Smiling is my life
Writing is my passion
Reading is my escape

-3A.M

list of things to be thankful for

1. Having enough money to survive in melbourne as things are ridiculously expensive compared to the Asian countries I have been living in. 
2. Having friends 
3. Having a childhood friend for over 13 years now and still keeping in touch and still being able to talk to her 
4. Having Kat in my life to show me the strings of living in melbourne though I've been here for a couple of years 
5. Having sleepovers at her house. I feel special. I never got that much attention 
6. I believe that their is just one single god and that's who I pray to in my mind. 
7. I can make friends easily if needed
8. I'm learning to smile again for a reason 
9. I am learning to love myself
10. I love my family 

no place

How does it feel
To take a step back
All alone
With no place to call home?

How do you cope
With forgotten memories
At the back of your mind
Unwilling to be found?

Yet how does it feel
When you look around
And when you're down
There's no place to go

strings

And the fragile strings that had pieced her mind all snapped together as i heard her break down on the phone.
And it was one of the most scariest moments of my life.
I wanted to hurt those who hurted her
I wanted to hold her and protect her from the depths of her mind and the words of others
I wanted to cry along with her instead of just on the phone

And god I wanted to be there

She mumbled incoherent words as i saw nothing but red and panic

Each tremor, each break of her voice, added to my guilt of not protecting her
not being a friend
And i was frozen
As seconds turned to minutes then hours

And all I could hear was her voice replaying the most darkest thoughts anyone could have
And the urge to ask her to live with me was too much
Too great.

And when she hanged her phone on me after we both released our emotions
I could almost see her trying to tie her strings of sanity back again with her mind
But i could sense it
Some of the strings were permanently damaged
And one day there will be a day
Where she will break down in such a way

And god forbid
If I'm not there

I don't know what will happen
But god damn im worried

I know the feeling of free falling
When everything that's holding you in place snaps
and all you see is darkness


I want to protect her god

I want to be a good friend.





-3A.M

a blind homeless

whenever im on my way home I pass countless people begging out in the streets for money, for food, or showcasing their talents to attract attention and earn a living. There are various ways to do it indeed. But what people don't understand is this is a legit job for most of them. There are actually some who really are much more needy than the others. But people dismiss the homeless thinking them to be fake.

It honestly doesn't hurt to spare change of your own pay slip to someone in need

Today I met a blind homeless. As I was passing by I checked my wallet for any notes. Coins would be a preference but he needed money and looked like it with his unkempt hygiene and hair. So as i bent sown and lightly touched his hand to slip my 20 dollar note in, slightly whispering to him what I'm doing so he wouldn't be startled, he grabbed on to my hand with shaking bony fingers.
I was a bit startled and i was about to pull away when I looked into his eyes and realized he's blind. I had met enough patients in the hospital to understand the glazed look over the eyes staring into nothing, but this time he had tears. A man who couldn't see, could somehow sense me helping him. He turned his face towards mine, as a gasp left my lips, and he whispered thank you so many times. That's when I realized he hadn't eaten.
Compassion filled me when I realized I had food. I usually bring food home for my brother from my workplace but this time someone else needed it more
So i took out the bag of food, that had 2 sandwiches and placed a bottle of water next to his feet,making sure he could sense it so he wouldn't throw it away.

Doing so, the blind homeless had tears brimming from his eyes. And as i smiles softly and made a move to get up and walk away, he looked up at my direction one last time and said "No matter how many problems you face you blessed soul, I hope, no i know you will overcome. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank..." at this point, his words were incohorrent as his gratitude at my little act of kindness washed over him. I squeezed his hand one last time and smiled and started to walk away, when a lady approached me and said "that was nice of you ". I looked back at the man who was feeling around the sandwich and taking huge bites of it, and looked back at her and said "he needed it more than me. "



And the fact that I helped someone just washed away all my tiredness. I work for every cent, and make sure I support myself as much as possible,needing to be independent. And sometimes, giving it away to those in need helps you in turn too.


Give more. Relive the experience of compassion and love. Because no other feeling in the world can compare to what it feels like when you know you saved someone and possibly helped them to live another day.
You never know



With so much love,

-3A.M

dreams

Dreams last only a night, yet why do we imagine it to last forever?

cysts

What is it?
She asked me, putting an arm around my shoulders. I slumped over and grit my teeth, trying to ignore the spasms of pain circulating from my midriff. She had no idea, no idea how painful it was to even stand and work, with the countless customers ordering their coffees and sandwiches and looking at me weirdly when I kept biting my lips to stop myself from groaning in pain. I looked at her, the concern etched in her face, but her eyes darting around at the customers waiting for their meals. I shook myself off her arms and kept working wordlessly, knowing customers always came first before anything.

While on the inside it felt like I was being ripped apart to shreds

loss

Loss and grief always seem to go together.When we bleed, we weep. We feel the god damn pain and sometimes, it ends up overwhelming us.yet sometimes, we just end up numb.wounds do heal though. Always. They leave behind scars at times;scars that remind you of the silence that once used to be filled with his laughter, the warmth that would bubble through to dissipate the coldness. And then the permanence of his absence, of not having him beside you anymore.the scars never go away. We hurt, we bleed,we heal, we accept. We live.






