negativity

All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present.  Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, and worry-- are all forms of fear--- caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, anger, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence.

Forgive yourself for the way that you feel and the things youve done. For the words said, unsaid, and the actions youve taken and have yet to take. Fearing the present will result in a more uncertain future , learn to leave things behind and walk away from the past. These are just mere words i am writing on paper, and may not seem like much. But i promise you, open yourself up with more thoughts of positivity. Seeds of doubt and negativity have no place to grow in our lives if we continuously fertilize our minds with positive thoughts.  Start focusing more on what you can do and will do, instead of what you couldn't.  

destruction

The way you loved me

Was so volatile and destructive

I only remembered your love when your lips pushed against mine

And your hands buried themselves in my chest.

I told myself thats how you love me

For i breathed life into you

To stoke your flames of passion and violence

Because all i learnt my whole life

That the only way you could show love

Was to mold my heart with your tongue

I never learnt gentle caresses from words unspoken

Nor did i ever feel the effects of orgasmic bliss

For whenever you pushed my head down your body

Let my tongue bring you to a whole new world

You never did the same to me

But i believed that was love

I believed that the way i loved you

In my own broken, pathethic way

Was how love was meant to be

How sad it is

That the way we loved

Was all but a war we walked into willingly 

And yet as i stand here 

On my own battlefield 

Piecing my soul back together 

I watch you dance with someone else

What a storm of violence you are 

What a war i just won. 

why does it hurt so

Such a weird feeling feeling

That it hurts to see you happy

But it also feels good to see you happy

What is this pain?

It doesnt twist my insides like it used to

No its not jealousy

It doesnt hurt my chest like it used to

No its not a love lost

It doesn't make me sick 

No its not pride

Its selfishness

It feels like a growing vine

It starts from my throat

Twirling itself around like branches of a tree

Affecting my ability

To get words out 

To tell you i am happy for you

Because i am. Believe me i am

But the vines twist and tighten

For in truth what i really want to say

Is when will i be

Just as happy as you?

When will i find someone who will love me

And tell me why im worth loving ?

The vines continue twisting and twirling

And all i can get out when i look at you

Is hey, im glad youre doing good

Im happy for you. 

How odd

How odd
To hurt and be hurt
To get up and walk away
How odd it is
To be a human
For you will see me find a hundred reasons to stay
But you will only remember me when i walk away
How very odd indeed

Water your soul

When will it be time
To water your soul
For unloving words and misunderstandings
Have made themselves at home

When will it be time
To fertilize your mind 
Bury seeds of self worth and acceptance
And you will be what they said you could not

When will it be time
To leave the shelters of your home
You are a hidden gem rotting away
Who will see you when you yourself cannot?

When will it be time
To take the poison out of your heart
The world has not abandoned you love
Do not fall apart

When will you understand
That you are better than what you believe
You are a loved sister, daughter and friend
You have what it takes
To live and breathe again
You are worthy.
You are loved

one day

there will be a day where you're gonna miss me. and maybe that day hasn't come yet. because that day doesn't have to be today.it doesn't have to be soon at all. I see you, packing your life, crowding yourself so so that there will be no room for me.

but eventually, there will be cracks for my soul to seep through and there ill be.

youll wake up one day. maybe you'll be climbing to bed instead. or ill be the presence beside you, riding your car alongside . or open up a bottle of vodka and think of me. youll be watching your feet as they skim the ground, wondering why no one else is stepping in your shoe out of the crowd you merge yourself in.

you'll be going out with the new.

but it doesn't matter where you are and what you're doing nor does it matter on how long it takes.
youre going to miss me

you're going to miss my constant presence, my reassurance, my love, and my laugh. youre going to miss my fingers and the way they threaded into your body to hold your heart, so you wouldn't fall apart

youre going to miss me so.

but when you do, I will be gone
I will be somewhere laughing at someone else. someone who will laugh back with me and at me.
you will miss me so

just like I already miss you.

Jealousy

Jealousy is genuinely a dark dark feeling. Its this ugly dark venemous snake in the pits of my stomach that coils itself and restricts my breathing. I open my mouth to take deep breaths of air, to allow more air, trying not to think of you with your best friend

I imagined him kissing you and holding you tenderly, the way ive seen him before

The snake hisses

I keep thinking of how he would lean down to caress your cheeks

I feel sick

I think of how youd wake up in bed and look at him like hes the only one who loves you

The way you used to look at me

And now im full blown crying

The snake has taken control and it is slithering around my body , giving me goosebumps,  taking away my breath

Because now i know i wasnt the one
I never was the one

And i need to learn how to let go

Closure
Im still searching for closure