happiness

i asked my friend what is her idea of happiness. she said to stop worrying. i asked my brother what is happiness. he said not to be lonely. i asked my mom what is happiness. she replied us graduating and starting our own families. i asked google what is happiness, it replied the struggle to find contentment.

after all this i asked myself. what is happiness?

the answer led me to you.



and now that youre gone, i realized i stopped finding happiness because i refused to find someone else, for i was still finding you even if youre gone.

and i realized today that everything i did, every major decision, i always thought of you in my mind. what you would think, what you would do, and what you would say. its frustrating i have this image of you existing in my mind when over the years even the memories of you are disappearing. Youre no longer existing in my mind, rather im making up who you are and who you were supposed to be, to pull me through a day. and thats very dangerous.

i was shaping my reality around you, and imagining my reality with you in my mind.

i realized happiness is when you stand on top of the mountain with the fear of falling down and not caring.
i realized happiness is sharing a bed with your best friend, watching your favorite movie and falling asleep next to each other, snoring loudly and not being bothered.
i realized happiness was waking up next to someone you love and relishing that you get to spend another day with them because they can be gone tomorrow
i realized happiness is falling in love, nursing a broken heart back together, and crying tears of happiness at the most randomest things because you appreciate every positive thought.

and i realized the meaning of happiness was in me. i had to learn to be happy to understand happiness. i fell in love, i lost you, i made friends and i lost them. i battled my fears alone, i stayed awake in the darkness to stop hallucinating in the dark and i fought every sickness away even when i wanted to give up. Happiness was finding a best friend who would leave again, but made sure to put me back together again. i understood happiness was my family, no matter how broken or messed up, the fact that we still stuck through everything was the reason we were a family. and happiness was you too. you made me smile and laugh when no one could. and you cheered me up with the silliest words.

so the question is, am i happy?

no, but i might as damn well be because i have gone through everything i shouldnt have, and i learnt more than life could give me if i hadnt moved countries as much as i did.





ill be happy one day. but for what i have been given, im fucking ecstatic.




-3AM.

i do not live once, but i make sure i live everyday of my life like its my last.

I cant sleep my love

Here was the problem. i missed you. i missed you so much that i was becoming indefinitely attached to you. you knew it but you never told me so until you started going on these trips to make yourself feel better. you were always that type of person. when things got stressful and hard you would go somewhere to regorup your thoughts and find your inner you. i hated it when you were gone. i hated it when you would go without me and id be left behind.

i cant sleep my love, the hours pass me by
for my mind overworks itself all over again
and i know if you were here you'd scold me like a mother
and tell me words to get rid of this pain

I cant sleep my love, the hours have stopped running
i no longer know whether im awake or dreaming
as i am curled up on my couch, too tired to move
for my heads are filled with thoughts of you leaving

I told a friend the other day about my invention
about how id love to make a suicide pill
she told me to stop thinking of death so much
i guess no one will understand me like you ever will

i want to make this pill as an option

why do we prevent people from death

why is it so terrifying to have the reason not to live

and pass away without a fret

I cant sleep my love, the hours erase me

as i nurse my 9th cup of coffee in my hand

i keep thinking, dreaming, hallucinating

of things people never hear in this land

my heart is driving me crazy my love

i have stopped taking my pills

i throw up more than i get food in

and blood is making its presence within

i cant do this without support my love

but my therapist doesnt understand

so i stopped going to my sessions

for being alone feels like a better plan

im afraid to see you when you come back

to see the shell i have become

for now i have honestly given up completely

and i was living just for you

i know you will leave soon

and it will be time for me to grow up

you always urged me to stand on my feet

but i did so only with your hands

i cant sleep my love, i miss you so

i miss you everyday

but ill keep quiet, i know you hate it

after all, im probably a nuisance everyday

one word

"How about this. Describe yourself in one word. Think about it. Be serious. Because the moment you find your word ill consider your proposal about friendship"

"you make this sound like a business deal"

"is it not? You shall try your best to please me and i shall try my best to provide you with satisfaction as well. Consumer satisfaction and a buyers happiness."

"You should be a businesswoman"

I glared at him. Then grabbing my bag and slinging it over my back, i slid out the booth, taking my coffee cups with me.

"Wait you still left another coffee cup here! Also help me out. What would you describe yourself as?" He called out, half standing as he waited for me to turn around. I stopped and smiled to myself, and turned around and threw him a wink. " be a dear and throw my cup away for me imaginary friend" i strode forwards, ignoring him as he reached towards my cup, and looked at it.


Aiden stared as the words jumped out at him from the cups surface, written in a beautiful cursive, seeming so innocent yet deadly. He then realized it was a warning. It was a warning from the enigmatic girl who told him to stay away.


She was wrath.