-3A.M

loner

"If you think about distance everytime,whos going to be your good friend then? "

These words hit a hard hit on the heart and head that's too proud to admit I need good friends. But i just push everyone away and distance myself so that I can't get hurt by them.

But in the end I end up hurting myself.
Because I surround myself with friends at work but I become the strange loner outside of work
Like the weirdo I am

And when the closest friend tells me these words
For I never know how long she is willing to be friends with me

You know shit just got real
Because even though you never told her
She knows
And she understands

And i realize how right she actually is
And god

I'm afraid

And I'll try
Try not to push away
Not to hide

And I'll be myself



One day



-3A.M

trust

Trusting a friend fully is like balancing on skates and holding your arms out to them, knowing they'd be there to catch you when you fall.

But sometimes they're not there
And sometimes you fall

And we hurt ourselves and curse the friend for not catching you

But if the friend holds out a hand to pick you up
While you're hurt
Sets you back on your feet
And tells you to try again

You trust them less

As this cycle repeats on we forget what were aiming for in the end
Because were so enraged inside
At the fact that the friend is not helping you from falling


But you overlooked one tiny fact. The friend is actually showing you how to get back up
And try again
And again
No matter how many times you fall down
Because if the friend is not there in the future
You have to do this alone


And that's one amazing friend you have there





-3A.m

drift

He looked at me intently
As if he were drifting away
And i was the reason of gravity
Forever making him stay

pinocchio

I'm pinocchio holding cans of paint, spraying over my past and truths, conjuring lies that shape my identity now








-3A.M

a friend

And slowly she let go
Of all things true
For no one could even understand
What she went through

Too wary to trust
too wary to heal
She sat alone in her room
Too numb to feel

And as days seemed to go by
Her eyes got more glazed
As her family tried to understand
What put her in this haze

But they shrugged it through
Blamed it on growing up
But maybe
Just a little bit of love would've been enough

She was too shy to ask for love
Too awkward to ask for attention
too broken to ask for trust
Too tired for their interruptions

So she slowly cut away all her friends
That deemed her not good enough
And slowly she immersed herself
in a life about to be rough

She chose studies not her choice
And stayed up day and night
Dark circles became more prominent
As she shied away from sunlight

Her eyes were haggard and drawn
Red rimmed through and through
So desolate for a spark of hope
Until I finally met you

You came into my life suddenly
And immediately became a friend
No matter how wary I was
And the messages I refused to send

The more you dragged me out
The more I saw what there is to see
You became a ball of sunlight
For me

I was blinded by your radiance
so pure and true
The way everything just bustled by
As we walked through


I ended up sharing secrets
That I never thought I would
You listened quietly
As we ate our food

You handed me the tinders
I needed for my flames
And started to burn
Away my shame

Away from being mistaken
Away from being imperfect
You burned my soul through and through
With warm eyes that could melt.

And as i sit here and wonder
How for the good you changed me
What would've happened
If you werent there for me?

I'm still too afraid to try
To talk when you're not there
Because my heart is still so wary
Of no one being there

So as i write this under the sun
I squint up and glance
And smile away these negative thoughts
That have put me in a trance

Maybe I wouldn't have been here
Had you not intervened
And saved me from being crazy inside
And become my very own fiend

Which is why I'm discreetly thanking you
You know who you are when you read this
For whatever life has to offer
You can always count me sharing your bliss

And when you have your moments
When everything seems to be going wrong
Its okay, I'll be there
And we'll share the burden along.

For you held my burden
And my sanity has been intact
Life is slowly looking up
And yes that is a fact

So here's to you my dear friend
Who shan't be named
Because forever I shall be grateful
You finally had this girl tamed.


Thank you.


-3A.M

Mcdonalds as a workplace

Working at mcdonalds the way I do,you get used to all the different types of atmosphere you will be thrown into. From rough customers to cranky pmsing crew, to lazy uncoordinated workmates. It takes a hell lot of patience, a hell lot of skill and experience, and present teamwork to get through these together. New crew come in frequently and its up to the old experienced ones to make sure they don't suffer or make too many mistakes. No one is perfect. Everyone learns from making mistakes, getting orders wrong, and maybe even not being able to understand what the customer wants to order. And you know that is perfectly okay.
But when it comes to customers, they expect too much from a fast food outlet.
Toasting the burger buns take 35 seconds, assembling it takes another 30 and presenting can take some time depending on which burger order was first. But not all burgers can be be made under 30 seconds. We have wraps that take 2 minutes, from steaming to assembling to wrapping to making sure not the whole shit falls out.

So when we get customers that complain about the time over the quality of the food product, i dont get it. Sure it's fast food, and perhaps the fastest you can get.
A wrap in a meal with fresh chips and drink under 3 minutes is what my store aims for. Yet we get displeased customers.

