I'm on Novocain
Screaming through your airways
Looking back I almost thought I heard you say

Stay, you're not gonna leave me
This place is right where you need to be
And why your words gotta mean so much to them
And they mean nothing to me
So stay, you're not what you're hearing
Cause I've been watching you changing
And who said you're one in a million
Anyway?

Cause you see only what you want to
Your tunnel vision haunts you
And you can't see what's wrong
When you keep sleeping through the beer
Eyes wide open when you're dreaming
You’re sleepwalking, just keep talking
And maybe you can talk your way out of this deep end
No b plan in your system
Just tell me what you're thinking
I'm scared that you might fall

But you're not [x2]

And you'll feel better when you wake up
Taking off your makeup
Sun always seems to wash our fears away
And it's always shining somewhere
I just gotta get there
And even though it seems like half the world away

Things are better in America
Heard the streets are gold there
Maybe I could fly you out this place someday
Chasing dreams like I'm on Novocain
Screaming through your airways
Looking back I almost thought I heard you say

Stay, you're not gonna leave me
This place is right where you need to be
And why your words gotta mean so much to them?
And they mean nothing to me
So stay, you're not what you're hearing
Cause I've been watching you changing
And who said you're one in a million

You’re so much better than that [x3]

Stay, you're not what you're hearing
Cause I've been watching you changing
And who said you're one in a million anyway?

And you'll feel better when you wake up
Swear to god I'll make up
Everything or more when I get back someday
Chasing dreams like I'm on Novocain
Screaming through your airways
Looking back I almost thought I heard you say

You're so much better than that.