She was wrathful




And he was obsessed with her






-3Am

I have but an eternity of loneliness to live through. What about you?

a painful death

I think the worst thing in the world is when you meet someone who's dying. Someone who knows theres no cure for the illness they suffer from and know they can die easily whether today or tomorrow. I don't pity these people. Rather i hurt along with them silently, for no amount of prayers would save them. When a person you learn to know tells you theyre dying, our first reaction is to deny the truth. Why? Because we humans feel everything can be prevented. There are those who are afraid of aching hearts, and try to be unloveable. Those who have sicknesses such as cancer yet continue hoping for a cure. To live.
We humans, are so desperate to live. To see a tomorrow. I find it ironic , for we even kill each other to ensure our survival. It isnt survival of the fittest anymore. Rather survival of the most daring. Those believing they can live through everything.

I used to want to find a cure for cancer due to it being present in my family tree and affecting almost everyone. But living longer, does it really matter? Our wants have no end, why make the list longer?


#philosophicalmoment




-3Am

eden

"Wake Up"

Cause we've been driving so long
I can't remember how we got here
Or how we survived so long
I'm tryna run from our pride
Till you step out of my atmosphere
And I remember I would spend the 23rd
Reeling six feet under
When I'm 30,000 feet in the air
Chasing that sundown
So far east I'm westbound
Feeling like the edge of this world is new

But you'll feel better when you wake up
Swear to god I'll make up
Everything or more when I get back someday
This is more than just a phase, love
Shooting stars all break up
And even though it seems like half the world away

Things will be better in America
Heard the streets are gold there
Maybe I could fly you out this place someday
Chasing dreams like I'm on Novocain
Screaming through your airways
Looking back I almost thought I heard you say

Stay, you're not gonna leave me
This place is right where you need to be
And why your words gotta mean so much to them
And they mean nothing to me
So stay, you're not what you're hearing
Cause I've been watching you changing
And who said you're one in a million
Anyway?

Cause you see only what you want to
Your tunnel vision haunts you
And you can't see what's wrong
When you keep sleeping through the beer
Eyes wide open when you're dreaming
You’re sleepwalking, just keep talking
And maybe you can talk your way out of this deep end
No b plan in your system
Just tell me what you're thinking
I'm scared that you might fall

But you're not [x2]

And you'll feel better when you wake up
Taking off your makeup
Sun always seems to wash our fears away
And it's always shining somewhere
I just gotta get there
And even though it seems like half the world away

Things are better in America
Heard the streets are gold there
Maybe I could fly you out this place someday
Chasing dreams like I'm on Novocain
Screaming through your airways
Looking back I almost thought I heard you say

Stay, you're not gonna leave me
This place is right where you need to be
And why your words gotta mean so much to them?
And they mean nothing to me
So stay, you're not what you're hearing
Cause I've been watching you changing
And who said you're one in a million

You’re so much better than that [x3]

Stay, you're not what you're hearing
Cause I've been watching you changing
And who said you're one in a million anyway?

And you'll feel better when you wake up
Swear to god I'll make up
Everything or more when I get back someday
Chasing dreams like I'm on Novocain
Screaming through your airways
Looking back I almost thought I heard you say

You're so much better than that.

Im not weak

Today i got a seat given to me by a gentleman who got off 2 stops later. There were 6 others around me standing as well but he looked at me and waited till i got to him. At first i was thankful,as my hands were already shaking due to the lack of iron. Thats when i caught my reflection on the bus window i sat next to and i didnt recognize myself. To my horror, my skin had gotten paler, i looked nothing like an Indian, and my dark circles popped up even more, with deep hooded eyes. I realized i even looked sick. With my dark blue sweater on top of my shirt, i looked at how defeated my eyes looked.


They all thought im sick

The guy saw i was sick

Son of a bitch


Im not weak


I am just sick. For now.






Im mad

-3am

Theres a whole universe out there


Youll be okay


Ill be okay

We are but here to live. To exist. And to smile like theres no tomorrow







-3am

dear sister

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSndlgKtfOc


your flaws
your imperfections
your moods
and your walls
they dont bother me
it never bothered me that you may have had acne on your face or you had a pimple where you didnt want it to be. it never bothered me how you did your hair or how dressed you are everytime i met you. it never mattered to me whether you looked fine because you always looked like you. your skin color, your insecurities, and your clothes never defined you. your personality did. you looked through my insecurities, you broke down my walls like they were nothing, and you stuck with me even when im actually dressing like a homeless. thats whats most important. you dont care.
i dont either

youre beautiful. more beautiful than youll ever know. but you want to hear those words from someone you cherish like we would in a partner.

but i dont care

youre beautiful
and i love you.


sincerely,

theangryone


-3am

Education

"Come ill do your tie" my dad murmured, bending slightly as he started fixing my prefect tie. i watched his fingers, nimbly put the tie through all its knots, until it looked exactly like his. "i want to be like you daddy" i told him, as i smoothed his silk tie resting on his chest. Dad straightened up and smiled at me. "You already make me proud. Keep doing well in your class and be the best. Look at you. Youre already a Prefect in your class and youre the youngest by 2 years" he beamed at me, patted my head then walked off to his office, adjoining the master bedroom. i watched him walk off, and looked at myself in one of the hallway mirrors. i looked professional. with my crisp white private school uniform , with the logo i wore proudly on my breast, and the smokey grey tie showing off the words Prefect, i was so proud of myself. i felt powerful.

