"Tell me" he begged, as his hands trembled slightly, brushing my tears away as i shivered from the unknown cold seeping into me. The shadows were at bay, but i could see them. I could see them jumping around the walls, curling around the bed, waiting to take me into their arms again. "Den" I whispered, clutcing his collar and pulling him towards me. Aiden clumsily fell onto me, but held himself on his forearms, taking care not to crush me. I curled my fingers against his shirt and pushed myself against his chest, as he leaned to his side. "Help me make it through the night" I whispered, afraid to open my eyes. I could feel it. His heart was beating erratically against his chest, probably of the physical contact. But i didnt care. I didnt care how forward i was being and how i showed him one of my greatest fears of the shadows.He paused, and then slowly put his arms around my waist awkwardly, pulling me more gently against him."I've never done this before" he confessed, and I could feel how uncomfortable he was, as his muscles tensed around me. I didnt reply, just buried my head into his chest, wanting, willing, hoping the shadows dont get me tonight. "Just dont go yet" I whispered, listening to his heart beat as it beat more steadily over time. He didnt answer, as he gave a small sigh of resignation and relaxed his muscles. The beat of his heart soon matched mine, and over time it became a lullaby, lulling me to sleep.

And for the first time in 8 years
i wasnt afraid of the dark
and i didnt get any nightmares


-3am

i was sitting here, sighing at the screen, wondering what to do and where to move. my bed was no longer comfortable. my exam notes were spread haphazardly around the bedroom floor when i threw my notebook across the room. i couldnt study. i could not decipher the equations, the maths, the calculations. no. inside my mind was a labyrinth of words. i had this constant story at the back of my mind waiting to be let out, to be said out loud, to be written. but i couldnt . it was like the words were behind a locked door and i could only glimpse the images through a window. everyday i get an idea to write a chapter, another story. Characters develop in my mind, their stories, their lives. everything . but choosing to study science seems to lock these words up in such a way now im lost

im actually restless
i want to do something
im so tired
but i dont want to sleep
i feel like im going crazy because all i want to do is go sit at the end of a pier in a beach and write away. i just want to write

is that wrong?
is it wrong if i just want to write my whole life?


-3am

When my nightmares get worse

often times i stare at my blog wanting to write out my thoughts but being too tired or lazy to. so i tell the blog the stories i wanted to write instead of typing it down. it makes me feel like im doing something. it makes me feel less loaded, less burdened, and i dont feel like im being cocked up like a revolver ready to shoot anyone in my path.

i wish they had an app where i could type my blog by speaking.

but lately ive been having troubles sleeping again. i have been restless. tossing and turning alot. been getting nightmares, so much so that it feels like im constantly on edge, being watched. the shadows that i used to feel comforted in scare me now. i actually need a source of light to fall asleep.

i think this bipolar disorder gets worse at times, especially in the night.

i had alot of ups and downs today. but i think its the worst when im actually seeing things

i imagine alot more.

my mind before thought in pictures but its hard to explain, i think in more specific colours now. i see alot of red. definitely. i see yellow and black as well. its hard for me to explain to someone that im bipolar and i imagine people watching me everytime wherever i go or i actually think of situations that probably arent true.

im not crazy though

but i feel crazy

the demons are back again

but i wont give up yet




exams are here and are starting tomorrow.

wish me luck









-3am

Depression as a friend

At this point, i regard Depression as a old friend who always has his arms open. Except, like a bad friend you may ever have had the displeasure of meeting, once you take his hand or go into their arms they refuse to let go until you listen to their thoughts. You see, Depression fed many many thoughts into my head. Ive heard and accepted thoughts that should not have been agreeable to, but its okay because I constantly fought back as well. They say depression can be treated so they give you Zoloft for example, a pill that supposedly makes you happy by releasing appropriate hormones. Well fuck that. Maybe i didnt want happy hormones.