Cheeseburgers are legit made with 45 seconds and you will still get unsatisfied customers.

And yes the crew makes mistakes. Maybe they didn't read the special order properly where it stated no pickles and onions or maybe add something extra .or maybe the person taking the order didn't put it through properly. But loosing your calm on crew who have one of the most stressful jobs imaginable is so so stupid.

McDonald's requires 24/7 customer service, cleanliness, and time management. we have this thing called Clean as you Go where we clean up as we make burgers and drinks and even mop  floors and wipe tables.

To complain about dirty tables just after a busy rush really ticks us off because at that moment, our brains are still razzled from remembering the order numbers,how to make drinks and ice creams, and watching the new crew. So when we take a moment to process what's being said, we get shouted at for not being efficient.

It really really makes me upset when they go after the crew too who have nothing to do with it.

People like this really need to learn and understand what it's like working in a busy mcdonalds.

Handling people, talking all day, so much so even when we sleep, most of us have experienced sleep apnea where we talk in our sleep about maccas, calling out orders and burgers and even asking the crew to do something

Especially someone like me who a experienced in mostly all stations except cleaning the kitchen grills. I've burnt myself so many times yet continued working because customers always come first.

So on the days where you work hard, and you get customers that don't seem to understand what it's like being under pressure constantly to be perfect really need an eye-opening lesson. I wish mcdonalds would open its stores for random people a few hours a week so they can see what it's like trying to work under constant stress. Our deadline for work is every second. Relaxing is never a vocabulary in our dictionary, and learning to deal with customers is perhaps the most important aspect I have ever learned.

My rant of the day


-3A.M

theinternet

rant of the dayy


-3A.M

Wallpaper

Working in a place where it is full of people from various cultures and ages, the weirdest thing perhaps is to hang out with them. The only way to bond is by sharing work gossip, bitching about people, and just talk about the shit customers we get.
But i realized that when it comes to me, the people don't know shit. I'm too closed up, pent up with so many thoughts and insecurities I just want to distract them from my personal life. My thoughts.
And maybe that's both good and bad
It's good because I have my life to myself. When it comes to rumours people can't say shit
When it comes to knowing me they just know me from the outside
They don't know how I think
How I function
And my fears

Yet it's bad when im out with a group of work mares and they talk about themselves and such...and I'm too afraid to share my part.
I feel like a piece if wallpaper that's never been looked at in other words
And maybe sometimes
I want to be a an art decor that attract some looks at least and be talked about
Maybe I want to be given attention too

But it's so hard to admit I need it
I crave it so much

With my closest friend on holiday, I try my best not to disturb her, not to message her too much.
But it's so hard
Because I'm so used to having her on the other end always listening to my rants.. to my fears, and just being me with her.
This is why I always isolated myself.
Because I was too afraid of being a bit dependent on anyone

And now
When she's gone
I can't even tell her I do miss her
She's the total opposite of me. Shes having fun, she has her group of friends and its cool.

Maybe this is why I should just be a wallpaper instead always.




I'm just lonely.
Too lonely






-3A.M

incomplete

for those who woe the lonely
and weep for those who have lost
i feel your fears as clear as day
for today i admit, all ive done is gone

gone with the wind should i say?
or the dreams i dreamt of desire
riches, friends, families and whores
that would sate this thirst of fire

snoring?

Apparently I snore
Very loudly
When i am tired as shit
And when the friend is playing comedy at medium volume at the back
And that's embarrassing
I never snored before
I guess I do the worst shit with her around
Lol



-3A.M

girls night

Sleeping over at the Bae's house and she decides to finally take action against my horrific nails.
I don't take care of my nails
Nah uh
And she put her foot down
Clamped her hands around my ankles and dragged My feet towards her lap and proceeded to clean the dead skin and nails out of the way, plucked a few hairs and complained about how thick my skin is, then even cut my nails and complained about how bad the shape is.

Then painted a couple of layers
Messed up one nail which had the perfect matte coat
Sorry katkat<3

Otherwise, i dont know how else to state in words how grateful I am
To have a friend like her who's so caring
I asked her why she's doing it
she answered back "because you won't do it "

And let's just say my heart was in a puddle refusing to freeze back because I hadn't let anyone take care of me in any way, too afraid to let anyone in
And slowly this one just barges into my life
Breaks all my barriers down no matter how much I resist
and is changing me for the better
It's such a scary thought
Yet
I enjoy it for now
Because the feeling that you're actually cared for
Though she won't admit it
I feel it

Sometimes we don't tell our friends we love them
But when we do
The opposite becomes speechless

And somehow I think she knows for sure I adore her like she's my girly half

And im slowly learning not to be protective and possessive
And to be open


In the end
I feel like she honestly is taping me back


And it's working


And god I feel like the luckiest kid around the block with the most treasured present ever gotten

She's going to read this
Shake her head and say how cheesy I am
But on the insides
Shell be warming up like butter



Love you kat :)
-3A.m