Little did i know that that ego was actually my downfall.

Ego and Pride are what keeps my family divided. Reputation, Self indulgence and the feeling of importance means alot. Growing up in that kind of atmosphere, my pride was a mere pole, compared to the mountain of pride my parents held themselves.this pride was the beginning of my depression, one of the main reasons i felt my self-worth crumble, for i based myself solely on pride. i used to be very arrogant, very angry, and very competitive in a way i fought to be the top. i relished the attention, that made me feel important and i loved the whispers and looks id get as i would walk around and people would instantly know me, either due to my academic results or my family name. Dad was always a powerful figure with straight shoulders and his head high above anyone else. mom shouldered him with her keen gaze and helped keep our family name polished. they both were masters at living with ego.

But i wasnt.






-3AM

Meeting Katherine

Dear Katherine,

I always wonder this, as i wonder now. Where did you come from? Seriously, one day i saw you, and the next moment youve become perhaps more important than anyone in my life has ever been besides my family.

I never noticed you when we first met. I never really acknowledged the fact that we both were always working with each other, next to each other, but we never exchanged words. But i do remember how you used to be. You see, you used be like a shadow, you blended in with the enviroment, almost so that no one would know you are even there. I wish i had noticed you before you noticed me. You, with your dark hair and burnished brown eyes, standing next to the fries station quietly working, i always thought you were an introvert.

Were you okay with people not talking to you? i saw how everyone laughed and joked and talked whilst you were always there in the corner working away. Dont think it slipped my attention when i used to see you smile slightly whenever someone laughed, giggle softly when a joke was shared, and yet when it came to actual conversations, you were missing. And thank god one day you came up to me and introduced yourself.

"Hi my name is Katherine!"

I was suprised. i had never heard you speak, and being new there, i actually had already made tons of friends and i was already loud. Warily i smiled back and said "Sumi. My name is Sumi. " You glanced at my name badge and raised an eyebrow and asked "Your name says Semanti?" i laughed awkwardly and told you to call me by my nickname. Imagine my suprise when you looked at me dead seriously and said "Ill call you Semanti"

i shouldve known then how stubborn you are

Funny thing is, even though you never talked at work, you were happy. Whereas i was the total opposite. Going through depression, getting over a failed relationship with friends and family, i was totally the opposite of you in every way. Where i looked for the attention and jumped at the opportunity to make conversations, you preferred to be on your own and you looked totally okay. i wondered then if you had friends besides work. You didnt seem to be the type to hang out with large groups seeing as our working enviroment almost always consisted of more than 10 people working in one area.

had you not introduced yourself, id probably still be here, watching you working away quietly, answering only when questioned.

Whenever i have the time i always thank my lucky stars i met you

for if i hadnt my love, i honestly think i would never even be close to where i am today .

With love,

Semanti





-3AM

Dear Katherine

"Youre dangerous" i mused, as i watched her drive me to the unknown.
"Why?"
"Because you make me do the impossible"





-3AM

unknown music artist #1

perhaps my favorite playlist to get me through the night when i feel like im drowning
favorite songs from him- angel, 500 miles, it aint me babe
check him out!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsgbhfGJ_xM&index=7&list=UU3M62sWL9OS_AgvU0AgDcPA

"im a fucking shooting star. Because the moment i leave, you'd wish id come back. But wishes don't come true. Just like me. Today im here. Tomorrow ill be the brightest star you'll ever see."

Mirror Mirror

Mirror, mirror on my wall
what is this i see?
fat, ugly, and small
is there something i can be?

mirror mirror, if i change my eyes
will i look more pretty?
ill wear makeup, ill cover my smile
and ill never be seen as a girl with pity

mirror mirror, if i change my hair
To any colour except black
will people finally stop and look
for i have something they lack?

mirror mirror, im so fat
will starving myself be everything?
ill cut down my food, like eating air
will i be worth a diamond ring?

Mirror mirror i cannot sleep
for my mind is telling tales
of ugliness, of imperfection, everything i am
should i believe those males?

oh mirror dont you see
how sad i am, being me
for as i stand here, looking at what you show
is there anyway i can look for more?

please mirror listen to my pleas
for i want to be a pretty girl
tall, skinny, and fair
a princess for you all

But i understand mirror, what you show
for i can never be what society looks for
im not tall, skinny, or pretty
for i am a girl never looked back for

Its okay mirror i understand
why you have slowly obscured my face
for within your cracks given by my hand
you want to hide away my grace

Therefore i shall listen to you oh mirror
for i will always be what theyre naught
because within all these imperfections
is a beauty never bought.