Depression isnt about being sad and lonely. Its about being misunderstood. Confused, and being lost. You have no idea what its like until youve been there. Its like a shadow that you cant get rid off, a friend that constantly tries putting you down, and no matter how many people are surrounding you and cracking jokes, depression is a thought, a feeling that makes you feel like youre the only one in the room. You can go days without sleeping or days without eating. At times the bed is the only comfort because you try to sleep this blanket away, hoping to wake up to a brighter, sunnier day. But youre wrong. Im sorry but youre so wrong. Depression isnt a stigma to be afraid or ashamed of. Rather its a war within your mind that only you can fight. The moment we tell someone we are suffering from depression they recommend us to go to the therapist. Fuck when my brother told my parents he was depressed they immediately made him go through therapist sessions. “open his feelings out”. I once met up with a therapist. It was the scariest session in my life.  I felt like a part of me was opened that i never realized existed. I never cried in front of someone that day like i did because i felt so exposed, so out of control. I never went to therapists since then. Because it made me feel worse, feel less in control. Therefore i decided to write out my thoughts rather than speak it, because it makes me feel more secure. And it helped so much more. Today i wake up and i dont shy away from sunlight. I can talk to people without getting nervous and i always try finding a reason to be positive. But its not everyday. Like all the clouds in the sky, there are dark days. Dark days where the storm rolls in and blankets all of these positivity and i have now come to greet depression like an old friend. I am okay with it

I accept depression and i will not give up my fight. Even if i ever do win this war, ill never look at it as an illness that always brought me grief. Rather ill look back and laugh and say “yes i had those thoughts before but look where i am now. Those thoughts brought me to the present, where i am today”

So i am okay with you depression.

You wont take my life today

Ill see you tomorrow

-3Ammusings

All these masks

One for myself, i hate to be
two for my parents, worrying about me
three for the teachers, promising to stay
four for the friendships, i always break anyway

so many masks i hold dear
so many faces i start to fear
here's another person, let me make another mask
stay away i try to say, its a delirious task

five for the sibling, i try to ignore
six for the workmates, ignorant forevermore
seven for the customers, here's another smile
eight for the demons, inside my mind

Here's my ninth, when i reach the store
where is my tenth, a little girl asks from the floor
i bend down and remove each one
knowing me, who wouldnt run?

my first mask is for failure, being stuck with me
second shows expectations, that i never reach properly
third for the knowledge , i never seem to gain
fourth is for the love, that always causes me pain

fifth is for the compassion, do i have any?
sixth is for acceptance, that i never got regretfully
seventh is a slap, straight to my face
while the eight is of a lunatic, crazy with grace

the ninth is of embarrassment, afraid to be seen
the tenth is for shame, even bleach wont clean
these masks stay on forever, changing everyday
so much so, i cant even tell you who i am today





-3AM

"We all have imperfections. Whether it be your scars, your flaws, your mind. " he held my face with both hands and put his forehead on mine, his eyes piercing my thoughts. "i dont care how many pimples you get because of sleepless nights, how fat you become when i know how much you love gym, nor how much you eat as you dont even eat for days accidentally. I know your flaws like you know mine. Why are you afraid? Why are you afraid of me being a presence in your life?" I looked away, forcing him to lean back. I didnt realize the traitorous tears that slipped past my eyes and onto his hands as he cupped my cheeks."listen to me" he whispered, as he forced my eyes to contact his. "there is no true definition of beauty. And hell if i could describe someone beautiful, id compare them to the moon" he leaned and kissed my nose gently, almost like a whisper of unspoken love. "the moon is big and round and beautiful. It has its dark days where it shies away, its light days where it strongly lights up our paths. The moon has craters. Holes, black spots, imperfections we look over because to us the moon is beautiful despite those flaws. " Aiden leaned even closer, though it seemed impossible with the way he pulled me close to him. "you are my moon little one. Your flaws, your dark days, your anger, your laughter, your scars,your love, everything makes you Fucking beautiful. And youre mine. All mine" i couldnt see by that point for my whole soul was on fire. His hands were burning through my face, as they held me impossibly tighter and pulled me towards his lips. Our bodies were entangled, i didnt know whose hand clenched his chest or whose tears were now on my face. We were one. And he set me on fire .





-3am

kitchen sink

Are you searching for purpose? Then write something, yeah it might be worthless Then paint something then, it might be wordless Pointless curses, nonsense verses You'll see purpose start to surface No one else is dealing with your demons Meaning maybe defeating them Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend.

They told me i couldnt do it because i wasnt smart enough
I have the pleasure of working with the bacteria they dreamt of working with
Fuck.you and fuck negativity
Because we are better than those people that bring you down
Just because they couldnt do it
Doesnt mean you cant as well




-3A.M